The last few days I have been asking myself...have I found supernatural peace and hope or am I in denial? I have been sort of floating or numb the last week or so, and I can't decide if I am hopeful, or if I have entered into the second phase of the emotional “U-Curve”: denial. I keep forgetting that while we have been encouraged that IVF will address some issues, it doesn't mean that my body or uterus will hold onto a fetus. I have been clinging to the hope offered in IVF but somehow forgetting the second half of the equation. I will probably be heading into the third phase of the “U-Curve” and wake up from the denial very soon. I think the next stage is laughter. Hmm...can't see myself laughing at this one.
I was talking to my friend Gayle the other day, and I poured my heart out over the fact that I never dreamed I would be 25 and going through IVF. Never. I was supposed to have a house full of 6'6", blonde-haired, blue-eyed kiddos...with ease, haha. Maybe 10 lb. or 11 lb. babies would be an issue with my 5'4"stature, but never infertility. Never, ever did it cross my mind that this would be something we would face. My flesh wants so badly to just be normal, but I have to keep reminding myself that we are not here to just be normal. I am not here just to have a cute house, white picket fence, 5 kids and a happy little life. That is not what it is about, and I know that. I have to cling to the comments I have been hearing from the mentors in my life: God is doing something big here. He is clearly at work.
How did I not see this coming? It is really interesting if you step back and look at how our story has been playing out. How crazy is it that my future brother-in-law’s mother has the same kidney malformation that I do? She was the one that told us to make sure we asked about having one kidney, and how that correlates to my uterus. (I would have never thought to mention having one kidney to the fertility doc.) How crazy is it that Brad's family was neighbors and family friends with one of the best fertility doctors in town? I don't think it is ironic either that I have always had a heart for adoption. There is nothing that breaks my heart more than to know there are children out there who don't have someone to call them their own. They aren't claimed by anyone; how deeply they must hurt and long to be loved? I also don't think it is a mistake that I work at Children's MIRACLE Network. I have spent the last two years of my life raising money to buy incubators for the Neonatal Intensive Care Units in hospitals here in Jacksonville, dollar by dollar, which, by the looks of it, we may be actually using ourselves. Through this same job, I have also spent the last two years of my life hearing and seeing miracles happen right before my eyes. Mistake, I think not. I could go on forever. I have to hold onto these pieces and see that God is indeed writing a beautiful story.
While it hurts more than you could ever imagine, I should count it an honor to be used as a vessel for His story to unfold in and through. The pages are turning in our story, and my goal is to keep my heart in a place where I am allowing God to write the story He chooses to pen on these pages. I have to fight to remain in a place where I can be used. It is easy to waver from abiding in Him, but I have to fight to stay there. I want this to be used for His glory and honor. I just can't let satan steal the opportunity. I pray that I can love the Lord more than I desire to have my own biological children. I know that is the best place I can be. It is going to be a long tough road, but I am willing to fight. When Jesus was at the last supper, and He knew He was soon to depart from His disciples to be with His Heavenly Father, He got up from supper and began washing the disciples’ feet. When Simon Peter began to question Him, He said, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” I know that God knows what He is up to, and He knows exactly what He is doing, but I am anxiously awaiting the “afterward”, where I might have just a glimmer of understanding. I know it will be worth the fight.
I told someone recently that I know it must be so difficult to be my friend right now. So I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends and family for being so kind and so sensitive to where I am at right now, especially all my pregger friends. I know if I was pregnant, and I was my friend right now, it would be an extremely difficult position to be in. I would wonder: “How much should I say?” “Does it hurt her feelings when I don't talk about things going on with the baby? or do I talk about it too much?” “Am I smothering her?” “Am I not calling enough?” “Does she need me to encourage or just listen?” Maybe these are all just questions I would be asking myself if I were my friend. So thank you! I appreciate all of you so much and could not be going through this without you. Thank you for be patient, kind, selfLESS, caring and tender-hearted towards me. I have said from the beginning that it is my goal to not be the stealer of joy in your most joyous experiences. Thank you for allowing me to step in when I think my heart can handle it and to step back when I don't think it can. I am very thankful for all of you. I am also thankful for the new friendships the Lord has brought into our lives. It is so refreshing to meet and talk with people who can relate to our journey. Until you have experienced something, you can’t really relate. You can try to understand, but as it is with anything, until you have experienced it, you can’t truly relate. Infertility is a very lonely place, so thank you Lord for each of those friendships as well.
Where do we go from here? That is the next question! Everyone wants to know! Okay, my dad would say, “Everyone?” Maybe not everyone, but people have been asking what the next step is for us. Basically, you guessed it; we are waiting for more test results. We are waiting on some blood work for Brad, and then we have a few more months of testing before we begin IVF. So basically, we exited a waiting period to enter a new waiting period. This particular waiting period has been different from most. It has been slightly freeing, truthfully. There is nothing Brad and I can do to make anything happen. At this point it would be an absolute miracle. It would have always been an absolute miracle, but absolute has a whole new meaning. Brad and I have been able to just enjoy each other. The pressure is off a bit. All we can do is wait. We’re not sure where we are going per se...but that is where we are at.
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