HSG Results and Email to Friends and Family

HI friends:

Thank you all very much for praying for me this week. As some of you have heard, Brad and I got some not so fun news yesterday.

As soon as I saw the image on the screen during the HSG, I just knew. I knew it didn't look right. And I knew as soon as I heard what the doctor called it, that it was not good. I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus. I could feel my heart just crumble into a million pieces. I actually have a friend that has a heart shaped uterus and one time out of curiosity I Googled an image of that and a chart of uterus malformalities came up. I remember seeing the unicorn one and thinking, YIKES, I feel bad for anyone who has that. Never did I dream that would be ME. Basically, I have half of a uterus and one fallopian tube. And they still believe I have a mild case of PCOS which effects ovulation and all that as well. They believe as long as Brad is good, that I should be able to conceive with some help...I am just highly at risk for miscarriage and preterm labor. My uterus won't be able to stretch far enough to go full term. I am pretty much heart broken. I feel like my heart is literally breaking into a million pieces. And well the tears just won't stop. I think I truly understand the word weep now.

For all of you who know me, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Always. I am Momma Shar. That has always been my nick name.

It is just in me. And I have always had an obscure obsession with the miracle/process of pregnancy. In fact, I gave up being an OB/GYN to be a mom. I guess you could say that I am mourning the possibility that I may never experience the very thing that has intrigued me the most in life. I want to experience a baby kicking in my belly. I want to breast feed. I dreamed of being able to look at my child and say, oh he has my eyes and brad's toes. I wanted to do everything that moms get to experience. And the reality is I may not get to experience that...and if I do it is pretty much a given that it would either miscarry or be a preemie.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it. It hurts so deeply. I can't even explain it. All I can do is cry.

I think what makes it really difficult is the miracle kids I am close to that were born really early, have mental and physical issues. So if God chooses to bless us with a pregnancy, there is an extremely high chance for that to be true for us. Basically, we just know that no matter what road we take now, it is going to be extremely difficult. If we proceed with adoption, that is a hard road.

Financially, emotionally....etc. And I will still mourn not having my own biological children. And if we choose to pursue fertility treatments, we also know that is going to be a very hard road.

I just want to be normal. I wish I could rewind the HSG and not see that tiny little half uterus on the screen. It is so hard to not ask why. Why do the moms I see at work get to do drugs and have 8 kids and can't even put food on the table? I don't understand. I know it is not a question that I will ever get answered, but the questions still run through my mind.

I know that God is the God of the impossible and I know that He could put a child in my half uterus and allow my uterus to stretch to full term, because I know He can do things that science can't explain. I know He is writing an amazing story and if I do get pregnant and carry it long enough...we will all be witnessing one of His greatest miracles. I know that God has plans that are good for me and that He plans to prosper us and our family. The refining fire is just plain painful. And I am waiting for my heart to catch up with what my mind knows.

Please pray for Brad and I as we go through this together. Pray that it would strengthen our marriage. Pray that I would believe in what

God CAN do and not what science says He can't do. Pray that my heart would heal. Pray that I wouldn't allow this to pull me into depression or to hide. We have a youth retreat this weekend and i am really nervous about that. I KNOW I am going to cry and I know the students will be interested in knowing what the deal is with me. I don't want the weekend to be about me and I don't want to draw attention to our situation. But my tears and heart have a mind of their own right now. :) They also like to ask when Brad and I are having kids, bc it seems to be in the water at church, and they just don't understand why that might not be a good question to ask me. I might just fall to pieces if one of them asks. My personality wants to put my big girl panties on and get it together...but as Brad's mom put it...my big girl panties don't fit so good right now. And that is okay. Well...I am trying to be okay with that.

I don't know if anything I said makes sense, but I wanted to send an update since I haven't been able to return phone calls. I am not very good at formulating words right now. :) And pretty hard to understand through the muffles. Thank you for being my friend.

Love you all.