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I’m Dreaming of a “Why” Christmas
Sarah's Laughter Email Newsletter |
Monday, December 17, 2012
Well Said... Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Different Pair of Glasses...
Sunday I woke up to a text from a friend who attended the early service at church. He reminded me and Brad how much he cared for us. Immediately I asked, "Thank you. Do I need tissues for church?" When we walked through the doors of church my sweet mother-in-law snuck me a tissue. Uh oh. Here we go.
I am really posting what was shared on the other side of those doors to encourage all of my "without" children friends to think of the broken hearted all around us. Not to say to anyone reading this, "Please think of me," but rather to all of us, "Let's think of them." The whole time I listened to this sermon I was in awe of two things and in addition thankful for an encouragement for me personally. First thing, Doug nailed it. I think the Lord gave him great insight into this passage, Acts 12:1-19. There was half of a sentence dedicated to James and his beheading. There is a whole lot behind that one sentence...and a whole lot of hearts affected by the news given in that one sentence. I believe, the insight wrapped up in that short one lined statement is a lot of people's experience, but most people skip over it and focus on the Peter like celebrations. I am not going to tell you more, you just have to listen to the sermon. :) And if you don't listen to it, the rest of this post will make NO sense.
Sermon:
http://christianfamilychapel.com/media/detail/day-29-the-dark-side-of-the-miraculous
Secondly, I think he gives great insight on the perspective that I somewhat believe can only truly be gained by experiencing pain, heartache, or loss yourself. I thought it was such a good reminder. I had a list of people running through my head as he spoke. Infertility has given me those glasses. Sometimes I want take them off because it hurts too bad, but I am thankful to see people in a different way. Doug said, "When you are experiencing joy, you can be sure someone else is experiencing heartache." Sometimes it is exhausting, but in most instances of joy my heart is immediately burdened for someone in the room that might be extremely saddened by the celebration. Odd right? I felt like this sermon is my life experience. I have been that person in the room whose heart is shattering and I think it has given me such an awareness of those people...the Jameses (family and friends of James really) in the room. I thought it was such a great reminder to all of us (but directly speaking to my infertile friends) to put our life experience into practice. We know firsthand why the holidays make us sad in a lot of ways and usually it is the absence of a loved one in some form or the presence of an unmet desire for a loved one in some form. The joy that lots of people are experiencing highlight the absence of joy in many hearts. But we, I, often don't act to reach out to those people.
I am often afraid to act on the things God places on my heart to do for the Jameses in my life. I don't want to offend them or stir something that would make them sad. Doug shares a personal story about a friend that reminds him that his act of encouragement is no reminder, because he has never forgotten and minute by minute he remembers his loss. It couldn't be more true. I know that to be true for myself, your calling me when another friend announces a pregnancy or birth is not reminding me that we aren't. Trust me. You can pretty much guarantee we are processing through the emotions of all of that...thrilled for our friends, but broken too. But acknowledging blesses. You aren't reminding us of anything. And for some reason the acknowledgement heals and gives courage. YET, even though I know this firsthand, I am still fearful of acting all the time when I know a heart is breaking in a time of celebration. I fall short. Thank you, Lord, for grace and lots of it.
My challenge to you, my friends and myself, is to act on the heartache God opens your eyes to this Christmas and all year round. I have shared with my Common Thread girls that God has given me a heart for single people and widows. How are their hearts hurting this Christmas? How can I love on them? I CANNOT fix or change their situation, but I can acknowledge it. Acknowledgment comforts. Perhaps it throws a rope to the island where isolation is setting in? I think often people think that acknowledging is encouraging someone to wallow, and maybe in some unique cases that might be true, but it's not. You are simply agreeing that you are grieving with them.
Personally, in attempting to not let satan steal my joy this Christmas, I have to hour by hour put on and put off the thoughts that keep my eyes on me and my desires. As I was typing, I looked up at our tree (the one I had to battle to put up because part of my heart didn't really want to), I thought, "What I wouldn't give to have little ones around our Christmas tree!" As soon as I finished typing that sentence, the Holy Spirit whispered, "Oh, but how many children would give anything in the world to sit around your tree?" Put off, put on. Thank you for your perspective, Jesus. Ouch, I hear ya. So eyes off self and eyes on the Jameses in my life.
Christmas is about my savior being born. "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord," Luke 2:11. And because He was born the Lord was able to, "...give his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life," John 3:16b. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not of your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast," Ephesians 2:8-9. And because a Savior was born, what does it mean for the Jameses?
"He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the LORD has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the LORD; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
(Isaiah 25:8-9)
"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure."
(Psalm 147:3-5)
How can we possibly comfort them? "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too," 2 Corinthians 1:3-5. Simply by sharing the love and comfort we have received through our Lord and Savior. What a fight it will be to keep this perspective this Christmas. There are a lot of hurting people all around us.
In processing all of that, I was highly encouraged by Doug's statement that it is not sinful to be the James (or family members of) in the room. I beat myself up a lot. Okay, a lot, a lot. To say I am hard on myself is an understatement. My mom used to say she didn't have to punish me because I punished myself. :/ My sweet friend Melissa Price has to continually remind me that it is okay to grieve and that it is not sinful as long as I don't stay there. I get so mad at myself when my heart is not leaping for joy at every pregnancy announcement, or every baby picture, or family photo posted on Facebook. I get frustrated that my heart is even a little sad. I hear satan say, "You are so selfish." It was so nice to hear someone confirm AGAIN, that it is okay to grieve. "Grieving is not the absence of believing, but the evidence of loving," Doug Rutt...or for me, wanting to grow the love Brad and I have for each other, and to share that love with little ones. Grieving doesn't mean I don't believe every child is a good gift and that I am not rejoicing with them, but it does mean that part of my heart is burdened. And that is okay. God's word says, "Rejoice IN THE LORD always; again, I will say Rejoice," Philippians 4:4. I am commanded to REJOICE in the HOPE that I have in HIM. Rejoicing with hope means that there must be part of you that is broken and HOPING in Christ. If we were perfectly, fully rejoicing, why would we need to hope in Him? Maybe I can stop beating myself up so much.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weap," Rom. 12:15.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope," Romans 15:13.
On another note:
A sweet friend who I met by accepting an invitation to a spontaneous trip to the Keys, Lauren White, sent me a text a few days ago with a link to a most encouraging blog. I could so relate to this post and the pictures in it, as I am sure many of you could also. I was so excited to see the beautiful color her children brought to the pictures. :) A great reminder of God's PERFECT timing.
http://elderadventures.blogspot.com/search/label/friends
And then Lauren sent another...totally sucked in...
http://www.pureandlasting.com/
Hope these blogs encourage you too!
I am really posting what was shared on the other side of those doors to encourage all of my "without" children friends to think of the broken hearted all around us. Not to say to anyone reading this, "Please think of me," but rather to all of us, "Let's think of them." The whole time I listened to this sermon I was in awe of two things and in addition thankful for an encouragement for me personally. First thing, Doug nailed it. I think the Lord gave him great insight into this passage, Acts 12:1-19. There was half of a sentence dedicated to James and his beheading. There is a whole lot behind that one sentence...and a whole lot of hearts affected by the news given in that one sentence. I believe, the insight wrapped up in that short one lined statement is a lot of people's experience, but most people skip over it and focus on the Peter like celebrations. I am not going to tell you more, you just have to listen to the sermon. :) And if you don't listen to it, the rest of this post will make NO sense.
Sermon:
http://christianfamilychapel.com/media/detail/day-29-the-dark-side-of-the-miraculous
Secondly, I think he gives great insight on the perspective that I somewhat believe can only truly be gained by experiencing pain, heartache, or loss yourself. I thought it was such a good reminder. I had a list of people running through my head as he spoke. Infertility has given me those glasses. Sometimes I want take them off because it hurts too bad, but I am thankful to see people in a different way. Doug said, "When you are experiencing joy, you can be sure someone else is experiencing heartache." Sometimes it is exhausting, but in most instances of joy my heart is immediately burdened for someone in the room that might be extremely saddened by the celebration. Odd right? I felt like this sermon is my life experience. I have been that person in the room whose heart is shattering and I think it has given me such an awareness of those people...the Jameses (family and friends of James really) in the room. I thought it was such a great reminder to all of us (but directly speaking to my infertile friends) to put our life experience into practice. We know firsthand why the holidays make us sad in a lot of ways and usually it is the absence of a loved one in some form or the presence of an unmet desire for a loved one in some form. The joy that lots of people are experiencing highlight the absence of joy in many hearts. But we, I, often don't act to reach out to those people.
I am often afraid to act on the things God places on my heart to do for the Jameses in my life. I don't want to offend them or stir something that would make them sad. Doug shares a personal story about a friend that reminds him that his act of encouragement is no reminder, because he has never forgotten and minute by minute he remembers his loss. It couldn't be more true. I know that to be true for myself, your calling me when another friend announces a pregnancy or birth is not reminding me that we aren't. Trust me. You can pretty much guarantee we are processing through the emotions of all of that...thrilled for our friends, but broken too. But acknowledging blesses. You aren't reminding us of anything. And for some reason the acknowledgement heals and gives courage. YET, even though I know this firsthand, I am still fearful of acting all the time when I know a heart is breaking in a time of celebration. I fall short. Thank you, Lord, for grace and lots of it.
My challenge to you, my friends and myself, is to act on the heartache God opens your eyes to this Christmas and all year round. I have shared with my Common Thread girls that God has given me a heart for single people and widows. How are their hearts hurting this Christmas? How can I love on them? I CANNOT fix or change their situation, but I can acknowledge it. Acknowledgment comforts. Perhaps it throws a rope to the island where isolation is setting in? I think often people think that acknowledging is encouraging someone to wallow, and maybe in some unique cases that might be true, but it's not. You are simply agreeing that you are grieving with them.
Personally, in attempting to not let satan steal my joy this Christmas, I have to hour by hour put on and put off the thoughts that keep my eyes on me and my desires. As I was typing, I looked up at our tree (the one I had to battle to put up because part of my heart didn't really want to), I thought, "What I wouldn't give to have little ones around our Christmas tree!" As soon as I finished typing that sentence, the Holy Spirit whispered, "Oh, but how many children would give anything in the world to sit around your tree?" Put off, put on. Thank you for your perspective, Jesus. Ouch, I hear ya. So eyes off self and eyes on the Jameses in my life.
Christmas is about my savior being born. "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord," Luke 2:11. And because He was born the Lord was able to, "...give his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life," John 3:16b. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not of your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast," Ephesians 2:8-9. And because a Savior was born, what does it mean for the Jameses?
"He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the LORD has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the LORD; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
(Isaiah 25:8-9)
"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure."
(Psalm 147:3-5)
How can we possibly comfort them? "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too," 2 Corinthians 1:3-5. Simply by sharing the love and comfort we have received through our Lord and Savior. What a fight it will be to keep this perspective this Christmas. There are a lot of hurting people all around us.
In processing all of that, I was highly encouraged by Doug's statement that it is not sinful to be the James (or family members of) in the room. I beat myself up a lot. Okay, a lot, a lot. To say I am hard on myself is an understatement. My mom used to say she didn't have to punish me because I punished myself. :/ My sweet friend Melissa Price has to continually remind me that it is okay to grieve and that it is not sinful as long as I don't stay there. I get so mad at myself when my heart is not leaping for joy at every pregnancy announcement, or every baby picture, or family photo posted on Facebook. I get frustrated that my heart is even a little sad. I hear satan say, "You are so selfish." It was so nice to hear someone confirm AGAIN, that it is okay to grieve. "Grieving is not the absence of believing, but the evidence of loving," Doug Rutt...or for me, wanting to grow the love Brad and I have for each other, and to share that love with little ones. Grieving doesn't mean I don't believe every child is a good gift and that I am not rejoicing with them, but it does mean that part of my heart is burdened. And that is okay. God's word says, "Rejoice IN THE LORD always; again, I will say Rejoice," Philippians 4:4. I am commanded to REJOICE in the HOPE that I have in HIM. Rejoicing with hope means that there must be part of you that is broken and HOPING in Christ. If we were perfectly, fully rejoicing, why would we need to hope in Him? Maybe I can stop beating myself up so much.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weap," Rom. 12:15.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope," Romans 15:13.
On another note:
A sweet friend who I met by accepting an invitation to a spontaneous trip to the Keys, Lauren White, sent me a text a few days ago with a link to a most encouraging blog. I could so relate to this post and the pictures in it, as I am sure many of you could also. I was so excited to see the beautiful color her children brought to the pictures. :) A great reminder of God's PERFECT timing.
http://elderadventures.blogspot.com/search/label/friends
And then Lauren sent another...totally sucked in...
http://www.pureandlasting.com/
Hope these blogs encourage you too!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day
Excerpt from Sarah's Laughter Email Support:
Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day set aside to honor babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss. Surely life has no greater sorrow than the loss of a child. How grateful we are that God Himself understands this hurt.
Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on.
You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of your precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God.
One day, you will stand face to face with the God who chose to allow you to suffer through the unbelievable sorrow of the death of your babies. One day, you will look into the eyes of Love Himself and finally have a conversation with the only One who knows the reasons why. What will God do? The answer is found in Revelation 21:3-5:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne, say, “Behold, the tabernacle of God
is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and
God Himself will be among them, and
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;
the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”
Your tears will come to an end that day. The same hand that formed the first man, the same hand that stretched out over raging waters and calmed a storm, the same hand that had a nail driven through it, the same hand that formed your babies in your womb, will one day reach out to you again, and wipe the tears from your face. He’ll lock eyes with you and touch your face. Your tears and your hurt will vanish, never to take residence in your heart again. With compassion unmatched through time and eternity, your Heavenly Father will make all things new, and will banish sorrow and mourning from your heart. No more death. No more pain. No more prematurity. No more separation. All things will be made new.
Until that day, weep when you need to. The same Lord who will wipe your tears away takes note of those same tears today, and He keeps them in a bottle. He promises to be near to you when you are brokenhearted. He must be close today.
So grieve as you need to. Just don’t grieve as those who have no hope. Your tears will end one day, and you’ll see your babies again. It’s an appointment I know you’ll want to keep.
(c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss
Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day set aside to honor babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss. Surely life has no greater sorrow than the loss of a child. How grateful we are that God Himself understands this hurt.
Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on.
You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of your precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God.
One day, you will stand face to face with the God who chose to allow you to suffer through the unbelievable sorrow of the death of your babies. One day, you will look into the eyes of Love Himself and finally have a conversation with the only One who knows the reasons why. What will God do? The answer is found in Revelation 21:3-5:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne, say, “Behold, the tabernacle of God
is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and
God Himself will be among them, and
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;
the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”
Your tears will come to an end that day. The same hand that formed the first man, the same hand that stretched out over raging waters and calmed a storm, the same hand that had a nail driven through it, the same hand that formed your babies in your womb, will one day reach out to you again, and wipe the tears from your face. He’ll lock eyes with you and touch your face. Your tears and your hurt will vanish, never to take residence in your heart again. With compassion unmatched through time and eternity, your Heavenly Father will make all things new, and will banish sorrow and mourning from your heart. No more death. No more pain. No more prematurity. No more separation. All things will be made new.
Until that day, weep when you need to. The same Lord who will wipe your tears away takes note of those same tears today, and He keeps them in a bottle. He promises to be near to you when you are brokenhearted. He must be close today.
So grieve as you need to. Just don’t grieve as those who have no hope. Your tears will end one day, and you’ll see your babies again. It’s an appointment I know you’ll want to keep.
(c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Continually Relevant
I was cleaning out a few things yesterday and stumbled upon an old note from a friend. I believe the note is about 7-9 years old and is from my college days. I had to chuckle as I read it, because I was apparently struggling with the same thing years ago that I am today...just different circumstances. And the great thing is God's word is still relevant and still carries the same level of truth.
I am currently seeking to be content in our circumstances and to find ways to serve since we are flexible and don't have children. :) I am attempting to sow and live in today, not focusing so much on the uncontrollable future. Today holds so many blessings and if I am continually looking forward worrying about what our future holds OR doesn't hold for that matter, I will miss out on today's gifts and opportunities.
I am sure I will pick up this very same card in another 10 years and still be trying to apply it, a timeless truth. :)
I am currently seeking to be content in our circumstances and to find ways to serve since we are flexible and don't have children. :) I am attempting to sow and live in today, not focusing so much on the uncontrollable future. Today holds so many blessings and if I am continually looking forward worrying about what our future holds OR doesn't hold for that matter, I will miss out on today's gifts and opportunities.
I am sure I will pick up this very same card in another 10 years and still be trying to apply it, a timeless truth. :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Self Talk
As many of you already know, we lost another pregnancy. We now have six little ones who rest with our Lord and King. It will be the dang Brady Bunch when Brad and I get to heaven! I am still processing and grieving the baby lost, pregnancy in itself, and motherhood. Maybe I can find words for all of that some day soon. Until then I am fighting to speak truth to myself. I dug up some old counseling materials from my time with Michele. I was encouraged again by these words to seek truth though God's word, so that I can get back in right thinking about our circumstances. I hope it encourages you where ever He has you.
"The point is we found our happiness and contentedness in the relationship, not in our circumstances.
The same principle applies but on a much grander scale when we know God well and consider the kind of person Who is in our circumstances with us. This was the attitude of the prophets and the apostles. Though they faced persecution and adversity, they were amazingly joyful and content because of what they experienced in their relationship with God Himself. The is the divine intention for all of us.
We must learn to interpret our experiences by what we know about God through His Word instead of interpreting what God is like by our experiences. If we do not ground our belief about the nature of God and His disposition to us in the Scriptures, we will reject much of what He says about Himself when we face difficulty." Tracking : The Way Down."
The Lord gave me this passage right before we got our "no."
"Arise, O LORD! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O LORD,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness."
(Psalm 17:13-15 ESV)
Lord, may I be content with you growing us up in you and shaping us to your likeness. It's my prayer that I would get there.
"The point is we found our happiness and contentedness in the relationship, not in our circumstances.
The same principle applies but on a much grander scale when we know God well and consider the kind of person Who is in our circumstances with us. This was the attitude of the prophets and the apostles. Though they faced persecution and adversity, they were amazingly joyful and content because of what they experienced in their relationship with God Himself. The is the divine intention for all of us.
We must learn to interpret our experiences by what we know about God through His Word instead of interpreting what God is like by our experiences. If we do not ground our belief about the nature of God and His disposition to us in the Scriptures, we will reject much of what He says about Himself when we face difficulty." Tracking : The Way Down."
The Lord gave me this passage right before we got our "no."
"Arise, O LORD! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O LORD,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness."
(Psalm 17:13-15 ESV)
Lord, may I be content with you growing us up in you and shaping us to your likeness. It's my prayer that I would get there.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Our Father Wants Us to Ask
Lately, God has been teaching me more about prayer. Sounds like a simple subject right? Wrong. haha. A new amazing friend asked me if she could pray in a very specific manner for our next round of treatment. The idea the Lord gave her spurred me to get on here and share what God has taught me in recent months about prayer. I don't fully understand all that is prayer, but I God has given me a few tid bits over the last few months that have been thrilling and so encouraging. I hope this post does your heart well also and stirs the desire to pray more boldly.
I think because I believe in God's sovereignty and believe that His GOOD will will be done, I struggle with prayer. I know that God will do what is best for us and I want what He wants anyway. I have no problem praying for someone else and asking God to do something in his or her life. None at all. And I love praying for other people. I have a hard time praying for myself.
It's certainly not because I don't think I need it. :) It is hard to ask God for something, when in the end I just want what He wants for us. So I start to ask God if He could move or do something in a particular situation and I end up with nothing to say except for, "I know your works are kind and that your plan for me is good. So, Lord may your will be done with me. We want what you want for our family." I never, ever want to receive anything outside of God's good will or to ask Him anything that might be out of it. It's crazy living up in this head of mine. haha.
God has been showing me through other people in my life that He does want us to ASK Him for His blessings. It doesn't mean we will always get them. And it doesn't mean He won't change what we are asking for until it aligns with His heart, but He does want His children to come before His throne and ASK.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ASK in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ASK me anything in my name, I will do it," John 14: 12-14. I do believe Jesus, is referring to asking for Him to act on our behalf when doing works to honor Him. Works that He would do if He were here. But ultimately He is asking us to ASK. And He will answer so that God will be glorified.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ASK the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another," John 15: 16-17. I believe in my finite understanding that Jesus is telling us to ask for His blessings to bear fruit and His power to love one another. He is telling us to ASK.
"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ASK of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ASK, and you will receive, that your joy may be full," John 16: 22-24. Jesus is talking about when He goes away to be at the right hand of God. He says He wants us to ASK so that our joy may be full. How kind of our God? Ask so that I can give you power to do my works, power to love one another, and further so that your joy may be full!
He loves when we ask because it is a joy for Him to answer. If we don't ask for it, would we lose sight of just how big of a blessing His answer is? I think I often do. When I ask God to do something specifically and He answers, I want to pick up the phone and tell everyone. It is hard to miss when He answers if you asked for something specific. We become so unaware of His blessings when they are just there and we didn't ask for them.
I have also been noting all over the scriptures how much God notes our prayers being HEARD. "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years," and angel appeared to Zechariah while he was on duty serving as a priest and, "...the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid, Zecheriah, for YOUR PRAYER HAS BEEN HEARD, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John," Luke 1:5-7, 13. God to Rachel, who was also barren, "Then God remembered Rachel, and God LISTENED to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son (Joseph)..." Genesis 30:22. "And Isaac PRAYED to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived," Genesis 25:21. And also with Abraham, "Then Abraham PRAYED to God, and God healed Abimelech, and also healed his wife and female slaves so that they bore children. For the Lord had closed all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham's wife," Genesis 20: 17-18. God hears our prayers and loves both the prayers of His sons and daughters.
Genesis 30:6
Then Rachel said, “God has judged me, and has also heard my voice and given me a son.” Therefore she called his name Dan.
Exodus 2:24
And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.
Exodus 3:7
Then the LORD said, “I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings,
Deuteronomy 26:7-8.
Then we cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers, and the Lord heard our voice and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great deeds of terror, with signs and wonders.
Psalm 6:9The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD accepts my prayer.
Need I say more? I am loving this study of God hearing our prayers. I could have listed 70 more verses, but I know you wouldn't read them all ;). He wants to hear from us. Brad and I have grown weary in our prayers, because we again want what God wants and we know that God knows our hearts' desires. We feel like broken records sometimes. :) I am encouraged tonight to pray specifically and to ASK...then I am going to trust that He HEARS me. The answers might not come on our timing or look like we expected, but we will know if He does answer if we pray and ASK Him for specific blessings.
I think because I believe in God's sovereignty and believe that His GOOD will will be done, I struggle with prayer. I know that God will do what is best for us and I want what He wants anyway. I have no problem praying for someone else and asking God to do something in his or her life. None at all. And I love praying for other people. I have a hard time praying for myself.
It's certainly not because I don't think I need it. :) It is hard to ask God for something, when in the end I just want what He wants for us. So I start to ask God if He could move or do something in a particular situation and I end up with nothing to say except for, "I know your works are kind and that your plan for me is good. So, Lord may your will be done with me. We want what you want for our family." I never, ever want to receive anything outside of God's good will or to ask Him anything that might be out of it. It's crazy living up in this head of mine. haha.
God has been showing me through other people in my life that He does want us to ASK Him for His blessings. It doesn't mean we will always get them. And it doesn't mean He won't change what we are asking for until it aligns with His heart, but He does want His children to come before His throne and ASK.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ASK in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ASK me anything in my name, I will do it," John 14: 12-14. I do believe Jesus, is referring to asking for Him to act on our behalf when doing works to honor Him. Works that He would do if He were here. But ultimately He is asking us to ASK. And He will answer so that God will be glorified.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ASK the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another," John 15: 16-17. I believe in my finite understanding that Jesus is telling us to ask for His blessings to bear fruit and His power to love one another. He is telling us to ASK.
"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ASK of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ASK, and you will receive, that your joy may be full," John 16: 22-24. Jesus is talking about when He goes away to be at the right hand of God. He says He wants us to ASK so that our joy may be full. How kind of our God? Ask so that I can give you power to do my works, power to love one another, and further so that your joy may be full!
He loves when we ask because it is a joy for Him to answer. If we don't ask for it, would we lose sight of just how big of a blessing His answer is? I think I often do. When I ask God to do something specifically and He answers, I want to pick up the phone and tell everyone. It is hard to miss when He answers if you asked for something specific. We become so unaware of His blessings when they are just there and we didn't ask for them.
I have also been noting all over the scriptures how much God notes our prayers being HEARD. "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years," and angel appeared to Zechariah while he was on duty serving as a priest and, "...the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid, Zecheriah, for YOUR PRAYER HAS BEEN HEARD, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John," Luke 1:5-7, 13. God to Rachel, who was also barren, "Then God remembered Rachel, and God LISTENED to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son (Joseph)..." Genesis 30:22. "And Isaac PRAYED to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived," Genesis 25:21. And also with Abraham, "Then Abraham PRAYED to God, and God healed Abimelech, and also healed his wife and female slaves so that they bore children. For the Lord had closed all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham's wife," Genesis 20: 17-18. God hears our prayers and loves both the prayers of His sons and daughters.
Genesis 30:6
Then Rachel said, “God has judged me, and has also heard my voice and given me a son.” Therefore she called his name Dan.
Exodus 2:24
And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.
Exodus 3:7
Then the LORD said, “I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings,
Deuteronomy 26:7-8.
Then we cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers, and the Lord heard our voice and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great deeds of terror, with signs and wonders.
Need I say more? I am loving this study of God hearing our prayers. I could have listed 70 more verses, but I know you wouldn't read them all ;). He wants to hear from us. Brad and I have grown weary in our prayers, because we again want what God wants and we know that God knows our hearts' desires. We feel like broken records sometimes. :) I am encouraged tonight to pray specifically and to ASK...then I am going to trust that He HEARS me. The answers might not come on our timing or look like we expected, but we will know if He does answer if we pray and ASK Him for specific blessings.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Suffering
A friend shared the book, The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules, and I have absolutely loved every second of it. I have read it very slowly because there is so much to soak up on each page. I wanted to share a little excerpt that has been encouraging to me. I tried posting a PDF of it, because I didn't feel like typing the whole thing out, ahh but no luck.
"God harnesses the sufferings of his children and compels the bad things that happen to us to serve his good purposes for us and for our mission in this world. This doesn't fit with how we normally look at things, but author Eugene Peterson confirms that once again we've gotten things backwards, for this is how God has always worked with his own:
We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy...
If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as
a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on
us...The gospel offers a different view of suffering: in suffering we enter the depths; we are at
the heart of things; we are near to where Christ was on the cross.
I have to ask myself how I can possibly expect to know Jesus as he would want to be known if my life remains unscathed by trouble and grief. How can I hope to grasp anything of God's heart for this broken planet never weep because its brokenness touches me and breaks my heart? How can I reflect his image if I never share in his sufferings? And how will any of us ever learn to treasure his hesed and grace if we never experience phases where these blessings seem absent? I wish I could learn these lessons vicariously, but I'm afraid that isn't the norm for any of us. Without knowing suffering and confusion firsthand, we're suck in the superficial and we cannot, much less express, the heart of Christ for others.
Does Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) see all of this? I don't think so. In the midst of the struggle (of losing her husband and two sons), she is no different than us. She only feels the pain of loss and the misery of believing God has turned his back her. But she will learn things about God in this dark place that she never would have noticed in the light. And through this painfully honest journey, God is building a history with his daughter that will fortify her confidence in him and maker her wise for the task ahead. Rick Warren could have been thinking of Naomi when he wrote that, 'your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.'"
I love this statement from Carolyn Custis James too. It is so true, when things are all good and gravy, God's daily gifts often skirt by unnoticed. "Prosperity tends to dull our senses to the presence of God's hesed (grace) in our lives. But, when trouble strikes and you're sitting in the darkness with a heart that aches for him, the slightest sign of his presence is monumental." Thanking Him daily for His minute by minute presence and comfort as I go throughout my day!
"God harnesses the sufferings of his children and compels the bad things that happen to us to serve his good purposes for us and for our mission in this world. This doesn't fit with how we normally look at things, but author Eugene Peterson confirms that once again we've gotten things backwards, for this is how God has always worked with his own:
We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy...
If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as
a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on
us...The gospel offers a different view of suffering: in suffering we enter the depths; we are at
the heart of things; we are near to where Christ was on the cross.
I have to ask myself how I can possibly expect to know Jesus as he would want to be known if my life remains unscathed by trouble and grief. How can I hope to grasp anything of God's heart for this broken planet never weep because its brokenness touches me and breaks my heart? How can I reflect his image if I never share in his sufferings? And how will any of us ever learn to treasure his hesed and grace if we never experience phases where these blessings seem absent? I wish I could learn these lessons vicariously, but I'm afraid that isn't the norm for any of us. Without knowing suffering and confusion firsthand, we're suck in the superficial and we cannot, much less express, the heart of Christ for others.
Does Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) see all of this? I don't think so. In the midst of the struggle (of losing her husband and two sons), she is no different than us. She only feels the pain of loss and the misery of believing God has turned his back her. But she will learn things about God in this dark place that she never would have noticed in the light. And through this painfully honest journey, God is building a history with his daughter that will fortify her confidence in him and maker her wise for the task ahead. Rick Warren could have been thinking of Naomi when he wrote that, 'your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.'"
I love this statement from Carolyn Custis James too. It is so true, when things are all good and gravy, God's daily gifts often skirt by unnoticed. "Prosperity tends to dull our senses to the presence of God's hesed (grace) in our lives. But, when trouble strikes and you're sitting in the darkness with a heart that aches for him, the slightest sign of his presence is monumental." Thanking Him daily for His minute by minute presence and comfort as I go throughout my day!
Friday, August 17, 2012
I'm Sorry It's Not Good News
“I’m sorry, it’s not good news.” Those are the words we have heard on the last four pregnancy result days. Brad took the call this time, so at least I can only replay the old fateful calls in my head. This time, Brad softened the blow for me. I only had to see the weight of disappointment as the lines in his face fell to know the answer, before I made my way down the hallway to our bedroom where I have spent far too many days crying out to God asking, “Why? How much longer will I have to endure this heartache?”
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Transfer Successful
I wanted to take a quick moment to note and praise God for our last transfer. Going into the procedure, my body and my heart were calm. Fearful of reentering this part of our life, yes, where I have great potential to grieve a loss, but calm. I was perfectly content not having any emotional turmoil in my life. Brad and I were in a really good place...and happy leaving the dust settled. :) I think the calm spirit was three fold. For one, I think I have grown quite accustomed to the sterile, white walls, the big over head lights, the hospital bed that tilts to a 45 degree angle, the robe that I tie in a million knots for my last attempt to maintain any modesty, and my lovely hair cap. I was so excited about the new eggplant purple blankets they have in the transfer room. They are such a beautiful contrast to the white walls. When I pointed out the new blankets to my nurse she just looked at me and said, " Okay, I think you are here a little too much." You are telling me. Secondly, I think God has done such a work in my heart and has loosened my grip on my desire to have a family. I can expound on that in a later post. And lastly, there were lots of people praying for me...I know it and I felt it.
You may know already know this, I certainly didn't before a few yers ago, but the uterus hangs out behind the bladder. Along, with my other unusual organ structures, I have been blessed with an extra large bladder. I thought growing up that I was just highly trained by my military father to not stop for bathroom breaks on road trips. Little did I know I just had extra storage. Haha. When transferring an embryo, they have you drink 16-20 ounces of water to make the uterus lie down horizontally. I had to drink 68 ounces before my bladder was full enough to force my uterus to level out. My doctor was able to easily and quickly transfer one precious little embryo. I couldn't believe it. The dilatation surgery helped significanlty, okay and maybe the valium did too. I am still in awe of how smoothly the the whole procedure went for me. As, you all know, that is not my usual experience with transfers. After it was all said and done, I held 68 ounces of water for 2.5 hours. Like a champ. Let's just say I was glad to get up this time, instead of wanting to lie down for as long as possible, thinking, "The longer I am horizontal the more likely the embryo is to stick." I was ready!
Prepping my shot and drinking my first 20 ounces. Multitasking at its best!
I am just so thankful for the Lord's presence that day and in recent days. We lost one embryo during the thaw. Heaven has one more angel. I can't wait to meet and hold him or her someday in heaven.
You may know already know this, I certainly didn't before a few yers ago, but the uterus hangs out behind the bladder. Along, with my other unusual organ structures, I have been blessed with an extra large bladder. I thought growing up that I was just highly trained by my military father to not stop for bathroom breaks on road trips. Little did I know I just had extra storage. Haha. When transferring an embryo, they have you drink 16-20 ounces of water to make the uterus lie down horizontally. I had to drink 68 ounces before my bladder was full enough to force my uterus to level out. My doctor was able to easily and quickly transfer one precious little embryo. I couldn't believe it. The dilatation surgery helped significanlty, okay and maybe the valium did too. I am still in awe of how smoothly the the whole procedure went for me. As, you all know, that is not my usual experience with transfers. After it was all said and done, I held 68 ounces of water for 2.5 hours. Like a champ. Let's just say I was glad to get up this time, instead of wanting to lie down for as long as possible, thinking, "The longer I am horizontal the more likely the embryo is to stick." I was ready!
I am just so thankful for the Lord's presence that day and in recent days. We lost one embryo during the thaw. Heaven has one more angel. I can't wait to meet and hold him or her someday in heaven.
We sang this in church today and my eyes welled up with tears. "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes.'
Matt Redman
"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus]
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2]
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name
Matt Redman
"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus]
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2]
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Third Time is a Charm
My surgery went well today. I am so thankful for the doctor God has given me. I have the ultimate healer on my side and an earthly doctor that is very good at what he does. I was so nervous to be put asleep again... I have lost count of how many times I have had to do that over the last few years. It can't be healthy! Ha. Putting the IV in seemed to be the hardest part... Either my veins weren't cooperating or the nurse was having an off day. Other than that, everything went great. I'm dilated and should be for several months. And praise the Lord, no scar tissue. Maybe one day this will lead to being dilated because I'm actually having a baby. Haha.
Thanks for the prayers, texts, calls and treats. We are loved so well.
Monday, June 11, 2012
As Sure as Salvation
I believe and trust that God will save me and am confident in my entrance into eternity. I believe in the promises made regarding my salvation. That is a HUGE thing to trust and to believe in. There is so much faith involved in what we believe God will do when He takes us from this earth. I believe the following without a shadow of a doubt because I believe God’s word is true and has been fulfilled time and time again. What makes me so quick to distrust the other promises He makes to me (to all of us) in His word? If I can trust Him with the biggest part of life, where I will spend eternity, why can’t I fully, daily trust Him with the details of my daily life here on earth?
This is what I believe to be true:
1) We were created to be in relationship with God. Man’s sin broke that. Eve ate the dang apple and sin entered.
2)Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life.
Sinful:
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). ALL have sinned. Not some, all.
Separated:
"The wages of sin is death" [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf separates the two. Man is continually trying to reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.
3) Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for man's sin. Only through Him can we know and experience God's love and plans for us.
He Died in Our Place"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).
He Rose From the Dead
"Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures...He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).
He Is the Only Way to God
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me'" (John 14:6).
God has bridged the gulf which separates us from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins.
4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives.
“…Because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved’” Romans 10:9-13.
We Must Receive Christ
"As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name" (John 1:12)
We Receive Christ Through Faith
"By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9). How many good things would ever make me good enough? My good works would never be enough. It has to be by faith.
When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8)
We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him" (Revelation 3:20).
Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
-----
I believe it intellectually, yes, because of historical facts, fulfilled prophecy, and proven truth, but more over in my heart I believe it because I have experienced God’s faithfulness in a personal way. I have experienced “perfect peace,” after fully trusting Him with the circumstances He has placed before me (Isaiah 26:3). I have experienced His healing power when I thought my heart couldn’t possibly be put back together again. “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth, you will bring me up again” Psalm 71:20. I have experienced God’s strength when I had nothing left in me. “Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel--he is the one who gives POWER and STRENGTH to his people. Blessed be God” Psalm 68:35. I experienced His answers to prayer. And yet, even though time and time again He has displayed His faithfulness to me, I still struggle to fully trust. One day I can trust with my heart fully abandoned to His will and then the next day satan can slip his little hands in and steal that perfect trust from me.
I can see with each trial and each phase of our journey how my trust “roots” begin to run deeper and hold on tighter to the faithfulness God has established with me. Our faith is being refined. Maybe someday, satan won’t stand a chance against my faith. Maybe, just maybe. “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith ---more precious than gold that perishes though it is test by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:6-7.
My sweet friend Melissa always reminds me, “Where there is fear and distrust, your faith is lacking.” The genuineness of my faith is being tested and refined...and I can only hope that it will result in God being glorified.
“Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we CHOOSE to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us” You Can Trust God, Jerry Bridges. Part of starting blog is tracking His faithfulness in the details. That is one way I can actively remember how God has been faithful. I have to actively be in the word so that I know what His promises are and furthermore, be aware of the ones He has already fulfilled. When I sit back and “trust” without taking action on my part to establish my trust, the storms hit harder.
I loved this quote from a good friend of ours:
This is what I believe to be true:
1) We were created to be in relationship with God. Man’s sin broke that. Eve ate the dang apple and sin entered.
2)Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life.
Sinful:
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). ALL have sinned. Not some, all.
Separated:
"The wages of sin is death" [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf separates the two. Man is continually trying to reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.
3) Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for man's sin. Only through Him can we know and experience God's love and plans for us.
He Died in Our Place"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).
He Rose From the Dead
"Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures...He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).
He Is the Only Way to God
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me'" (John 14:6).
God has bridged the gulf which separates us from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins.
4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives.
“…Because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved’” Romans 10:9-13.
We Must Receive Christ
"As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name" (John 1:12)
We Receive Christ Through Faith
"By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9). How many good things would ever make me good enough? My good works would never be enough. It has to be by faith.
When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8)
We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him" (Revelation 3:20).
Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
-----
I believe it intellectually, yes, because of historical facts, fulfilled prophecy, and proven truth, but more over in my heart I believe it because I have experienced God’s faithfulness in a personal way. I have experienced “perfect peace,” after fully trusting Him with the circumstances He has placed before me (Isaiah 26:3). I have experienced His healing power when I thought my heart couldn’t possibly be put back together again. “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth, you will bring me up again” Psalm 71:20. I have experienced God’s strength when I had nothing left in me. “Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel--he is the one who gives POWER and STRENGTH to his people. Blessed be God” Psalm 68:35. I experienced His answers to prayer. And yet, even though time and time again He has displayed His faithfulness to me, I still struggle to fully trust. One day I can trust with my heart fully abandoned to His will and then the next day satan can slip his little hands in and steal that perfect trust from me.
I can see with each trial and each phase of our journey how my trust “roots” begin to run deeper and hold on tighter to the faithfulness God has established with me. Our faith is being refined. Maybe someday, satan won’t stand a chance against my faith. Maybe, just maybe. “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith ---more precious than gold that perishes though it is test by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:6-7.
My sweet friend Melissa always reminds me, “Where there is fear and distrust, your faith is lacking.” The genuineness of my faith is being tested and refined...and I can only hope that it will result in God being glorified.
“Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we CHOOSE to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us” You Can Trust God, Jerry Bridges. Part of starting blog is tracking His faithfulness in the details. That is one way I can actively remember how God has been faithful. I have to actively be in the word so that I know what His promises are and furthermore, be aware of the ones He has already fulfilled. When I sit back and “trust” without taking action on my part to establish my trust, the storms hit harder.
I loved this quote from a good friend of ours:
“Reminded once again today that if God were to give us the desires of our hearts, before he changes our hearts, it would ruin us. Thankful for what He gives, what He withholds, and what He takes away. It's this trust that can give me joy in the midst of the storm. He loves me, and He is good, and that is enough”- Dylan Grace.
The long time quoted verse, especially in the infertility world is, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4. It took me a long time to learn that the, …”desires of my heart,” doesn’t mean getting what I want. Dylan was spot on when he said that God must first change our hearts...to be aligned with HIS. I previously missed the verses that precede and follow the one I mentioned above. The surrounding verses say, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness,” and “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will do this. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his own way, over the man who carries out evil devices” Psalm 37:3-5, 7. After I trust in the Lord, befriend faithfulness, delight myself in Him, commit my ways to Him, be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him I think my “desires” might look a little different. What do you think? I’d say maybe this what active trust looks like. :)
As I continue to, “ Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...” I will praise Him for all the good things He is doing in our lives. Going on four years of waiting is hard. Focusing on the things He is doing helps me wait patiently...
-Thank you for the compassion you have poured in my heart for those who are also experiencing varying types pain and loss.
-Thank you, Lord, for showing me there is more to life than the white picket fence and the All-American family. So much more.
-Thank you for showing me that the world doesn’t revolve around me and the happenings in my life.
-Praise you for continuing to put me in hard situations to sift out the yuck and sin in my own heart.
-Thank you for giving me opportunities to love others above myself.
-Thank you for the friendships you have placed in my life to encourage, love, and challenge me.
-I am so grateful for the group of women that I wouldn’t be blessed to know unless I had walked this road, the Common Thread ladies. I have so many role models and big hearts in front of me. Thank you for showing that you care and affirming your love for me by sending these women.
-I can’t say enough about the good you are doing in our marriage.
-And thank you, Lord, for the amazing things you are doing in Brad. I can’t tell you how much fun it is to watch you mold and shape him into a strong leader. I love him so much more today, than yesterday. Thank you for your faithfulness in that.
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