Jumping Right In...

Well after processing and moving through the, “Not Yet,”  Brad and I decided not to leave our 3 little embryos waiting.  We are jumping right into a frozen round of IVF with one of our little treasures.  They ARE our children and I just can’t stand the thought of leaving them there.  I know you are thinking, “Wow, are you ready for all that?”  Or maybe you ‘re not. But to answer the question anyway, Brad and I felt like we were already so enveloped in the process that we thought, "Why stop now?"  Nothing really changed for us after we got the “Yes.”  We were still doing shots and carrying on…so why not just keep going?   The doctor said there is no medical reason to wait, but if I needed an emotional break than we should hold off.  I think if it doesn’t work this time, I will need an emotional break and my poor little body will need a break from all these hormones!

The frozen cycle is much easier and less involved than the process of retrieving all the eggs, etc.  I am so thankful for the 3 frozen embryos and thankful we didn’t have to make a decision about whether to go through another full round or not.  For now, anyway.  After losing the first one I started estrogen patches to help my body prepare for the embryo transfer.  Right now it is looking like March 7 for our transfer date.  From there we just do the progesterone shots.  Easy peasy in comparison to the last round.

I went through a period of just being numb.   I didn’t know what I thought and I found myself not wanting to talk about it.  And when I had those feelings, I was left wondering, “Who am I?”  I have never been at a loss for words when it comes to our story, but my heart was just plain numb.  That is the only way to describe it.  After the numbness I was able to process and let go of our first little treasure.  For some reason God did not want him or her to make it into our world.   I can only cling to the truth that I know about our God, it was for our good and I don’t want anything outside of that. “And we know for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.  

In His perfect goodness and timing, coming out of round one we were studying idols in Isaiah and how God feels about them.  Let’s just say He isn’t a big fan.  His word makes it VERY clear that idols are futile and foolish folly.  God speaking to idols: “Tell us what is to come hereafter, that we may know that you are gods; do good or do harm, that we may be dismayed or terrified. Behold, you are nothing, and your work is less than nothing; an abomination is he who chooses you…Behold they are ALL a delusion; their works are nothing; their metal images are empty wind.” Isaiah 23-29.   An idol is any devotion of the heart before Him.   Am I making a child, a family an idol before my maker, my Lord?  At the same time, at our Common Thread meeting this month, Kristi Russell shared her story of God leading her to the verse in 1 Samuel about Hannah (Read 1 Samuel 1 for more on Hannah's story of infertility) where her husband asks her, “Hannah, why do you weep?  And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?  Am I not more to you than ten sons?”  That really struck a chord with me.  She shared with us that the Lord used that verse to rescue her marriage.   By no means have I been perfect in this area, but I knew from day one that I did not want the desire for children to steal our marriage.  This verse is a significant reminder of that.  For me, I thought, “Maybe, God is saying that to me.  Am I not more important to you than ten toes and ten fingers?”  I had begun to believe that my world would never be complete without being given the opportunity to love one of His children.  But I think this verse is a huge reminder that God is to complete my world.  I was created to tell people about Him and who He is, a child would just be the cherry on top.  Have I also been saying to Brad, without speaking a word, “You are not enough for me?”  That makes my heart fall to pieces.  I would never want him to think that, but have I unintentionally made him feel that way?  Think how much more the Lord must desire for me to see Him as number one, as the completer of my world. ‘You shall have no other God before me.' Exodus 20:3.  I think the Lord has been sending out warning shots for me over the last few weeks as I mourned what didn’t come to be. “I know the desires of your heart, but DO NOT put them before me.”  I hear ya, loud and clear!  Maybe I should flag this post because I have a feeling I might need a few reminders along the way.

That same night, at the Common Thread meeting, God used the beautiful stories He had written in the other women’s lives to peel back my little fingers (and I have come to learn through those around me that they are little. ;) )  one by one and loosen my grip on the dreams I have for my family.  None of these women would have drawn the same family portrait 20 years ago that they have now, but they wouldn’t trade the vibrant portrait that God painted of their family for anything in the world.  I heard the beautiful stories and I am beginning to realize that the story I have written will NEVER compare to the one He has for us.  “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  Ecc. 3:11.  While I was walking LT today, I just prayed that God would allow me to fully release MY story and to let Him write HIS story.   I imagine He has a pretty good one up His sleeve somewhere.  I'm reaching pretty far up that sleeve.  I know its gotta be up there somewhere. :)

Every time I post, Brad says, “Dang, this is so long!”  Wait until he gets a load of this one. Haha.  Maybe if I posted more frequently they wouldn’t be so long.  I will see what I can do about that.  Thanks for sticking with me and trudging through the musings of my heart over the last few weeks.  

Not yet...

We got a confirmed “No” on the blood work yesterday. I knew that was the answer, but there was still that slight flicker of hope left in me.  I had mostly mourned it all on Thursday, but still had to move through the final “no” yesterday.  

Part of me wonders why we got the “yes” and then a “no.”  What a tease!  But there is another huge part of me that is thankful we were able to get pregnant and thankful for the opportunity to celebrate.  We may never have another moment like that.

I am sort of numb at the moment.  I think I have gotten really good at turning myself off emotionally when I need to.  I know that is not healthy, but sometimes I think that is the only way I can cope.  I think I will have to continue to do that in order to survive this process.  I wouldn’t say I have had peace with the situation over the last few days, but I haven’t been as upset as I thought I would be either.  I can only assume that it must be all the prayers that are keeping me from crossing over to the dark side and helping me to keep my eyes on Him.  There are moments when I can feel satan tugging me his way, wanting me to let this get the best of me, but then I can feel God pulling me in the other direction at the same time, reminding me of His goodness and sovereignty. It is no mistake that the Lord has had me studying Isaiah in this season so that I could learn of his promises, their fulfillment, and His control in all things since the beginning of time.  

I was encouraged by this tonight. Isaiah 42:16:

“And  I will lead the blind

in a way that they do not know,

in paths that they have not known

I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light,

The rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,

And I DO NOT FORSAKE them.”

Right now I do feel as though I am blind stumbling down a very unknown path. We are having to rely not on what we can see, but in the things unseen.  I am trusting in His promise to guide us and to smooth out the ground before us.  He will not forsake us.  I feel like I am walking with my eyes closed and hoping that he will turn our darkness into light.

Thank you for the ways you have encouraged us over the last few days.  God has definitely used all of you to remind us that we are loved.  We know we have been covered in prayer and can feel your prayers surrounding us. 

For His glory, not mine. 

Roller Coaster Takes a Dive

Well, I’d hoped to be writing a very different follow up post to yesterday’s blog post.  This is what I feared the most.  The doctor called today to let us know that my HCG levels didn’t go up hardly at all. He said that this usually means that the embryo is missing something genetically and can’t move past where it is at now.  Or he said there is the rare chance that the lab made a mistake on the test.  I am not putting my hopes in the second possibility especially since my numbers were so low to begin with. 

I was at such peace today convinced that my numbers had gone up.  I “felt” that some of my symptoms had increased and I was about 75% sure that this embryo (that put such a strong foot forward from the beginning) would make it.  I was crushed. 

 My first emotion was anger.  I was mad.  I kept telling Brad that I just want to be normal.  Why can’t I pee on a stick, see two lines, get excited about decorating a nursery, buy all the things we have been buying for everyone else for so long…for us?  It was a great high with a HUGE let down. Then I was just plain heart broken.  I thought, "Can't we catch a break?" It’s hard having this little guy growing inside of me and then learning that it probably won’t make it.  I am grieving all the things I had allowed myself to start thinking about again and grieving the possibility of us having biological children all over again.  I did NOT want to go back to this place. 

I was told to continue my progesterone shots until Monday.  They will redo my blood work just to double check Monday morning. My dear friend Amy put it so well, “Isn’t that just the cherry on top of a disappointment cake.”  We have to keep making a pin-cushion out of my poor body even though it doesn’t appear that this baby is going to make it much further.  I think it is protocol in case the lab made a mistake or God decided to make a miracle happen over the weekend.  

It is hard to think about doing this again.  I know I will analyze each little thing and compare it to our experience this time around.  I will question every little cramp, twinge, headache…  ugh.  Even just waiting for the first reply will be torture all over again.

I don’t regret for a second celebrating the way we did Tuesday.  I have always dreamed of telling Brad in a special way that we were going to have a baby and I don’t think I will ever have that opportunity.  I loved the way that he told me it was a yes. It was our own special moment and the first time I felt somewhat like the rest of the world that gets to celebrate two lines on a stick.  It was very special and it is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. I know we will be so much more cautious in our celebrations for the tests to come, so I don’t regret taking one day to feel normal and to celebrate the life that God created.  I don’t know that we will experience elation like that again because our hearts will become even more guarded from here on out.

I must say that while I am heart broken and emotionally wiped, I am thankful for the ways that God has been gracious to us. I have my husband.  We have our health. We have a roof over our heads.  We have family and friends that love us dearly.  The news has a great way of reminding you of how much worse things could be. 

We have a long weekend ahead of us as we hang on until Monday.   Thanks for all the prayers.  

Keeping Us on Our Knees

 Well we got incredible news Tuesday.  I went in for blood work yesterday to see if the embryo took or not.  I gave them Brad’s phone number because I wanted to hear the news from him, rather than one of the nurses and then be home the rest of the afternoon by myself.  I knew he was leaving work to come home and give me the news after they called him, but I expected him to come through the garage door.  I was sitting at the kitchen table doing my bible study and TRYING to focus when the doorbell rang.  When I got to the door I saw Brad there with flowers.  I thought, “Oh no, sympathy flowers.”  When I opened the door he opened his suit jacket and he had a t-shirt on (that he made  in the K-Mart parking lot, haha) and it had a huge plus sign on it with the word, “Yes!”  My blood work came back positive!  I think I immediately jumped on Brad and we both shared a moment of unforgettable elation. After I cried a bit, my whole body went numb and all I could say is, "Is this real?" We are thankful for our evening of joy and excitement.  It is not very often that we get positive news, so we ran with it and soaked it up as much as possible.

We were very aware that it is REALLY early to be announcing to the world that we got a positive result.  But we knew we had so many people praying for us and we wanted everyone to know how to continue to pray.  And you all deserved to hear how God answered your prayers.

I called the doctor’s office to get more information since they mentioned to Brad that my numbers were low.  They put me on estrogen patches and had me continue the progesterone shots to help boost my numbers.  When I talked to the nurse today she said my HCG hormone levels were at 29 yesterday.  She said they call that the “Cautiously Optimistic” category.  Hmm.   She said they get more comfortable when it is over 100.  The goal is for my numbers to double and triple every two days.  They are redoing my blood work tomorrow and should be able to tell a little better if the pregnancy is progressing or not.   I was obviously discouraged.  She said, “I have seen numbers lower than that make it to a sustained pregnancy.”  I think she meant that to be encouraging.

I’m trying to stay positive and be thankful that we now know I can get pregnant.  But there is the obvious possibility that it may not be in the Lord’s plan for this baby to make it.  We are thankful the glimmer of hope and encouragement that we have through this little life inside of me.  I am finding courage in that God has known since the beginning of time whether this child of His would make it to a life outside of my womb.  “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”  Jeremiah 1:5

Here are the verses I am clinging to and am asking you to pray for us:

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he TRUSTS in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”  Isaiah 26:3-4

“He is not afraid of bad news, his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.”  Psalm 112:7

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 1:6

We are so thankful for the ways that you have all lifted us up and covered us in prayer.  We are begging you to keep the prayers coming. 

It is so crazy that his little life is only 16 days old and is already a boy or girl and has its complete DNA makeup.  I am in complete awe.  We are just praying that we get to meet this precious little gift.  

I am anxious about tomorrow.  I know Brad and I don’t deserve to keep this baby and we are not equipped to raise one of His treasures, but we are praying that He would graciously give us the opportunity to honor Him through parenting this little one.

Much love.  Please be on your knees for baby Harby. J