Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, heartbreak, peace...all feelings that trampled through my heart this week. And I think I shed enough tears to fill up the whole house. I guess this was a week for weeping. And through these emotions I discovered a lesson much unexpected.

There are plenty of one-liners that sort of capture the events that unfolded in our house this week: "Men are like microwaves and women are more like ovens." "Men... can't live with them, can't live without them." "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” I'd say we can all agree that men and women are quite different. Okay, opposites. Sometimes it really bothers me that Brad doesn't show emotion like I do or I can't sense if things are affecting him like they are me. I often tell him, "I wish you could feel how I feel." I just know he can't feel what I do, on the level that I do. Brad's dad always says, "Don't ask me how I feel about something; I don't even know what I think." But this week, our being so extremely different in the way that we feel emotion was a huge blessing. By the end of the week, after processing through my feelings, the frustration subsided and I was able to see the great good in our being created differently. When the doctors told us that we actually would have to have ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) paired with IVF (In vitro), I already signed my name on the dotted line. Because my heart so desires to carry a child of our own, if they told me doing 50 cartwheels a night would get me pregnant, I would do it. Great visual, I know. I am a pretty decent cartwheeler. When they told us that ICSI was an extremely viable option for us, I got excited at the thought that maybe the doors weren't completely closed for us to have biological children. I let my guard down. I began to permit myself to enjoy holding our dear friends' baby, Matthew. I began to think about things that I had protected myself from thinking about the last 6 months or so. I started to think, "Oh my gosh, this time next year I could possibly have a baby." Even though that isn't promised, I let myself think about such things.

I understood from past conversations with Brad that we were ready to move forward with the next step, that being IVF. As I began to make the appointments and schedule the "next steps," it all became very real to Brad. When I started rattling off all the things I had lined up with the doctors, Brad was like, "I am not sure about all this." Whoa, what do you mean you aren't sure? The ball is rolling buddy. I already started planning my weekends around the procedures and started the search for a friend to give me all the hormone shots (Lord knows Brad won't be giving me any shots). So when Brad pulled the brakes, the faucets came on! I had become extremely hopeful. I let my heart get excited. What do you mean you are not sure about all this? I immediately became deeply saddened and I felt like I was thrown back to square one. I was back to mourning the possibility that we wouldn't have biological children. I was angry. Angry that we are only 25 years old and facing such an extremely difficult decision regarding a very fragile thing… life. I asked lots of whys…why are we being singled out? Why have all our other friends for the most part been able to look at their husbands and get pregnant? I was disappointed. Disappointed because I was excited to walk through an open door, only to have it shut in my face. I was/am scared that Brad might decide against attempting biological children all together. I was broken all over again. But thank goodness men are from Mars and women are from Venus! I can say that today, maybe not last week, but today I can be thankful for that.

Although, I want Brad to "feel" more than he does, I am so thankful he is able to think with his head and not his heart. He can separate the two. I am a woman and I can't! My heart and head have their wires crossed and I can't separate them. In most areas of my life I can sort through my feelings and think clearly about the situation at hand, but because this is such a strong desire of my heart, I can't seem to do that as well as I usually can. Brad is able to remove himself and really take a bold look at the decisions we are facing. Brad really wants to take time to figure out if ICSI/IVF is biblical or not, and if it is honoring to God. I feel like I have processed through this previously because it has come up with friends or in conversation with other friends. I know it is shocking, but Brad and his friends don't sit around talking about in vitro fertilization. So this is the first time he has really had to wrap his mind around it or really think about what it all even means. He obviously never dreamed this would be a decision he would have to make for our family. He is also very concerned for my safety and wants to make sure that carrying a child would not put my life at risk. He would like to meet with a few high risk OB/GYNs to discuss the risks to my body and a potential fetus. We are making HUGE life decisions and it is extremely important that we take every detail into account and make sure that we are 100% sure that this is the path the Lord is leading us down. Ah yes, this all makes complete sense...but it was still tough for me to swallow. But I do agree we need to take a step back. Thank goodness one of us can think clearly and see through the tears.

This all led to a different lesson that I wasn't expecting to learn this week. Submission.

Ephesians 5:22-33 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

I have learned over the past decade that Brad and I have been together that he needs respect to feel loved and I need love to feel secure in our marriage. When I respect him, he is led to love me, and when he loves me, I respect him. Ah and to think God said it first, haha. If only it didn't take so long for that to sink in! I think we are really being tested in that truth. I have to trust his leadership and respect his decisions...and while that may not always be easy, he will in turn be loving me well. I am going to have to allow God to work in me to place my "strong willed" personality under Brad's authority. I think it is clear that God's design was truly created for our good. I am thankful that the decisions rest on his shoulders, because if it were up to me I would be adopting all of Jacksonville while undergoing IVF all at the same time, haha. I know God will honor our obedience to His design and I know He will align our hearts with His and each others. The outcome might not be what we originally hoped for, but eventually our hearts will be on the same page. It is going to be a long process for sure and I am sure there will be some marks in the sand from me draggin’ my feet, but I know I must submit and there will be great reward in doing that.

My dear friend Sherry encouraged me with this verse a few weeks ago…and I am clinging to this scripture... “As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.’” John 9:1-3 Brad and I were singled out. Clearly we have a few cards stacked against us in our attempt to obey God’s command to, “be fruitful and multiply.” Genesis 1:28 But I have to think about it wrapped up in the promise from Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” We are being singled out for GOOD, that the works of God might be performed and displayed through us. I will cling to that.

On another note, I humbly ask that you would pray for me as Mother’s Day is lurching around the corner. I know at church, and rightfully so, mothers will be honored. While I greatly applaud those women for the work that they do, I know my heart will break when they are asked to stand and I have to remain seated. I know I will start to think, “Will I ever get to stand, Lord?” And I know all of my sweet friends will be standing for the first time, and I desire so deeply to be truly excited for them and hope to be able to take my eyes of myself long enough to celebrate them. I do not intend to take away from the honor that they deserve, but I know it is going to be so hard for me. I want to be standing with them.

Side note…I went on an Amazon.com rampage the other day and bought three fertility books. I am extremely excited about a book that was recommended to me, Hannah’s Hope. The books should be waiting for me when I get home!! I am so excited. I will be sure to let you know of any worth reading. :)