Welcome, Peyton Potter!

Our dear friends, Kristen and Ryan, gave birth to their precious baby girl yesterday morning. She is beautiful and perfect in every way. It was really awesome to finally meet her! I also loved getting to see our friends instantly turn into parents. It is crazy how that happens. We are so thankful we were able to share in this joyful time with them. Welcome precious, Peyton.

Brad and I had a great appointment with the fertility doctors yesterday. It was very informative and we both feel like we were able to wrap our minds around the different processes a little more. It was a lot to take in, but I think we survived. Overall, it went really well. Our next step is to meet with the high risk docs and get their thoughts. We are continuing in the research stage. :)

I have an incredible highlight to share with you all as well. I got to meet my sister-in-law's future mother-in-law, Beth. I shared earlier that she also has one kidney and a unicornuate uterus. I finally got to meet her! How crazy is it that I got to meet someone with the same exact thing as me and she is actually about to become part of our family. It did so much good for my soul to meet her. It immediately made me feel so much less alone in this journey. Just her hug brought me so much comfort. We both teared up when we hugged and held hands for a moment, for once I knew someone else's tears carried the same EXACT heartache as mine. Our hearts were immediately connected. I will probably never meet another person that has the same exact thing that I do. She even said to me that her kidney is much larger than everyone else's and I was like, "ME TOO!" God didn't have to do that, but He blessed me so much by allowing me to meet her this week. It was perfect timing. John's mom was able to carry John full-term...so I know that God can use this little uterus of mine and stretch it full-term if He wants to. I needed that little flicker of hope this week. So thank you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to meet her this week. And thank you for bringing her into our lives.

So... Hannah's Hope...I think I am in love. When we got home from having dinner at our in-laws I checked the front porch and found two packages. One package was for one of the books I ordered and the other was a new pair of shoes I had shipped from the Nine West Outlet. What more could you ask for? A good book and a new pair of shoes. I'd say that is the perfect way to end the day. I immediately ripped open both packages, put on my new shoes and started reading. I was hooked. I feel like the author is in my brain recording my very thoughts. Poor thing, haha. I walked down the hallway...reading... turned on the shower and continued reading while the shower got hot...forced myself to stop reading so that I didn't waste anymore water than I already had. Then walked from the bathroom while reading, stopped long enough to brush my teeth and read til I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer. Prepare to see many quotes on here from my new friend, Jennifer Saake. This book is just what I needed.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, heartbreak, peace...all feelings that trampled through my heart this week. And I think I shed enough tears to fill up the whole house. I guess this was a week for weeping. And through these emotions I discovered a lesson much unexpected.

There are plenty of one-liners that sort of capture the events that unfolded in our house this week: "Men are like microwaves and women are more like ovens." "Men... can't live with them, can't live without them." "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” I'd say we can all agree that men and women are quite different. Okay, opposites. Sometimes it really bothers me that Brad doesn't show emotion like I do or I can't sense if things are affecting him like they are me. I often tell him, "I wish you could feel how I feel." I just know he can't feel what I do, on the level that I do. Brad's dad always says, "Don't ask me how I feel about something; I don't even know what I think." But this week, our being so extremely different in the way that we feel emotion was a huge blessing. By the end of the week, after processing through my feelings, the frustration subsided and I was able to see the great good in our being created differently. When the doctors told us that we actually would have to have ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) paired with IVF (In vitro), I already signed my name on the dotted line. Because my heart so desires to carry a child of our own, if they told me doing 50 cartwheels a night would get me pregnant, I would do it. Great visual, I know. I am a pretty decent cartwheeler. When they told us that ICSI was an extremely viable option for us, I got excited at the thought that maybe the doors weren't completely closed for us to have biological children. I let my guard down. I began to permit myself to enjoy holding our dear friends' baby, Matthew. I began to think about things that I had protected myself from thinking about the last 6 months or so. I started to think, "Oh my gosh, this time next year I could possibly have a baby." Even though that isn't promised, I let myself think about such things.

I understood from past conversations with Brad that we were ready to move forward with the next step, that being IVF. As I began to make the appointments and schedule the "next steps," it all became very real to Brad. When I started rattling off all the things I had lined up with the doctors, Brad was like, "I am not sure about all this." Whoa, what do you mean you aren't sure? The ball is rolling buddy. I already started planning my weekends around the procedures and started the search for a friend to give me all the hormone shots (Lord knows Brad won't be giving me any shots). So when Brad pulled the brakes, the faucets came on! I had become extremely hopeful. I let my heart get excited. What do you mean you are not sure about all this? I immediately became deeply saddened and I felt like I was thrown back to square one. I was back to mourning the possibility that we wouldn't have biological children. I was angry. Angry that we are only 25 years old and facing such an extremely difficult decision regarding a very fragile thing… life. I asked lots of whys…why are we being singled out? Why have all our other friends for the most part been able to look at their husbands and get pregnant? I was disappointed. Disappointed because I was excited to walk through an open door, only to have it shut in my face. I was/am scared that Brad might decide against attempting biological children all together. I was broken all over again. But thank goodness men are from Mars and women are from Venus! I can say that today, maybe not last week, but today I can be thankful for that.

Although, I want Brad to "feel" more than he does, I am so thankful he is able to think with his head and not his heart. He can separate the two. I am a woman and I can't! My heart and head have their wires crossed and I can't separate them. In most areas of my life I can sort through my feelings and think clearly about the situation at hand, but because this is such a strong desire of my heart, I can't seem to do that as well as I usually can. Brad is able to remove himself and really take a bold look at the decisions we are facing. Brad really wants to take time to figure out if ICSI/IVF is biblical or not, and if it is honoring to God. I feel like I have processed through this previously because it has come up with friends or in conversation with other friends. I know it is shocking, but Brad and his friends don't sit around talking about in vitro fertilization. So this is the first time he has really had to wrap his mind around it or really think about what it all even means. He obviously never dreamed this would be a decision he would have to make for our family. He is also very concerned for my safety and wants to make sure that carrying a child would not put my life at risk. He would like to meet with a few high risk OB/GYNs to discuss the risks to my body and a potential fetus. We are making HUGE life decisions and it is extremely important that we take every detail into account and make sure that we are 100% sure that this is the path the Lord is leading us down. Ah yes, this all makes complete sense...but it was still tough for me to swallow. But I do agree we need to take a step back. Thank goodness one of us can think clearly and see through the tears.

This all led to a different lesson that I wasn't expecting to learn this week. Submission.

Ephesians 5:22-33 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

I have learned over the past decade that Brad and I have been together that he needs respect to feel loved and I need love to feel secure in our marriage. When I respect him, he is led to love me, and when he loves me, I respect him. Ah and to think God said it first, haha. If only it didn't take so long for that to sink in! I think we are really being tested in that truth. I have to trust his leadership and respect his decisions...and while that may not always be easy, he will in turn be loving me well. I am going to have to allow God to work in me to place my "strong willed" personality under Brad's authority. I think it is clear that God's design was truly created for our good. I am thankful that the decisions rest on his shoulders, because if it were up to me I would be adopting all of Jacksonville while undergoing IVF all at the same time, haha. I know God will honor our obedience to His design and I know He will align our hearts with His and each others. The outcome might not be what we originally hoped for, but eventually our hearts will be on the same page. It is going to be a long process for sure and I am sure there will be some marks in the sand from me draggin’ my feet, but I know I must submit and there will be great reward in doing that.

My dear friend Sherry encouraged me with this verse a few weeks ago…and I am clinging to this scripture... “As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.’” John 9:1-3 Brad and I were singled out. Clearly we have a few cards stacked against us in our attempt to obey God’s command to, “be fruitful and multiply.” Genesis 1:28 But I have to think about it wrapped up in the promise from Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” We are being singled out for GOOD, that the works of God might be performed and displayed through us. I will cling to that.

On another note, I humbly ask that you would pray for me as Mother’s Day is lurching around the corner. I know at church, and rightfully so, mothers will be honored. While I greatly applaud those women for the work that they do, I know my heart will break when they are asked to stand and I have to remain seated. I know I will start to think, “Will I ever get to stand, Lord?” And I know all of my sweet friends will be standing for the first time, and I desire so deeply to be truly excited for them and hope to be able to take my eyes of myself long enough to celebrate them. I do not intend to take away from the honor that they deserve, but I know it is going to be so hard for me. I want to be standing with them.

Side note…I went on an Amazon.com rampage the other day and bought three fertility books. I am extremely excited about a book that was recommended to me, Hannah’s Hope. The books should be waiting for me when I get home!! I am so excited. I will be sure to let you know of any worth reading. :)

Hope or Denial? Tis the Question

The last few days I have been asking myself...have I found supernatural peace and hope or am I in denial? I have been sort of floating or numb the last week or so, and I can't decide if I am hopeful, or if I have entered into the second phase of the emotional “U-Curve”: denial. I keep forgetting that while we have been encouraged that IVF will address some issues, it doesn't mean that my body or uterus will hold onto a fetus. I have been clinging to the hope offered in IVF but somehow forgetting the second half of the equation. I will probably be heading into the third phase of the “U-Curve” and wake up from the denial very soon. I think the next stage is laughter. Hmm...can't see myself laughing at this one.

I was talking to my friend Gayle the other day, and I poured my heart out over the fact that I never dreamed I would be 25 and going through IVF. Never. I was supposed to have a house full of 6'6", blonde-haired, blue-eyed kiddos...with ease, haha. Maybe 10 lb. or 11 lb. babies would be an issue with my 5'4"stature, but never infertility. Never, ever did it cross my mind that this would be something we would face. My flesh wants so badly to just be normal, but I have to keep reminding myself that we are not here to just be normal. I am not here just to have a cute house, white picket fence, 5 kids and a happy little life. That is not what it is about, and I know that. I have to cling to the comments I have been hearing from the mentors in my life: God is doing something big here. He is clearly at work.

How did I not see this coming? It is really interesting if you step back and look at how our story has been playing out. How crazy is it that my future brother-in-law’s mother has the same kidney malformation that I do? She was the one that told us to make sure we asked about having one kidney, and how that correlates to my uterus. (I would have never thought to mention having one kidney to the fertility doc.) How crazy is it that Brad's family was neighbors and family friends with one of the best fertility doctors in town? I don't think it is ironic either that I have always had a heart for adoption. There is nothing that breaks my heart more than to know there are children out there who don't have someone to call them their own. They aren't claimed by anyone; how deeply they must hurt and long to be loved? I also don't think it is a mistake that I work at Children's MIRACLE Network. I have spent the last two years of my life raising money to buy incubators for the Neonatal Intensive Care Units in hospitals here in Jacksonville, dollar by dollar, which, by the looks of it, we may be actually using ourselves. Through this same job, I have also spent the last two years of my life hearing and seeing miracles happen right before my eyes. Mistake, I think not. I could go on forever. I have to hold onto these pieces and see that God is indeed writing a beautiful story.

While it hurts more than you could ever imagine, I should count it an honor to be used as a vessel for His story to unfold in and through. The pages are turning in our story, and my goal is to keep my heart in a place where I am allowing God to write the story He chooses to pen on these pages. I have to fight to remain in a place where I can be used. It is easy to waver from abiding in Him, but I have to fight to stay there. I want this to be used for His glory and honor. I just can't let satan steal the opportunity. I pray that I can love the Lord more than I desire to have my own biological children. I know that is the best place I can be. It is going to be a long tough road, but I am willing to fight. When Jesus was at the last supper, and He knew He was soon to depart from His disciples to be with His Heavenly Father, He got up from supper and began washing the disciples’ feet. When Simon Peter began to question Him, He said, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” I know that God knows what He is up to, and He knows exactly what He is doing, but I am anxiously awaiting the “afterward”, where I might have just a glimmer of understanding. I know it will be worth the fight.

I told someone recently that I know it must be so difficult to be my friend right now. So I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends and family for being so kind and so sensitive to where I am at right now, especially all my pregger friends. I know if I was pregnant, and I was my friend right now, it would be an extremely difficult position to be in. I would wonder: “How much should I say?” “Does it hurt her feelings when I don't talk about things going on with the baby? or do I talk about it too much?” “Am I smothering her?” “Am I not calling enough?” “Does she need me to encourage or just listen?” Maybe these are all just questions I would be asking myself if I were my friend. So thank you! I appreciate all of you so much and could not be going through this without you. Thank you for be patient, kind, selfLESS, caring and tender-hearted towards me. I have said from the beginning that it is my goal to not be the stealer of joy in your most joyous experiences. Thank you for allowing me to step in when I think my heart can handle it and to step back when I don't think it can. I am very thankful for all of you. I am also thankful for the new friendships the Lord has brought into our lives. It is so refreshing to meet and talk with people who can relate to our journey. Until you have experienced something, you can’t really relate. You can try to understand, but as it is with anything, until you have experienced it, you can’t truly relate. Infertility is a very lonely place, so thank you Lord for each of those friendships as well.

Where do we go from here? That is the next question! Everyone wants to know! Okay, my dad would say, “Everyone?” Maybe not everyone, but people have been asking what the next step is for us. Basically, you guessed it; we are waiting for more test results. We are waiting on some blood work for Brad, and then we have a few more months of testing before we begin IVF. So basically, we exited a waiting period to enter a new waiting period. This particular waiting period has been different from most. It has been slightly freeing, truthfully. There is nothing Brad and I can do to make anything happen. At this point it would be an absolute miracle. It would have always been an absolute miracle, but absolute has a whole new meaning. Brad and I have been able to just enjoy each other. The pressure is off a bit. All we can do is wait. We’re not sure where we are going per se...but that is where we are at.

Perfectly Said...

Brad's Aunt Brooks sent this to me and honestly I couldn't have said it any better!! I have always told everyone that the hardest thing is finding a balance between guarding my heart and hope. Which in turn, guarding your heart too much could lead to despair. This quote explains the battle of my heart to the core. Hope it encourages you as it did me.

“There are times when things look very dark to me—so dark that I have to wait even for hope. It is bad enough to wait in hope, to see no glimmer of a prospect and yet refuse to despair; to have nothing but night before the casement and yet to keep; the casement open for possible stars; to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence—that is the grandest patience in the universe. It is Job in the tempest; it is Abraham on the road to Moriah; it is Moses in the desert of Midian; it is the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane.

There is no patience so hard as that which endures, ‘as seeing him who is invisible’; it is the waiting for hope.

Thou hast made waiting beautiful; Thou hast made patience divine. Thou hast taught us that the Father’s will may be received just because it is His will. Thou hast revealed to us that a soul may see nothing but sorrow in the cup and yet may refuse to let it go, convinced that the eye of the Father sees further than its own.

Give me this divine power of Thine, the power of Gethsemane. Give me the power to wait for hope itself, to look out from the casement where there are no stars. Give me the power, when the very joy that was set before me is gone, to stand unconquered amid the night, and say, ‘To the eye of my Father it is perhaps shining still.’ I shall reach the climax of strength when I have learned to wait for hope.”

~George Matheson, Streams in the Desert

A Little Heart Revival and Trusting Him!

This past week I got to spend some long overdue time with my parents, aunt and cousin. When they asked if they could come for Spring Break, my only requirement was that they weren't allowed to be pregnant. Haha. I was in the midst of mourning when they asked. Good news! Neither my mom, my aunt, or my 16 year old cousin was pregnant...so, I let them come. :) It was sooo good for me to get away and to get out from under all the baby stuff. Please don't read this the wrong way. I am so grateful for all the new lives being brought into this world. Believe me; I understand the miracle that it is. Trust me! However, when you have 13 pregnant friends, your weekends are filled with baby showers, people constantly ask you when you are going to get pregnant and Facebook becomes a virtual birth announcement system, you’ve just got to get away sometimes. It was so good for me to not have to think about it. I think when I am surrounded, it is just so in my face that I can't help BUT think about our situation and my longing to be a momma. I was able to just enjoy the beach and my family. God's creation is so amazing! I really needed to just sit on the beach, read and listen to crashing waves. When I am not surrounded, I actually forget about everything for the most part. I am forever grateful to our grandparents, Grandaddy and Mema Douglas, for allowing us to use their incredible condo. And thank you Lord for the most hilarious cousin, Victoria! She had us all laughing hysterically all week. I only shed tears from laughter this week. Lord, you know how badly I needed the laughter. And I think they did too. :)

Thank you mom, dad, Aunt Neve, and Tore for spending your Spring Break with me. My heart needed it desperately!

For the first time in my life I feel like I have been hearing from the Lord, or maybe it is the first time I have really been listening. I have nothing left to give and nothing left to control, so I guess I am “all ears”, Lord. I have been hearing God say one thing, "Trust me." It is almost a faint whisper that sounds after each disappointment in this process. We have had so much testing done the last few months, and every time we went to complete a test, it took us 4 times to conquer the test at hand, whether it was due to cancellation or any other reason you could think of. Now, you have to understand what a process it is to complete a test in this new world I am being forced to live in, the world of "Infertility". Everything revolves around your cycle: what day of the month it is, what time of day it is, etc. The day you need to come in could fall on a weekend day, or you have something going on at work that particular hour, or the insurance decides the day of the test that they just don't want to cover it. Of course, your emotions are heavily involved too, You get your heart all ready to hear the "news", and then you have to wait for the next cycle. Yea, so once we even get the darn thing scheduled at the will of the cycle calendar, then a million and one things can keep you from actually completing the tests. You learn real quickly that God has a good sense of humor. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that God planned each one of those tests in His perfect timing. I know it is easy to say that, but I mean it. For whatever reason, I needed to hear each piece of news on the day He needed me to hear it. Every time I had a cancelled or failed test, I could HEAR the Lord saying, "Trust ME!"

A dear friend, Joni Alexander, told me something recently that I thought was worth sharing and might give hope to other people as well. When words are trite and empty, or there is nothing we can do or say, then we KNOW God is in control and at work. When there aren't even human words to describe the pain, and it becomes too much for you to handle, you can know that God is surely at work. He brings us to a place where all we can do is look to Him. Only God can orchestrate this miracle and we know He is at work! Trusting God has taken on a whole new meaning.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers this month and next. As Brad and I have more and more tests done, we are learning that In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is our only option. Please pray for us as we try and wrap our minds around that. Also, the 13 pregnancies I mentioned are hatching in the next few months! I am so excited and thrilled for everyone, but I know it is still going to be extremely hard on this little heart of mine. I want to be able to experience this process with all my friends and to not miss a thing, but I know it will still bring heartache. As weird as this sounds, hospital visits are tough. The labor and delivery rooms stir something in me. I start to think, will I ever get to experience this? Will I get to have my husband by my side cheering me on and share the moment when we welcome a precious child into this world? And then of course the little babies, with their mommy's eyes and daddy's nose make me long for my own biological children as well. I covet their experience and joy. Pray that I would be able to take my eyes off of myself and be there for my friends wholeheartedly.

Thank you Lord for your risen Son! As we all know, everything I just wrote would be meaningless without Him. Thank you for sending the Holy Spirit that intercedes for us and for putting Jesus at your right hand to receive all these prayers. I am a sinner, greatly in need of His forgiveness and grace. Lord, thank you for giving your Son so that He could be here with me and in me during this time. I have often thought, “I don't know how anyone could go through this without Christ and without your loving arms.” I really can't comprehend how low I would be without my hope in you! If I can't hope in something bigger, or hope in miracles, then what would I have? Nothing.

Happy belated Easter! Thank you for the cross, Lord.