This past week I got to spend some long overdue time with my parents, aunt and cousin. When they asked if they could come for Spring Break, my only requirement was that they weren't allowed to be pregnant. Haha. I was in the midst of mourning when they asked. Good news! Neither my mom, my aunt, or my 16 year old cousin was pregnant...so, I let them come. :) It was sooo good for me to get away and to get out from under all the baby stuff. Please don't read this the wrong way. I am so grateful for all the new lives being brought into this world. Believe me; I understand the miracle that it is. Trust me! However, when you have 13 pregnant friends, your weekends are filled with baby showers, people constantly ask you when you are going to get pregnant and Facebook becomes a virtual birth announcement system, you’ve just got to get away sometimes. It was so good for me to not have to think about it. I think when I am surrounded, it is just so in my face that I can't help BUT think about our situation and my longing to be a momma. I was able to just enjoy the beach and my family. God's creation is so amazing! I really needed to just sit on the beach, read and listen to crashing waves. When I am not surrounded, I actually forget about everything for the most part. I am forever grateful to our grandparents, Grandaddy and Mema Douglas, for allowing us to use their incredible condo. And thank you Lord for the most hilarious cousin, Victoria! She had us all laughing hysterically all week. I only shed tears from laughter this week. Lord, you know how badly I needed the laughter. And I think they did too. :)
Thank you mom, dad, Aunt Neve, and Tore for spending your Spring Break with me. My heart needed it desperately!
For the first time in my life I feel like I have been hearing from the Lord, or maybe it is the first time I have really been listening. I have nothing left to give and nothing left to control, so I guess I am “all ears”, Lord. I have been hearing God say one thing, "Trust me." It is almost a faint whisper that sounds after each disappointment in this process. We have had so much testing done the last few months, and every time we went to complete a test, it took us 4 times to conquer the test at hand, whether it was due to cancellation or any other reason you could think of. Now, you have to understand what a process it is to complete a test in this new world I am being forced to live in, the world of "Infertility". Everything revolves around your cycle: what day of the month it is, what time of day it is, etc. The day you need to come in could fall on a weekend day, or you have something going on at work that particular hour, or the insurance decides the day of the test that they just don't want to cover it. Of course, your emotions are heavily involved too, You get your heart all ready to hear the "news", and then you have to wait for the next cycle. Yea, so once we even get the darn thing scheduled at the will of the cycle calendar, then a million and one things can keep you from actually completing the tests. You learn real quickly that God has a good sense of humor. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that God planned each one of those tests in His perfect timing. I know it is easy to say that, but I mean it. For whatever reason, I needed to hear each piece of news on the day He needed me to hear it. Every time I had a cancelled or failed test, I could HEAR the Lord saying, "Trust ME!"
A dear friend, Joni Alexander, told me something recently that I thought was worth sharing and might give hope to other people as well. When words are trite and empty, or there is nothing we can do or say, then we KNOW God is in control and at work. When there aren't even human words to describe the pain, and it becomes too much for you to handle, you can know that God is surely at work. He brings us to a place where all we can do is look to Him. Only God can orchestrate this miracle and we know He is at work! Trusting God has taken on a whole new meaning.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers this month and next. As Brad and I have more and more tests done, we are learning that In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is our only option. Please pray for us as we try and wrap our minds around that. Also, the 13 pregnancies I mentioned are hatching in the next few months! I am so excited and thrilled for everyone, but I know it is still going to be extremely hard on this little heart of mine. I want to be able to experience this process with all my friends and to not miss a thing, but I know it will still bring heartache. As weird as this sounds, hospital visits are tough. The labor and delivery rooms stir something in me. I start to think, will I ever get to experience this? Will I get to have my husband by my side cheering me on and share the moment when we welcome a precious child into this world? And then of course the little babies, with their mommy's eyes and daddy's nose make me long for my own biological children as well. I covet their experience and joy. Pray that I would be able to take my eyes off of myself and be there for my friends wholeheartedly.
Thank you Lord for your risen Son! As we all know, everything I just wrote would be meaningless without Him. Thank you for sending the Holy Spirit that intercedes for us and for putting Jesus at your right hand to receive all these prayers. I am a sinner, greatly in need of His forgiveness and grace. Lord, thank you for giving your Son so that He could be here with me and in me during this time. I have often thought, “I don't know how anyone could go through this without Christ and without your loving arms.” I really can't comprehend how low I would be without my hope in you! If I can't hope in something bigger, or hope in miracles, then what would I have? Nothing.
Happy belated Easter! Thank you for the cross, Lord.
Thank you mom, dad, Aunt Neve, and Tore for spending your Spring Break with me. My heart needed it desperately!
For the first time in my life I feel like I have been hearing from the Lord, or maybe it is the first time I have really been listening. I have nothing left to give and nothing left to control, so I guess I am “all ears”, Lord. I have been hearing God say one thing, "Trust me." It is almost a faint whisper that sounds after each disappointment in this process. We have had so much testing done the last few months, and every time we went to complete a test, it took us 4 times to conquer the test at hand, whether it was due to cancellation or any other reason you could think of. Now, you have to understand what a process it is to complete a test in this new world I am being forced to live in, the world of "Infertility". Everything revolves around your cycle: what day of the month it is, what time of day it is, etc. The day you need to come in could fall on a weekend day, or you have something going on at work that particular hour, or the insurance decides the day of the test that they just don't want to cover it. Of course, your emotions are heavily involved too, You get your heart all ready to hear the "news", and then you have to wait for the next cycle. Yea, so once we even get the darn thing scheduled at the will of the cycle calendar, then a million and one things can keep you from actually completing the tests. You learn real quickly that God has a good sense of humor. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that God planned each one of those tests in His perfect timing. I know it is easy to say that, but I mean it. For whatever reason, I needed to hear each piece of news on the day He needed me to hear it. Every time I had a cancelled or failed test, I could HEAR the Lord saying, "Trust ME!"
A dear friend, Joni Alexander, told me something recently that I thought was worth sharing and might give hope to other people as well. When words are trite and empty, or there is nothing we can do or say, then we KNOW God is in control and at work. When there aren't even human words to describe the pain, and it becomes too much for you to handle, you can know that God is surely at work. He brings us to a place where all we can do is look to Him. Only God can orchestrate this miracle and we know He is at work! Trusting God has taken on a whole new meaning.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers this month and next. As Brad and I have more and more tests done, we are learning that In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is our only option. Please pray for us as we try and wrap our minds around that. Also, the 13 pregnancies I mentioned are hatching in the next few months! I am so excited and thrilled for everyone, but I know it is still going to be extremely hard on this little heart of mine. I want to be able to experience this process with all my friends and to not miss a thing, but I know it will still bring heartache. As weird as this sounds, hospital visits are tough. The labor and delivery rooms stir something in me. I start to think, will I ever get to experience this? Will I get to have my husband by my side cheering me on and share the moment when we welcome a precious child into this world? And then of course the little babies, with their mommy's eyes and daddy's nose make me long for my own biological children as well. I covet their experience and joy. Pray that I would be able to take my eyes off of myself and be there for my friends wholeheartedly.
Thank you Lord for your risen Son! As we all know, everything I just wrote would be meaningless without Him. Thank you for sending the Holy Spirit that intercedes for us and for putting Jesus at your right hand to receive all these prayers. I am a sinner, greatly in need of His forgiveness and grace. Lord, thank you for giving your Son so that He could be here with me and in me during this time. I have often thought, “I don't know how anyone could go through this without Christ and without your loving arms.” I really can't comprehend how low I would be without my hope in you! If I can't hope in something bigger, or hope in miracles, then what would I have? Nothing.
Happy belated Easter! Thank you for the cross, Lord.
1 comment:
Shar~ I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and Brad. Yet I have experienced very similar emotions, thoughts, etc. I hope you know that you are not alone in this journey and I will commit to pray for you daily. I do hope one day we can get together over a cup of coffee/water/tea..doesn't matter much to me..but just so I can listen and be a friend to you in this time. I was amazed at the community God brought into my life to help with my healing during our loss and our disappointments. I pray He does this for you too! You are loved my friend. I weep with you and I trust Him to perform a miracle in you. love,Chandler
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