Hearing..

I was praying this morning, really pouring my heart out to God regarding our upcoming adventure.  I have started to allow myself to get excited and hopeful that maybe we can take a few steps forward in our journey.  Hopeful that maybe I WILL have the opportunity to be a mom.  I even allow myself to intermittently use the forbidden phrase, "When we have kids..." instead of, "If we are ever blessed with kids."  (I know the second one is still the correct phrase) But then I am real quick to diminish that hope because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.  AND, let's be honest...I am terrified of the shot portion and some of the procedures involved with this whole deal.  I feel excited, weary, hopeful, anxious, nervous...  I am fearful to let myself get excited, but I also know that we are given hope through the power of Christ.  And I have hope that He is up to something good.  But His good may not come in the package I am expecting.  I am always trying to find the balance.  Story of my life.  I was asking the Lord to prepare my heart for whatever the outcome may be and praying that I would trust fully that He is doing something good.  That I would trust Him whether I am balling my eyes out come February/March or celebrating new life.  


Even though recently I have been thinking about how God feels so far sometimes,  I felt as though He spoke right back to me through His word.  I opened my eyes and immediately started my bible study for today.  The verse that I read as soon as I stopped praying read as follows:


Isaiah 26:3-4


"You keep him in perfect peace
   whose mind is stayed on you,
   because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
   for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock."


He will give me peace and calm my anxieties if I keep my mind focused on Him and trust the story He is writing.  Remembering that His glory and being in relationship with Him is more important than anything in this life.  No blessing on this earth compares to being in relationship with the King of this universe.  He is an everlasting rock!!  


I was so moved.  God immediately answered me through His precious word.  He calmed my spirits by reminding me to just TRUST HIM.   Incredible experience.  I guess I better memorize this one.  I will cherish it and hold it close to my heart.

Common Thread

Welp...our ministry has a name! Common Thread.  (Created by Mrs. Ashley Lee Crawford)

The most prominent thing that came out of our brainstorming meeting was that all of our stories were SO different and none of the outcomes were the same. God had given us each a very unique infertility story.   Some had a few children and were experiencing secondary infertility, some had no children at all, some had lost several babies,  some had adopted children, others were undergoing infertility treatments, and others were waiting.  But the bottom line was the same... we all had that unique aching and longing to be a mother.  A pain that can never be understood unless you have felt it.  There is a common thread that wove all our hearts and stories together.   

I am really excited about this name and where the ministry is headed.  The main focus will be mentorship and connection.  Just knowing who the other women are facing the same battles is deeply encouraging in itself.  It makes the journey not so lonely.  More to come, I hope!

I called the fertility clinic today and let them know our intentions.  They are reevaluating our files since we haven't been in their office since April.   I told them, I was pretty sure half my uterus was still missing and that not much had changed. haha.  They will be calling soon to give us a game plan.  I am starting to let myself get a little excited and I am weary about that.  I am starting to think biological children may actually be a reality for us, but I know I am treading on dangerous waters the second I begin to think something will go according to plan.  :/  I know the Lord likes 

to remind me that He is in charge and I am not, so I better get these emotions in check real fast. 

More to come on Common Thread. Tah Tah for now.

Partnership & Prayer

There are exciting things on the horizon.  I am so excited about the little seed of an idea than God is watering and allowing to sprout.

The Lord has been working and shaping the idea of an infertility ministry at CFC (our church) in the hearts of several women.  There is one event (among many) that stands out in my mind that prompted me to pursue getting a ministry in place.  A few months ago, I walked  up to church and was so overwelmed by the brigade of mommies and babies everywhere.  Our close friends were all mingled in that bunch and I remember struggling to find things to say to them.  And I was extremely aware of how much I did not fit in that day.  My sensitivity to this type of situation might be higher or lower depending on the time of month.  :)   I remember fighting back the wall of tears and seeing a dear friend in the distance.  A woman who understood what it was like to walk up to church Sunday after Sunday to all the other mommies empty handed.  A woman who understood what it felt like to not measure up to what God calls us to as women.  A woman who understood what it feels like to be isolated.  I remember seeing her and having an immediate peace, just knowing that there was another person who was understanding my pain without sharing a word.  We exchanged a good hug and it encouraged me so much.  

So I thought...we don't have to do this alone! I know there are several other women who have been down this road or who are walking down it now...why don't we connect instead of carrying the burden all by ourselves.  Even just to know who the other women ARE is encouraging in itself.  I was connected to a sweet friend, Tiffany, who has felt the Lord calling her to share her journey with other women and to walk along side them as well.  One coffee date led to another, and next week Tiffany and I will be hosting a brainstorming/idea sharing dessert with other women who have walked this road or are currently walking it now.   The Lord has given us both lots of ideas, but we wanted to see what the needs are/were for other women in our boat as well.  We are both so excited.  I know there is a good handful of women excited about partnering with us in this ministry too.  It has been really neat to see God work in different hearts and bring them together to glorify Him in the midst of very unique pain.

I don't feel prepared or equipped to be a part of this.  I am young. I am still going through the waters of infertility.  I don't have much experience. But I am praying and trusting God to fill in the blanks if I am obedient in saying, "Here I am, Lord!"  I was encouraged by Isaiah and his obedient response to God's calling.  

Isaiah 6: 8-13

 ⁸And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." ⁹And he said, "Go, and say to this people:

    "'Keep on hearing, but do not understand;keep on seeing, but do not perceive.' ¹⁰ Make the heart of this people dull,
   and their ears heavy,
   and blind their eyes,lest they see with their eyes,
   and hear with their ears,
and understand with their hearts,
   and turn and be healed."¹¹Then I said, "How long, O Lord?"And he said:"Until cities lie waste
   without inhabitant,
and houses without people,
   and the land is a desolate waste,¹²and the LORD removes people far away,
   and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.¹³ And though a tenth remain in it,
   it will be burned again,
like a terebinth or an oak,
   whose stump remains
   when it is felled."The holy seed is its stump.

God said, "Who will go?" and Isaiah didn't ask any questions or get any more information before responding, "Here I am."  He got more details regarding what God wanted him to do after he chose to be obedient.  He didn't get the details and then decide whether or not he would present himself to be used.  This encouraged me to just say, "Here I am!"  without knowing what the heck I am signing up for... As I said to our good friend, Jeff Curry, "Here I am and here goes nothing..."

As for Brad and I, we are still shooting for January.  I have been enjoying where God has us and enjoying this time with Brad.  I actually need to start thinking about things and get a few things in order for that adventure.   Just been too busy enjoying not thinking about "it," ha.  

I'm in love with Dr. Barnes....

Growing up as a military brat meant not really getting to pick and choose what doctor you wanted to see. And it always seemed as though they were actually practicing on you and you weren't actually a patient, but a lab rat rather. My navy hospital experiences really put a bad taste in my mouth for the average MD. And after getting out of the military hospital system I always got stuck with those doctors who made you feel like your questions were stupid or they didn't have time for you to even ask them questions. Anywho, I wanted to find a new OB/GYN that delivered at Baptist Downtown so that I could have the fertility clinic, high risk docs, OB/GYN, and NICU all in one place. I figure if something goes south, all four observing clinics will be in one location! I'm looking for a one stop shop, if you know what I mean. I had a few recommendations to claim Dr. Barnes as my primary care giver post fertility treatment. Today, with extremely high standards and expectations I got to meet Dr. Barnes.

He was fabulous and blew all my expectations out of the water. Annual exams don't top the list as one of my favorite things to do in the first place, and now I feel like I am so complex that if he would have just shooed me out the door, I would have been one disgruntled lady. First off, he skipped the whole awkward scene where you are wearing the dreaded paper gown for your first meeting. I got to stay in my regular attire and he came in and just talked to me for about 20-30 minutes. He wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere and had the calmest most encouraging spirit about him. He asked ME questions and got to know my history from head to toe and I really appreciated that. Then he opened the floor for my questions and not a single one was time wasted or stupid. He actually seemed interested in just having a conversation with me. Imagine that! He was so genuinely interested in our situation. And he warned me that he is like a mother hen with his babies and that he takes them very seriously! Well that works out since I was looking for a doctor who cared anyway, haha. Bring on the mother hen!

I am so excited to have him as our doctor. He was so encouraging and said that he didn't have any hesitations with my future pregnancies and that Dr. Winslow (fertility doc) could impregnate a 2 x 4, so he was confident that he would be taking care of a pregnant me in the near future. I appreciated his confidence!

I walked out of his office and to my car saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" To myself, obviously. I am praising the Lord for paving the way to Dr. Barnes. I feel like if I do get the opportunity to conceive, I will be in great hands!

Goodnight!

It is well with my soul...

Hi Friends and Family. I have been a slacker lately, I know. But this whole not working thing and filling my calendar with lots of other stuff has really gotten the best of me. It has been glorious catching up on my 2 year old to-do list.

Here is a snip it of what B and I have been up to...

Bathroom Remodel

Yup, we were right...there was a slight moisture problem.

The cement shower pan is outta here!

Remodeling projects and lots of other things have occupied my lil unemployed self.

I am a tad nervous to put this out there and we have friends that want to kill us (out of love of course), but we are actually thinking of pushing treatments back until January.

What?

I know, right!

We both agreed we had just way too much going on this fall to make it happen. And when things slow down for me, B will just be getting into his busy season at work. So with lots of prayer and thought, we think January will be a time when we can focus and clear our calendars to make our first attempt at IVF. Shockingly, I am totally fine with it. I thought it wouldn't sit well with me, but I must say I fully trust Brad's leadership in this decision and I am finding great peace in doing that. Funny, how when you listen to what God's word says about leadership and submission that abounding peace follows. :) I found myself humming today, among other things (Hide yo wife, hide yo kids...), "It is well with my soul."

Yesterday, I got to meet with a dear friend who has gone through IVF once before. It was a huge blessing to have the opportunity to hear her story. As you can imagine, the legal documents, ordering a few grande worth of hormone shots from online pharmacies, shots themselves, CRAZY lady hormones, and everything that comes with the procedures can be quite overwhelming. It is so great to have her as a resource. Meeting with her soothed my anxieties a great deal. Both her and her husband survived!! Surely Brad and I can make it through! Like I shared before, this journey can be extremely lonely...it was so refreshing to talk to someone who understood every angle of this roller coaster.

Brad and I will be celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss next week. Can you believe it? I can't. But I am assuming that is a good thing! I was thinking last week as our sister took her wedding vows with her husband, John, that we never dreamed standing on that altar that we would someday be walking this road together. Without a shadow of a doubt, we thought all those wedding toasts about a brood full of Harby's would come true for us. Everyone gets married, has kids, and lives happily ever after! You never dream this will happen to you. But I can tell you this, it has made us stronger. Marriages and relationships that go through challenges like the one we have been given to face will have roots that run deeper and longer than the average relationship. For that I can be thankful. And I can be thankful to be walking this road with my best friend. Thank you for 4 amazing years! The road ahead may be bumpy, but the Lord will never give us more than we can handle.

Tah tah for now. Thank you for the continued prayers, I know the Lord will answer them in due time and in His own sovereign way.

It is well with my soul.

Pushing it Back

Somehow I have managed to become even busier than I was when I was working full time. I have no idea how I did everything before. We did get to take a few vacations and I am very thankful for that time, but I feel overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 years worth of projects. Checking it off, one thing at a time!

I never dreamed I would say this, but I think Brad and I are going to push back treatments a month or so. Brad almost fell out of the booth at Chili’s when I told him that August was too soon. All along, the opportunity to attempt pregnancy couldn’t come soon enough. I really felt the Lord saying, just wait a bit. I have to trust that His timing is better than ours. Often that is easy to say and more difficult to put into practice, but I feel at peace with our decision. I feared telling Brad that I was feeling that way, because I knew when I told him that I was then making a commitment to wait. But obviously I am glad I did. The process is so intimidating. And I think we both feel like we really haven’t had the time we need to get emotionally prepared.

The hardest part is taking the first step in faith to begin the process. I think when pregnancy happens naturally, you are forced to take the journey as it comes. You don’t have a choice. I think Brad and I feel like we are signing up for a roller coaster ride and it is hard to take the first step. With IVF, you are signing up for much more than heartburn, nausea, swollen feet, and stretch marks…and the daunting task of become a parent. It’s more like big shots, crazy hormones, possible ovary over stimulation, anesthesia, procedures, more shots, miscarriages… “Ooooo, pick me, pick me!” It is a lot to sign up for with a WHOLE heck of a lot of unknowns. I think we are going to just enjoy the summer and look more towards Sept/October.

Thank you for the encouraging emails, texts, and messages.

Much love,

Loving on other people's children...

I read in one of my many books that some people instead of pursuing adoption or medical intervention just spend their time pouring into other people's children. Well the Valiquette clan blessed me tremendously on my birthday!! I loved spending time with their 4 treasures! How can you not love them?!?!

Addison and Bryce wanted to help Brad get ready for work. His shoes are bigger than they are!!

It's a Lonely Ride

I debated on whether or not I should get on here and share where my heart is this week or not. I didn't want to have an online pity party. :) And I didn't want to hurt anyone who may be sharing in the joy of pregnancy right now. But then I remembered the reason I started this blog in the first place. It was to relate to people who are struggling with the same things as I am, and to be a beacon in this dark and lonely world. So here I am…

I was riding on a high from our last doctor's appointment for the remaining part of June. And then my cycle was 7 days late and you guessed it...a little voice in my head starting whispering, "This could be your miracle!" And the battle began. And as you also probably guessed, it was just a tease. And to top it off, it was a really rough round this month and I just wept on the bathroom floor writhing in pain (we have carpet, don't worry...it wasn't too weird for me to be laying on the bathroom floor. The fact that we have carpet in the bathroom, okay, now that is weird). It felt like a cruel joke and I started to become angry that I have to endure the pains and not so fun parts of being female, yet there is no guarantee that I will get to experience the blessings of being female. I was extremely frustrated. It’s a constant reminder of what might not be. Your body does all that it is supposed to do, yet nothing comes of it. It's like a revolving door that smacks you on your face month after month.

I learned of a few more pregnancies this week as well. I am extremely thankful for those lives and so excited for the parents to be, please hear me on that. I am celebrating those precious gifts, but the other half of my heart was left feeling very alone. I am not discounting the good news, I just wanted to hone in on the feeling that the news left me to deal with. I kept saying to Brad,"Everyone has moved on and they have been blessed with the gift of life and I am just left here alone." It is very lonely here. I am beginning to feel more and more trapped in my little bubble every time I hear of another pregnancy. The doctors told me that 1 in 6 women will be infertile. Really? Interesting, I think I am running on 1 in 30 in my circle. I feel very far from 1 in 6. Every time another announcement is made I feel myself sinking lower. I become even more unrelateable. I don't know what kind of diapers explode and which ones don't. I don't have anything to say about nap schedules. I don't have anything to say about the first time my child did this or that...unless of course it is about LT. I have absolutely no opinion about whether or not you should let your child cry it out or not. I would give anything to even be able to say that I didn't sleep much last night because my child was out of his/her routine. I feel like I don't have anything to offer to the people who are in my life stage right now. And I really don't have much to bring to the conversation. I feel the dynamics of some of my friendships changing and its because they are moving into a different chapter and those pages haven't turned for me yet, nor am I promised that those pages will turn. I feel like I have less and less in common with our friends with every day that passes. I know this can apply to lots of people, even those not experiencing infertility, but those who long to be married or long to even be in a relationship that even allows them to hope for children. It just can be very lonely and that is the emotion that I am trying to come to grips with at the moment. Not that I don't have lots of friends and family, or people who are invested in our journey...but it is lonely in the sense that no one understands your world or exactly how your heart feels. At the end of the day, when I lay my head down it is just me, the Lord, my heart, and my mind and no one can really understand or relate to me. That is where it gets lonely.

Poor ladies at the mall today had no clue that they stirred something in me as they passed by with their cute little bellies and that glow that all pregnant women have. Yes, I can hope in the process we plan to begin in the fall, but if there is something this journey has taught me, it is that nothing goes as planned! So I don't want to store up too much hope in IVF. It may not be the answer and I can't put my whole heart in the petri dish. Just because we have been given the opportunity to pursue IVF, doesn't mean it is going to work or that it is God's answer to our desire for children. We aren't guaranteed anything.

I am sorry I don't have much encouragement today. I know this is just a passing feeling, but I know it is not the last time it will rear its ugly head either. If you can relate to what I am describing, know that you are not alone! J

Even though I don’t have much encouragement to offer, Sarah’s Laughter pulled through once again. If you are not subscribed to this e-newsletter and are experiencing infertility, I highly suggest that you do subscribe. http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

“Hebrews 4:15-16 says

For we do not have a high priest who cannot

sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

We have a marvelous high priest in Jesus Christ, who understands the hurts and frustrations of our lives. He invites us to come into the throne roomof God to find the help we need.

I love to learn the literal translations of Scripture, and this verse has to be one of the reasons why! Look at the part of this verse that says “draw near with confidence”. The literal meaning of these words is “come recklessly unannounced”! God is telling you to come recklessly unannounced to Him to receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to make an appointment! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to ask if it’s okay, or wonder if you are harassing God! Come recklessly unannounced! Cry out to Him when your period starts again. Call on His Name and ask for His guidance when you are faced with another decision or another friend gets pregnant and you don’t. You don’t have to worry that God is going to get tired of your repeated requests for a baby, or that He’ll send a holy messenger to you to tell you to stop calling Him! He says to you today, come recklessly unannounced! You’ll find mercy and grace to help you in this time of your need.”

On a fun note, we were able to spend the week at Kingsley Lake last week with our family. We had a great time eating, tubing, sleeping, eating, eating, swimming, and sleeping. And LT had more fun than anyone else. Our family patiently threw his tennis ball repeatedly into the lake for him to fetch, just for him to come back and shake all over them. He went boating, tubing, and jet skiing. It was a blast!

Retirement and Two Thumbs Up!

June 10 marked my last day at Children's Miracle Network. It was bittersweet to leave, but Brad and I felt like that was the best thing for our family right now. We thought it would be wise for me take the summer to take care of myself, wrap up projects around the house, and to start getting things in order to embark on a new chapter. I will miss my co-workers tons and my precious miracle families. It was an incredible ride and I am thankful for my experiences there.

The long awaited High Risk appointment finally came! Our biggest prayer was that we would be set up with a doctor who understood our concern and didn't treat us like we were wasting his or her time. I don't have much luck with doctors. I think they forget sometimes that we are paying THEM. Anyway, that's another soap box. I just didn't want to wait 1.5 months to have someone say, "You are fine. Get over it. We'll just pump you up with drugs and you will be just fine." Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for us and our visit. We had a wonderful experience at the R.O.C. (Regional Obstetric Consultants) at Baptist Downtown.

When we arrived the waiting room was packed and there was only one doc on duty. Brad was like a fish out of water...it was us and a room full of pregnant people. Well, women rather. He leaned over and asked, "Is everyone in Jacksonville high risk?" Haha. I told him, "If you are over 35, have gestational diabetes, had a previous child with complications, are pregnant with multiples or sneezed once while you were pregnant I guess the send you here." We were in the waiting room for 1.5 hours before a nurse called us back for a pre-consultation before speaking to the doc. I immediately thought, "Great, they are going to try and have the nurse answer our questions and we won't even see the doctor. Listen, lady, I waited far too long to have a nurse consult." I was wrong, Brandy was awesome! She more or less just wanted to make sure Brad and I didn't have anything too crazy in our family tree that would set us up for even more complications. We think we passed most of the questions. Our families are kind of crazy, but they said we should be fine, haha. Brandy and I had the brilliant idea of doing a sonogram while we were there so the doc could see exactly how big of a half uterus we are working with here. The doc thought it was a great idea too. Sooo...we were sent back to the waiting room.

After doing some more amazing people watching in the waiting room, we got called back to do the sonogram. They were very thorough and even tried to hunt down my other ovary. No luck there. However, we did discover that my one ovary is making some good looking "follicles" otherwise known as eggs. The sonographer was very complimentary of my eggs and I did a little fist pump and claimed very excitedly, "Yay, at least I have one thing going for me." Brad followed with, "They are probably organic." Haha, the comedic relief was well needed. The sonographer was not feeling our jokes. Guess she doesn't understand that we haven't had much luck with these sort of appointments and humor is our saving grace. Shortly after the doc shuffled in...as soon as he opened his mouth all the tension escaped my body and the room. Dr. Francisco Guierre is the man! He sat down next to me, mind you, I am still laid out on the table, and said, " So, you have half a uterus, I have a stint in my heart, and he, pointing to Brad, has something wrong with him too, but we will get to that later." Haha. We died laughing. He was so encouraging and went out of his way to make sure I knew that I wasn't a freak of nature.

He went through all the risks that I would be predisposed to during pregnancy and explained that even though they are risks, every woman's body and every single pregnancy is different. I basically will face things that people with multiples are predisposed to experience during pregnancy. The two biggest factors being, the potential to breach and the potential to have an incompetent cervix. Breach, because the baby doesn't have that much room to flip around and get head down. And the cervix can wear down and give out because it can't hand the weight or pressure. He said technically we can all have those complications, I am just at increased risk. The other being early term labor. He encouraged us by saying that they body is an incredible thing and we will be shocked by what it can handle. He said there wasn't a single thing in him that would encourage us not to try to get pregnant. He said that I am actually lucky that I know so that they can keep a close eye on me and track me the whole pregnancy. He said that often women have malformed uteruses and don't know until the baby is breached and they have to preform a c-section. When they get in there they often discover that they too have a unicornuate uterus. He made it clear that I wasn't alone and threw in a chipper, "Welcome to the club!" I told him how it feels extremely lonely and that all my friends get pregnant just by looking at their husbands. He laughed and said, "They have something wrong with them too, they just don't know it yet." Haha. He was so incredibly in tune with the emotional side of everything. He knew just where we needed to be encouraged. Almost as if God used him as a megaphone for the things we needed to hear. Brad and I had lots of questions and he was so patient with us and understood our concerns. He told us he would be honored to be our doctor and that he would love to take care of us. I have never had such a great experience at a doctor's office. I told Brad I wished he could be my doctor for everything in life. We weren't a nuisance to him and that was so refreshing.

When we left, Brad grabbed my shoulders and said, "Well, you aren't such a freak after all." HAHAHA! Thanks, Brad. I knew that meant, "I love you so much and praise God for good news, FINALLY!" We left on cloud nine.

Everyone asks, so what's next? Well, we decided that we are going to take the summer to just enjoy each other and have fun. I think we need this breather of just being and enjoying where the Lord has us. Then we will face the huge monster that is IVF and ICSI come Fall. It's sooo unbelievably intimidating. I will save that can of worms for the next entry.

Thank you to everyone who remembered our big day yesterday. We were encouraged by the texts, emails, and phone calls. We are especially thankful for all the prayers. We felt like we did indeed have a divine appointment and couldn't have asked for a better doctor to meet with yesterday. Even if we would have gotten all the same answers from a different doc, we are confident that we may not have left so encouraged and sure that the Lord was giving us two thumbs up!

The Dance...

The dance….

There has to be a way to find a balance between hope and guarding your heart from disappointment. I haven’t figured it out yet and I was frustrated this cycle because I wondered if I would ever figure it out…or would I fight this battle every month for the rest of my life?

The week before my cycle is always the most difficult. I get this glimmer of hope that maybe this month God will perform a miracle and that the three years of being off the pill with no success will suddenly come to a halt. Every month I think, “Maybe this is the month!” If I don’t let myself think that maybe this month is different, am I saying that I don’t think God is capable of performing a miracle? But if I do hope, then I am doomed to be heartbroken, month after month. I feel like if I choose to believe that nothing is going to happen without medical intervention then I am putting God in a box. So how do I protect myself from the vicious cycle of hope and heartache? I titled this entry, “The Dance…” because that is what it often feels like…I mentally and emotionally sway from side to side. Hope…convince myself not to hope…hope…despair… hope... talk myself through all the reason why it is NOT possible…hope…and it goes on.

One of our friends, Adam Alexander, pointed out to me that when Jesus performs miracles in the Bible, He always asks, “Do you think I can do it?” and when they believe He blesses them with a miracle because of their faith. That always comes to my mind as I am attempting to steady my heart on the balance scale…lingering somewhere in-between hope and despair. If I convince myself that this is not the month and ACCEPT my infertility in order to protect myself, am I saying that I don’t think God can open my womb? But if I hope that He will indeed miraculously create life in me this month, when it doesn’t happen my heart is shattered into a million pieces. At what point to you just accept it? I don’t know how long my heart can handle the tortures of this battle.

I told Brad this week that I just wish God would remove the desire. That would make it so much easier. I know all the responses to that comment… that life is not promised to be easy nor should it be. I am just being real.

Every month I am reminded. Every cycle is a reminder that we may not have a child that is a piece of both of us. Every cycle is a reminder that our family tree may stop with us. Every cycle reminds me that I am not like every other woman standing around me. It forces me to this place where I feel less female and less valuable. I know that I am not here to solely bear children, and that we have a greater purpose, but I can’t ignore the deeply imbedded desire and nature that God created in us as females to mother.

An encouraging tid-bit from an infertility newsletter I am subscribe to:

“So what do you do when the anger wells up inside of you so that you begin to fear the person you are becoming? How do you lay it down and walk out of the furnace? The answer is found in Colossians 3:15: ‘Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts’. There’s an amazing little nugget of truth for you here. The original meaning for the word “rule” here is awesome, especially for sports fans! It literally means ‘to act as an umpire’! With your permission, the peace of Christ will act as an umpire when anger and calm wage war within you!” ~ Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Although I do feel angry at times…or jealous, I would say hope and despair are my prevailing emotions. It is encouraging to know that God is umpiring amidst all the emotions that wage war within me. I have said from the beginning that I do not want to be ruled by my diagnosis or my situation. I found this statement highly encouraging. As long as I allow it, God’s peace will be the referee. If I can remain under the umpire’s hand, then maybe…just maybe… I can keep my situation from ruling my heart.

Hopefully the next entry will be a little lighter. Haha. I just have to get through this week. :) Sorry if this is all over the place. I was long over due for a post, so forgive me for any grammar mistakes or if it doesn't make any sense. I wanted to give you a quick update while I had a minute.

We are still waiting for our appointment on the 16th with High Risk peeps. Praying for a divine appointment with the right doctor who has experience with unicorns like me. :)

Mother's Day...What a Doozie!

Mother’s Day… I thought I saw you coming. I had prepared myself mentally that Mother’s Day would be rough, but I guess I didn’t prepare quite enough. I thought maybe if I thought about all of the next day’s events ahead of time, I would be able to swallow it all a little easier when I actually had to face them. I thought if I cried enough Saturday night, then maybe, just maybe there wouldn’t be any tears left on Sunday. Fail! Instead I just got two crying headaches, one headache for Saturday’s tears and one for Sunday’s. That plan was a bust.

All the books, blogs, and infertility e-couragement emails said Mother’s Day would be hard. But dang, it’s a doozie.

I originally had planned on skipping church since Brad was still working the TPC and I didn’t want to endure the Mother’s Day service alone. But several of our closest friends were having their babies dedicated during the service. I decided I wanted to be there for them and be there as the church prayed over their children. I wanted to be there to support them in their special day and be there as a part of the church body promising to minister to these children. I told our friend Adam that I would rather be there to support our friends and be sad, than be sad and miss out all together. And so I went…

I texted my mom and told her that I wouldn’t be able to call her until after lunch. I knew if I called her before church I would be in tears before I even got there (She lives out of state). She graciously understood. I made prior arrangements to sit with our dear friends, the Curry’s, and my mother-in-law, Cindy. I strategically sat at the end of a row, so I could escape if need be. Jeff Curry asked where I wanted to sit, and I replied, “Somewhere escapable.” Haha. As we sat waiting for the service to start, I could feel the tears finding their way up from my aching heart. Dang it! I thought I’d dried them all up. I really didn’t want to call attention to myself and didn’t want people looking at me, the less attention, the better. Then the music started and there was no holding back the tears. Our music minister, Matt, was incredibly gracious and sensitive to the fact that Mother’s Day might not be a celebration for some. Some might be mourning the death of a child, some might be mourning the fact that their children are no longer walking with the Lord, or some may be mourning a broken relationship with their child. I truly appreciated that. I opened the bulletin and was relieved to see that the sermon wasn’t about the biblical role of mother and wife … or anything remotely like that. Even though they are lies from satan, I know that sometimes we feel like because we can’t bear children (or have trouble doing so) that we don’t have a purpose. It is in our nature to nurture, and we are commanded to be, “…fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:22). To fall short of that, feels like a huge failure. So thank you, Doug (our pastor), for not twisting the dagger! I think I held myself together pretty well until I saw all of our friends line up on stage holding their precious gifts. It was very surreal. My heart was overwhelmed with gladness for them and thankful I came to be there as the church prayed over their children, but tears streamed down my face as my heart shattered into a million pieces. I wanted to be up there with them. I felt like I was on the shoreline and they were passing by on a great big ship making their passage into the next phase of life, and I was grasping for a rope asking the Lord to have the ship wait for us. “Why can’t we be standing up there?” “What did we do wrong?” “Were we not faithful enough?” “Why were they given the gift of life and we have been put on hold?”

But God was extremely gracious. I couldn’t have made it through what I did without the people who were standing next to me. I think the Curry’s and Cindy were literally holding me up. I felt so loved. I know that they were praying for me and catching my tears. It was extremely humbling. And again, very surreal. That is the body of Christ, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Corn. 12:26). We were rejoicing for our brothers and sisters in Christ, but also sharing in suffering all at the same time.

Immediately after the baby dedications, I ESCAPED! (I know some of you are thinking, “Ahh…you should have stayed. The sermon, The Hope of Comfort, would have been perfect for you!” Don’t worry, I plan to download it as soon as it is posted and listen to it in the privacy of my own car). We stepped into Cindy’s office for a minute and I am so glad we did. There were some very sweet friends who popped in to give me a hug and let me know that they were praying for me. Again, I felt so loved.

I ate lunch with Hugh’s family and it was a great distraction. I also got a couple goodies while I was there: two little basil plants, a few mint plants, and a cool little pot. Some might think that is not so cool…but I love plants and herbs for some reason and it made me so happy. It’s the little things. Thanks, Grandma for sharing your herb plants. J

When I arrived home, there were neon letters, a note, balloons, a cookie cake, and coupons to Yoga Berry (I LOVE frozen yogurt or ice cream in any form…and coupons for that matter). And the tears were back. My high school small group left me the most encouraging note. It was food to my soul. Again, I felt so loved. It was enough encouragement to get me through my next adventure.

I had to go to my favorite place, the grocery store, and get food for the week. Only to be shopping with ALL men! What the heck, man? Even the grocery store was a challenge. I was surrounded by a bunch of lost puppies and their kiddos walking around aimlessly attempting to buy the perfect ingredients for the special dinners they were making for their wives and mothers. Yes, there were women in the store, but I was obviously extra sensitive to all the men and their children. The Deli line was a ghost town; mothers must have taken the day off. Goodness, slightly ridiculous, I know, but still that was my Mother’s Day grocery store experience and I thought someone would appreciate hearing about it. J

Around 11 pm, I was already nestled in bed after a great dinner with Cindy’s parents when Brad finally arrived home from his 9 day TPC “ecology” venture, aka ‘trash duty.” I opened the bedroom door to find him standing there sweaty, sunburned, covered in trash and holding a garbage bag of random flowers that he found at the TPC. It was a sweet moment for me. I wish I could have taken a picture. I guess the picture is burned in my mind in the form of a memory. He stood there and grinned, like he hoped these flowers would suffice. I did some trimming and arranged the flowers in a vase. Brad was even impressed that the half wilted hodge podge had turned into a beautiful bouquet. I couldn’t have picked prettier flowers. I am so thankful for him and I am so glad to have him back! Brad, thank you for remembering my longing to be a mother after your incredibly long and tiring week. I don’t know where you found those flowers, but they were perfect. I love you.

I couldn’t have made it through the day with out the body of Christ, family, and friends. Thank you for all the ways that you all reached out to me…every hug, gesture, text message, and email helped me put one foot in front of the other.

On a less selfish note… Happy Mother’s Day to both of our moms! We both were blessed with such incredible moms and we are so thankful for them. They mean the world to us and I can only hope that I have the opportunity to be half the mother they both have been to us. Love you both!!

Dusting off John Piper

It has been a while since I have read any books or sermons by John Piper. Ryan Cunningham sent me some links today to some recent sermons by John Piper and I found them incredibly refreshing and encouraging, specifically, "Battling the Unbelief of Impatience." I hope it encourages you as well.

"Impatience is a form of unbelief. It's what we begin to feel when we start to doubt the wisdom of God's timing or the goodness of his guidance. It springs up in our hearts when the road to success gets muddy or strewn with boulders or blocked by some fallen tree. The battle with impatience can be a little skirmish over a long wait in a checkout lane. Or it can be a major combat over a handicap or disease or circumstance that knocks out half your dreams.
The opposite of impatience is not a glib, superficial denial of frustration. The opposite of impatience is a deepening, ripening, peaceful willingness either to wait for God where you are in the place of obedience, or to persevere at the pace he allows on the road of obedience—to wait in his place, or to go at his pace."

Click the link below to read the full article:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/BySeries/15/659_Battling_the_Unbelief_of_Impatience/

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,And in his word I hope." Psalm 130:5

"'Waiting for the Lord' is an Old Testament way of describing the opposite of impatience. Waiting for the Lord is the opposite of running ahead of the Lord and it's the opposite of bailing out on the Lord. It's staying at your appointed place while he says stay, or it's going at his appointed pace while he says go. It's not impetuous and it's not despairing."

Love you!

And so we wait...

For all my prayer partners...our high risk doc appointment is scheduled for June 16. The lady on the phone basically said since I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't urgent and I would have to wait until June. And so we wait. :) We are getting pretty good at that.

They couldn't tell me what doctor I would be meeting with yet. I guess they haven't made the doctor schedule for June. So please pray that a doctor who has experience with unicornuate uteruses would be divinely assigned to us that day. We really want to talk to a doctor who has worked with someone with my same situation before. Otherwise, it could potentially not be that helpful. Thank you for your prayers.

Hope you all are having a great week. Thank you for all the encouraging emails and notes. We are so blessed to have so many loving arms surrounding us.

Welcome, Peyton Potter!

Our dear friends, Kristen and Ryan, gave birth to their precious baby girl yesterday morning. She is beautiful and perfect in every way. It was really awesome to finally meet her! I also loved getting to see our friends instantly turn into parents. It is crazy how that happens. We are so thankful we were able to share in this joyful time with them. Welcome precious, Peyton.

Brad and I had a great appointment with the fertility doctors yesterday. It was very informative and we both feel like we were able to wrap our minds around the different processes a little more. It was a lot to take in, but I think we survived. Overall, it went really well. Our next step is to meet with the high risk docs and get their thoughts. We are continuing in the research stage. :)

I have an incredible highlight to share with you all as well. I got to meet my sister-in-law's future mother-in-law, Beth. I shared earlier that she also has one kidney and a unicornuate uterus. I finally got to meet her! How crazy is it that I got to meet someone with the same exact thing as me and she is actually about to become part of our family. It did so much good for my soul to meet her. It immediately made me feel so much less alone in this journey. Just her hug brought me so much comfort. We both teared up when we hugged and held hands for a moment, for once I knew someone else's tears carried the same EXACT heartache as mine. Our hearts were immediately connected. I will probably never meet another person that has the same exact thing that I do. She even said to me that her kidney is much larger than everyone else's and I was like, "ME TOO!" God didn't have to do that, but He blessed me so much by allowing me to meet her this week. It was perfect timing. John's mom was able to carry John full-term...so I know that God can use this little uterus of mine and stretch it full-term if He wants to. I needed that little flicker of hope this week. So thank you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to meet her this week. And thank you for bringing her into our lives.

So... Hannah's Hope...I think I am in love. When we got home from having dinner at our in-laws I checked the front porch and found two packages. One package was for one of the books I ordered and the other was a new pair of shoes I had shipped from the Nine West Outlet. What more could you ask for? A good book and a new pair of shoes. I'd say that is the perfect way to end the day. I immediately ripped open both packages, put on my new shoes and started reading. I was hooked. I feel like the author is in my brain recording my very thoughts. Poor thing, haha. I walked down the hallway...reading... turned on the shower and continued reading while the shower got hot...forced myself to stop reading so that I didn't waste anymore water than I already had. Then walked from the bathroom while reading, stopped long enough to brush my teeth and read til I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. Prepare to see many quotes on here from my new friend, Jennifer Saake. This book is just what I needed.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, heartbreak, peace...all feelings that trampled through my heart this week. And I think I shed enough tears to fill up the whole house. I guess this was a week for weeping. And through these emotions I discovered a lesson much unexpected.

There are plenty of one-liners that sort of capture the events that unfolded in our house this week: "Men are like microwaves and women are more like ovens." "Men... can't live with them, can't live without them." "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” I'd say we can all agree that men and women are quite different. Okay, opposites. Sometimes it really bothers me that Brad doesn't show emotion like I do or I can't sense if things are affecting him like they are me. I often tell him, "I wish you could feel how I feel." I just know he can't feel what I do, on the level that I do. Brad's dad always says, "Don't ask me how I feel about something; I don't even know what I think." But this week, our being so extremely different in the way that we feel emotion was a huge blessing. By the end of the week, after processing through my feelings, the frustration subsided and I was able to see the great good in our being created differently. When the doctors told us that we actually would have to have ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) paired with IVF (In vitro), I already signed my name on the dotted line. Because my heart so desires to carry a child of our own, if they told me doing 50 cartwheels a night would get me pregnant, I would do it. Great visual, I know. I am a pretty decent cartwheeler. When they told us that ICSI was an extremely viable option for us, I got excited at the thought that maybe the doors weren't completely closed for us to have biological children. I let my guard down. I began to permit myself to enjoy holding our dear friends' baby, Matthew. I began to think about things that I had protected myself from thinking about the last 6 months or so. I started to think, "Oh my gosh, this time next year I could possibly have a baby." Even though that isn't promised, I let myself think about such things.

I understood from past conversations with Brad that we were ready to move forward with the next step, that being IVF. As I began to make the appointments and schedule the "next steps," it all became very real to Brad. When I started rattling off all the things I had lined up with the doctors, Brad was like, "I am not sure about all this." Whoa, what do you mean you aren't sure? The ball is rolling buddy. I already started planning my weekends around the procedures and started the search for a friend to give me all the hormone shots (Lord knows Brad won't be giving me any shots). So when Brad pulled the brakes, the faucets came on! I had become extremely hopeful. I let my heart get excited. What do you mean you are not sure about all this? I immediately became deeply saddened and I felt like I was thrown back to square one. I was back to mourning the possibility that we wouldn't have biological children. I was angry. Angry that we are only 25 years old and facing such an extremely difficult decision regarding a very fragile thing… life. I asked lots of whys…why are we being singled out? Why have all our other friends for the most part been able to look at their husbands and get pregnant? I was disappointed. Disappointed because I was excited to walk through an open door, only to have it shut in my face. I was/am scared that Brad might decide against attempting biological children all together. I was broken all over again. But thank goodness men are from Mars and women are from Venus! I can say that today, maybe not last week, but today I can be thankful for that.

Although, I want Brad to "feel" more than he does, I am so thankful he is able to think with his head and not his heart. He can separate the two. I am a woman and I can't! My heart and head have their wires crossed and I can't separate them. In most areas of my life I can sort through my feelings and think clearly about the situation at hand, but because this is such a strong desire of my heart, I can't seem to do that as well as I usually can. Brad is able to remove himself and really take a bold look at the decisions we are facing. Brad really wants to take time to figure out if ICSI/IVF is biblical or not, and if it is honoring to God. I feel like I have processed through this previously because it has come up with friends or in conversation with other friends. I know it is shocking, but Brad and his friends don't sit around talking about in vitro fertilization. So this is the first time he has really had to wrap his mind around it or really think about what it all even means. He obviously never dreamed this would be a decision he would have to make for our family. He is also very concerned for my safety and wants to make sure that carrying a child would not put my life at risk. He would like to meet with a few high risk OB/GYNs to discuss the risks to my body and a potential fetus. We are making HUGE life decisions and it is extremely important that we take every detail into account and make sure that we are 100% sure that this is the path the Lord is leading us down. Ah yes, this all makes complete sense...but it was still tough for me to swallow. But I do agree we need to take a step back. Thank goodness one of us can think clearly and see through the tears.

This all led to a different lesson that I wasn't expecting to learn this week. Submission.

Ephesians 5:22-33 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

I have learned over the past decade that Brad and I have been together that he needs respect to feel loved and I need love to feel secure in our marriage. When I respect him, he is led to love me, and when he loves me, I respect him. Ah and to think God said it first, haha. If only it didn't take so long for that to sink in! I think we are really being tested in that truth. I have to trust his leadership and respect his decisions...and while that may not always be easy, he will in turn be loving me well. I am going to have to allow God to work in me to place my "strong willed" personality under Brad's authority. I think it is clear that God's design was truly created for our good. I am thankful that the decisions rest on his shoulders, because if it were up to me I would be adopting all of Jacksonville while undergoing IVF all at the same time, haha. I know God will honor our obedience to His design and I know He will align our hearts with His and each others. The outcome might not be what we originally hoped for, but eventually our hearts will be on the same page. It is going to be a long process for sure and I am sure there will be some marks in the sand from me draggin’ my feet, but I know I must submit and there will be great reward in doing that.

My dear friend Sherry encouraged me with this verse a few weeks ago…and I am clinging to this scripture... “As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.’” John 9:1-3 Brad and I were singled out. Clearly we have a few cards stacked against us in our attempt to obey God’s command to, “be fruitful and multiply.” Genesis 1:28 But I have to think about it wrapped up in the promise from Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” We are being singled out for GOOD, that the works of God might be performed and displayed through us. I will cling to that.

On another note, I humbly ask that you would pray for me as Mother’s Day is lurching around the corner. I know at church, and rightfully so, mothers will be honored. While I greatly applaud those women for the work that they do, I know my heart will break when they are asked to stand and I have to remain seated. I know I will start to think, “Will I ever get to stand, Lord?” And I know all of my sweet friends will be standing for the first time, and I desire so deeply to be truly excited for them and hope to be able to take my eyes of myself long enough to celebrate them. I do not intend to take away from the honor that they deserve, but I know it is going to be so hard for me. I want to be standing with them.

Side note…I went on an Amazon.com rampage the other day and bought three fertility books. I am extremely excited about a book that was recommended to me, Hannah’s Hope. The books should be waiting for me when I get home!! I am so excited. I will be sure to let you know of any worth reading. :)

Hope or Denial? Tis the Question

The last few days I have been asking myself...have I found supernatural peace and hope or am I in denial? I have been sort of floating or numb the last week or so, and I can't decide if I am hopeful, or if I have entered into the second phase of the emotional “U-Curve”: denial. I keep forgetting that while we have been encouraged that IVF will address some issues, it doesn't mean that my body or uterus will hold onto a fetus. I have been clinging to the hope offered in IVF but somehow forgetting the second half of the equation. I will probably be heading into the third phase of the “U-Curve” and wake up from the denial very soon. I think the next stage is laughter. Hmm...can't see myself laughing at this one.

I was talking to my friend Gayle the other day, and I poured my heart out over the fact that I never dreamed I would be 25 and going through IVF. Never. I was supposed to have a house full of 6'6", blonde-haired, blue-eyed kiddos...with ease, haha. Maybe 10 lb. or 11 lb. babies would be an issue with my 5'4"stature, but never infertility. Never, ever did it cross my mind that this would be something we would face. My flesh wants so badly to just be normal, but I have to keep reminding myself that we are not here to just be normal. I am not here just to have a cute house, white picket fence, 5 kids and a happy little life. That is not what it is about, and I know that. I have to cling to the comments I have been hearing from the mentors in my life: God is doing something big here. He is clearly at work.

How did I not see this coming? It is really interesting if you step back and look at how our story has been playing out. How crazy is it that my future brother-in-law’s mother has the same kidney malformation that I do? She was the one that told us to make sure we asked about having one kidney, and how that correlates to my uterus. (I would have never thought to mention having one kidney to the fertility doc.) How crazy is it that Brad's family was neighbors and family friends with one of the best fertility doctors in town? I don't think it is ironic either that I have always had a heart for adoption. There is nothing that breaks my heart more than to know there are children out there who don't have someone to call them their own. They aren't claimed by anyone; how deeply they must hurt and long to be loved? I also don't think it is a mistake that I work at Children's MIRACLE Network. I have spent the last two years of my life raising money to buy incubators for the Neonatal Intensive Care Units in hospitals here in Jacksonville, dollar by dollar, which, by the looks of it, we may be actually using ourselves. Through this same job, I have also spent the last two years of my life hearing and seeing miracles happen right before my eyes. Mistake, I think not. I could go on forever. I have to hold onto these pieces and see that God is indeed writing a beautiful story.

While it hurts more than you could ever imagine, I should count it an honor to be used as a vessel for His story to unfold in and through. The pages are turning in our story, and my goal is to keep my heart in a place where I am allowing God to write the story He chooses to pen on these pages. I have to fight to remain in a place where I can be used. It is easy to waver from abiding in Him, but I have to fight to stay there. I want this to be used for His glory and honor. I just can't let satan steal the opportunity. I pray that I can love the Lord more than I desire to have my own biological children. I know that is the best place I can be. It is going to be a long tough road, but I am willing to fight. When Jesus was at the last supper, and He knew He was soon to depart from His disciples to be with His Heavenly Father, He got up from supper and began washing the disciples’ feet. When Simon Peter began to question Him, He said, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” I know that God knows what He is up to, and He knows exactly what He is doing, but I am anxiously awaiting the “afterward”, where I might have just a glimmer of understanding. I know it will be worth the fight.

I told someone recently that I know it must be so difficult to be my friend right now. So I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends and family for being so kind and so sensitive to where I am at right now, especially all my pregger friends. I know if I was pregnant, and I was my friend right now, it would be an extremely difficult position to be in. I would wonder: “How much should I say?” “Does it hurt her feelings when I don't talk about things going on with the baby? or do I talk about it too much?” “Am I smothering her?” “Am I not calling enough?” “Does she need me to encourage or just listen?” Maybe these are all just questions I would be asking myself if I were my friend. So thank you! I appreciate all of you so much and could not be going through this without you. Thank you for be patient, kind, selfLESS, caring and tender-hearted towards me. I have said from the beginning that it is my goal to not be the stealer of joy in your most joyous experiences. Thank you for allowing me to step in when I think my heart can handle it and to step back when I don't think it can. I am very thankful for all of you. I am also thankful for the new friendships the Lord has brought into our lives. It is so refreshing to meet and talk with people who can relate to our journey. Until you have experienced something, you can’t really relate. You can try to understand, but as it is with anything, until you have experienced it, you can’t truly relate. Infertility is a very lonely place, so thank you Lord for each of those friendships as well.

Where do we go from here? That is the next question! Everyone wants to know! Okay, my dad would say, “Everyone?” Maybe not everyone, but people have been asking what the next step is for us. Basically, you guessed it; we are waiting for more test results. We are waiting on some blood work for Brad, and then we have a few more months of testing before we begin IVF. So basically, we exited a waiting period to enter a new waiting period. This particular waiting period has been different from most. It has been slightly freeing, truthfully. There is nothing Brad and I can do to make anything happen. At this point it would be an absolute miracle. It would have always been an absolute miracle, but absolute has a whole new meaning. Brad and I have been able to just enjoy each other. The pressure is off a bit. All we can do is wait. We’re not sure where we are going per se...but that is where we are at.

Perfectly Said...

Brad's Aunt Brooks sent this to me and honestly I couldn't have said it any better!! I have always told everyone that the hardest thing is finding a balance between guarding my heart and hope. Which in turn, guarding your heart too much could lead to despair. This quote explains the battle of my heart to the core. Hope it encourages you as it did me.

“There are times when things look very dark to me—so dark that I have to wait even for hope. It is bad enough to wait in hope, to see no glimmer of a prospect and yet refuse to despair; to have nothing but night before the casement and yet to keep; the casement open for possible stars; to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence—that is the grandest patience in the universe. It is Job in the tempest; it is Abraham on the road to Moriah; it is Moses in the desert of Midian; it is the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane.

There is no patience so hard as that which endures, ‘as seeing him who is invisible’; it is the waiting for hope.

Thou hast made waiting beautiful; Thou hast made patience divine. Thou hast taught us that the Father’s will may be received just because it is His will. Thou hast revealed to us that a soul may see nothing but sorrow in the cup and yet may refuse to let it go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than its own.

Give me this divine power of Thine, the power of Gethsemane. Give me the power to wait for hope itself, to look out from the casement where there are no stars. Give me the power, when the very joy that was set before me is gone, to stand unconquered amid the night, and say, ‘To the eye of my Father it is perhaps shining still.’ I shall reach the climax of strength when I have learned to wait for hope.”

~George Matheson, Streams in the Desert