Pushing it Back

Somehow I have managed to become even busier than I was when I was working full time. I have no idea how I did everything before. We did get to take a few vacations and I am very thankful for that time, but I feel overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 years worth of projects. Checking it off, one thing at a time!

I never dreamed I would say this, but I think Brad and I are going to push back treatments a month or so. Brad almost fell out of the booth at Chili’s when I told him that August was too soon. All along, the opportunity to attempt pregnancy couldn’t come soon enough. I really felt the Lord saying, just wait a bit. I have to trust that His timing is better than ours. Often that is easy to say and more difficult to put into practice, but I feel at peace with our decision. I feared telling Brad that I was feeling that way, because I knew when I told him that I was then making a commitment to wait. But obviously I am glad I did. The process is so intimidating. And I think we both feel like we really haven’t had the time we need to get emotionally prepared.

The hardest part is taking the first step in faith to begin the process. I think when pregnancy happens naturally, you are forced to take the journey as it comes. You don’t have a choice. I think Brad and I feel like we are signing up for a roller coaster ride and it is hard to take the first step. With IVF, you are signing up for much more than heartburn, nausea, swollen feet, and stretch marks…and the daunting task of become a parent. It’s more like big shots, crazy hormones, possible ovary over stimulation, anesthesia, procedures, more shots, miscarriages… “Ooooo, pick me, pick me!” It is a lot to sign up for with a WHOLE heck of a lot of unknowns. I think we are going to just enjoy the summer and look more towards Sept/October.

Thank you for the encouraging emails, texts, and messages.

Much love,

Loving on other people's children...

I read in one of my many books that some people instead of pursuing adoption or medical intervention just spend their time pouring into other people's children. Well the Valiquette clan blessed me tremendously on my birthday!! I loved spending time with their 4 treasures! How can you not love them?!?!

Addison and Bryce wanted to help Brad get ready for work. His shoes are bigger than they are!!

It's a Lonely Ride

I debated on whether or not I should get on here and share where my heart is this week or not. I didn't want to have an online pity party. :) And I didn't want to hurt anyone who may be sharing in the joy of pregnancy right now. But then I remembered the reason I started this blog in the first place. It was to relate to people who are struggling with the same things as I am, and to be a beacon in this dark and lonely world. So here I am…

I was riding on a high from our last doctor's appointment for the remaining part of June. And then my cycle was 7 days late and you guessed it...a little voice in my head starting whispering, "This could be your miracle!" And the battle began. And as you also probably guessed, it was just a tease. And to top it off, it was a really rough round this month and I just wept on the bathroom floor writhing in pain (we have carpet, don't worry...it wasn't too weird for me to be laying on the bathroom floor. The fact that we have carpet in the bathroom, okay, now that is weird). It felt like a cruel joke and I started to become angry that I have to endure the pains and not so fun parts of being female, yet there is no guarantee that I will get to experience the blessings of being female. I was extremely frustrated. It’s a constant reminder of what might not be. Your body does all that it is supposed to do, yet nothing comes of it. It's like a revolving door that smacks you on your face month after month.

I learned of a few more pregnancies this week as well. I am extremely thankful for those lives and so excited for the parents to be, please hear me on that. I am celebrating those precious gifts, but the other half of my heart was left feeling very alone. I am not discounting the good news, I just wanted to hone in on the feeling that the news left me to deal with. I kept saying to Brad,"Everyone has moved on and they have been blessed with the gift of life and I am just left here alone." It is very lonely here. I am beginning to feel more and more trapped in my little bubble every time I hear of another pregnancy. The doctors told me that 1 in 6 women will be infertile. Really? Interesting, I think I am running on 1 in 30 in my circle. I feel very far from 1 in 6. Every time another announcement is made I feel myself sinking lower. I become even more unrelateable. I don't know what kind of diapers explode and which ones don't. I don't have anything to say about nap schedules. I don't have anything to say about the first time my child did this or that...unless of course it is about LT. I have absolutely no opinion about whether or not you should let your child cry it out or not. I would give anything to even be able to say that I didn't sleep much last night because my child was out of his/her routine. I feel like I don't have anything to offer to the people who are in my life stage right now. And I really don't have much to bring to the conversation. I feel the dynamics of some of my friendships changing and its because they are moving into a different chapter and those pages haven't turned for me yet, nor am I promised that those pages will turn. I feel like I have less and less in common with our friends with every day that passes. I know this can apply to lots of people, even those not experiencing infertility, but those who long to be married or long to even be in a relationship that even allows them to hope for children. It just can be very lonely and that is the emotion that I am trying to come to grips with at the moment. Not that I don't have lots of friends and family, or people who are invested in our journey...but it is lonely in the sense that no one understands your world or exactly how your heart feels. At the end of the day, when I lay my head down it is just me, the Lord, my heart, and my mind and no one can really understand or relate to me. That is where it gets lonely.

Poor ladies at the mall today had no clue that they stirred something in me as they passed by with their cute little bellies and that glow that all pregnant women have. Yes, I can hope in the process we plan to begin in the fall, but if there is something this journey has taught me, it is that nothing goes as planned! So I don't want to store up too much hope in IVF. It may not be the answer and I can't put my whole heart in the petri dish. Just because we have been given the opportunity to pursue IVF, doesn't mean it is going to work or that it is God's answer to our desire for children. We aren't guaranteed anything.

I am sorry I don't have much encouragement today. I know this is just a passing feeling, but I know it is not the last time it will rear its ugly head either. If you can relate to what I am describing, know that you are not alone! J

Even though I don’t have much encouragement to offer, Sarah’s Laughter pulled through once again. If you are not subscribed to this e-newsletter and are experiencing infertility, I highly suggest that you do subscribe. http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

“Hebrews 4:15-16 says

For we do not have a high priest who cannot

sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

We have a marvelous high priest in Jesus Christ, who understands the hurts and frustrations of our lives. He invites us to come into the throne roomof God to find the help we need.

I love to learn the literal translations of Scripture, and this verse has to be one of the reasons why! Look at the part of this verse that says “draw near with confidence”. The literal meaning of these words is “come recklessly unannounced”! God is telling you to come recklessly unannounced to Him to receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to make an appointment! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to ask if it’s okay, or wonder if you are harassing God! Come recklessly unannounced! Cry out to Him when your period starts again. Call on His Name and ask for His guidance when you are faced with another decision or another friend gets pregnant and you don’t. You don’t have to worry that God is going to get tired of your repeated requests for a baby, or that He’ll send a holy messenger to you to tell you to stop calling Him! He says to you today, come recklessly unannounced! You’ll find mercy and grace to help you in this time of your need.”

On a fun note, we were able to spend the week at Kingsley Lake last week with our family. We had a great time eating, tubing, sleeping, eating, eating, swimming, and sleeping. And LT had more fun than anyone else. Our family patiently threw his tennis ball repeatedly into the lake for him to fetch, just for him to come back and shake all over them. He went boating, tubing, and jet skiing. It was a blast!