Excerpt from Sarah's Laughter Email Support:
Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day set aside to honor babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss. Surely life has no greater sorrow than the loss of a child. How grateful we are that God Himself understands this hurt.
Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on.
You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of your precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God.
One day, you will stand face to face with the God who chose to allow you to suffer through the unbelievable sorrow of the death of your babies. One day, you will look into the eyes of Love Himself and finally have a conversation with the only One who knows the reasons why. What will God do? The answer is found in Revelation 21:3-5:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne, say, “Behold, the tabernacle of God
is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and
God Himself will be among them, and
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;
the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”
Your tears will come to an end that day. The same hand that formed the first man, the same hand that stretched out over raging waters and calmed a storm, the same hand that had a nail driven through it, the same hand that formed your babies in your womb, will one day reach out to you again, and wipe the tears from your face. He’ll lock eyes with you and touch your face. Your tears and your hurt will vanish, never to take residence in your heart again. With compassion unmatched through time and eternity, your Heavenly Father will make all things new, and will banish sorrow and mourning from your heart. No more death. No more pain. No more prematurity. No more separation. All things will be made new.
Until that day, weep when you need to. The same Lord who will wipe your tears away takes note of those same tears today, and He keeps them in a bottle. He promises to be near to you when you are brokenhearted. He must be close today.
So grieve as you need to. Just don’t grieve as those who have no hope. Your tears will end one day, and you’ll see your babies again. It’s an appointment I know you’ll want to keep.
(c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Continually Relevant
I was cleaning out a few things yesterday and stumbled upon an old note from a friend. I believe the note is about 7-9 years old and is from my college days. I had to chuckle as I read it, because I was apparently struggling with the same thing years ago that I am today...just different circumstances. And the great thing is God's word is still relevant and still carries the same level of truth.
I am currently seeking to be content in our circumstances and to find ways to serve since we are flexible and don't have children. :) I am attempting to sow and live in today, not focusing so much on the uncontrollable future. Today holds so many blessings and if I am continually looking forward worrying about what our future holds OR doesn't hold for that matter, I will miss out on today's gifts and opportunities.
I am sure I will pick up this very same card in another 10 years and still be trying to apply it, a timeless truth. :)
I am currently seeking to be content in our circumstances and to find ways to serve since we are flexible and don't have children. :) I am attempting to sow and live in today, not focusing so much on the uncontrollable future. Today holds so many blessings and if I am continually looking forward worrying about what our future holds OR doesn't hold for that matter, I will miss out on today's gifts and opportunities.
I am sure I will pick up this very same card in another 10 years and still be trying to apply it, a timeless truth. :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Self Talk
As many of you already know, we lost another pregnancy. We now have six little ones who rest with our Lord and King. It will be the dang Brady Bunch when Brad and I get to heaven! I am still processing and grieving the baby lost, pregnancy in itself, and motherhood. Maybe I can find words for all of that some day soon. Until then I am fighting to speak truth to myself. I dug up some old counseling materials from my time with Michele. I was encouraged again by these words to seek truth though God's word, so that I can get back in right thinking about our circumstances. I hope it encourages you where ever He has you.
"The point is we found our happiness and contentedness in the relationship, not in our circumstances.
The same principle applies but on a much grander scale when we know God well and consider the kind of person Who is in our circumstances with us. This was the attitude of the prophets and the apostles. Though they faced persecution and adversity, they were amazingly joyful and content because of what they experienced in their relationship with God Himself. The is the divine intention for all of us.
We must learn to interpret our experiences by what we know about God through His Word instead of interpreting what God is like by our experiences. If we do not ground our belief about the nature of God and His disposition to us in the Scriptures, we will reject much of what He says about Himself when we face difficulty." Tracking : The Way Down."
The Lord gave me this passage right before we got our "no."
"Arise, O LORD! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O LORD,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness."
(Psalm 17:13-15 ESV)
Lord, may I be content with you growing us up in you and shaping us to your likeness. It's my prayer that I would get there.
"The point is we found our happiness and contentedness in the relationship, not in our circumstances.
The same principle applies but on a much grander scale when we know God well and consider the kind of person Who is in our circumstances with us. This was the attitude of the prophets and the apostles. Though they faced persecution and adversity, they were amazingly joyful and content because of what they experienced in their relationship with God Himself. The is the divine intention for all of us.
We must learn to interpret our experiences by what we know about God through His Word instead of interpreting what God is like by our experiences. If we do not ground our belief about the nature of God and His disposition to us in the Scriptures, we will reject much of what He says about Himself when we face difficulty." Tracking : The Way Down."
The Lord gave me this passage right before we got our "no."
"Arise, O LORD! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O LORD,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness."
(Psalm 17:13-15 ESV)
Lord, may I be content with you growing us up in you and shaping us to your likeness. It's my prayer that I would get there.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Our Father Wants Us to Ask
Lately, God has been teaching me more about prayer. Sounds like a simple subject right? Wrong. haha. A new amazing friend asked me if she could pray in a very specific manner for our next round of treatment. The idea the Lord gave her spurred me to get on here and share what God has taught me in recent months about prayer. I don't fully understand all that is prayer, but I God has given me a few tid bits over the last few months that have been thrilling and so encouraging. I hope this post does your heart well also and stirs the desire to pray more boldly.
I think because I believe in God's sovereignty and believe that His GOOD will will be done, I struggle with prayer. I know that God will do what is best for us and I want what He wants anyway. I have no problem praying for someone else and asking God to do something in his or her life. None at all. And I love praying for other people. I have a hard time praying for myself.
It's certainly not because I don't think I need it. :) It is hard to ask God for something, when in the end I just want what He wants for us. So I start to ask God if He could move or do something in a particular situation and I end up with nothing to say except for, "I know your works are kind and that your plan for me is good. So, Lord may your will be done with me. We want what you want for our family." I never, ever want to receive anything outside of God's good will or to ask Him anything that might be out of it. It's crazy living up in this head of mine. haha.
God has been showing me through other people in my life that He does want us to ASK Him for His blessings. It doesn't mean we will always get them. And it doesn't mean He won't change what we are asking for until it aligns with His heart, but He does want His children to come before His throne and ASK.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ASK in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ASK me anything in my name, I will do it," John 14: 12-14. I do believe Jesus, is referring to asking for Him to act on our behalf when doing works to honor Him. Works that He would do if He were here. But ultimately He is asking us to ASK. And He will answer so that God will be glorified.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ASK the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another," John 15: 16-17. I believe in my finite understanding that Jesus is telling us to ask for His blessings to bear fruit and His power to love one another. He is telling us to ASK.
"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ASK of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ASK, and you will receive, that your joy may be full," John 16: 22-24. Jesus is talking about when He goes away to be at the right hand of God. He says He wants us to ASK so that our joy may be full. How kind of our God? Ask so that I can give you power to do my works, power to love one another, and further so that your joy may be full!
He loves when we ask because it is a joy for Him to answer. If we don't ask for it, would we lose sight of just how big of a blessing His answer is? I think I often do. When I ask God to do something specifically and He answers, I want to pick up the phone and tell everyone. It is hard to miss when He answers if you asked for something specific. We become so unaware of His blessings when they are just there and we didn't ask for them.
I have also been noting all over the scriptures how much God notes our prayers being HEARD. "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years," and angel appeared to Zechariah while he was on duty serving as a priest and, "...the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid, Zecheriah, for YOUR PRAYER HAS BEEN HEARD, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John," Luke 1:5-7, 13. God to Rachel, who was also barren, "Then God remembered Rachel, and God LISTENED to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son (Joseph)..." Genesis 30:22. "And Isaac PRAYED to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived," Genesis 25:21. And also with Abraham, "Then Abraham PRAYED to God, and God healed Abimelech, and also healed his wife and female slaves so that they bore children. For the Lord had closed all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham's wife," Genesis 20: 17-18. God hears our prayers and loves both the prayers of His sons and daughters.
Genesis 30:6
Then Rachel said, “God has judged me, and has also heard my voice and given me a son.” Therefore she called his name Dan.
Exodus 2:24
And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.
Exodus 3:7
Then the LORD said, “I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings,
Deuteronomy 26:7-8.
Then we cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers, and the Lord heard our voice and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great deeds of terror, with signs and wonders.
Psalm 6:9The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD accepts my prayer.
Need I say more? I am loving this study of God hearing our prayers. I could have listed 70 more verses, but I know you wouldn't read them all ;). He wants to hear from us. Brad and I have grown weary in our prayers, because we again want what God wants and we know that God knows our hearts' desires. We feel like broken records sometimes. :) I am encouraged tonight to pray specifically and to ASK...then I am going to trust that He HEARS me. The answers might not come on our timing or look like we expected, but we will know if He does answer if we pray and ASK Him for specific blessings.
I think because I believe in God's sovereignty and believe that His GOOD will will be done, I struggle with prayer. I know that God will do what is best for us and I want what He wants anyway. I have no problem praying for someone else and asking God to do something in his or her life. None at all. And I love praying for other people. I have a hard time praying for myself.
It's certainly not because I don't think I need it. :) It is hard to ask God for something, when in the end I just want what He wants for us. So I start to ask God if He could move or do something in a particular situation and I end up with nothing to say except for, "I know your works are kind and that your plan for me is good. So, Lord may your will be done with me. We want what you want for our family." I never, ever want to receive anything outside of God's good will or to ask Him anything that might be out of it. It's crazy living up in this head of mine. haha.
God has been showing me through other people in my life that He does want us to ASK Him for His blessings. It doesn't mean we will always get them. And it doesn't mean He won't change what we are asking for until it aligns with His heart, but He does want His children to come before His throne and ASK.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ASK in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ASK me anything in my name, I will do it," John 14: 12-14. I do believe Jesus, is referring to asking for Him to act on our behalf when doing works to honor Him. Works that He would do if He were here. But ultimately He is asking us to ASK. And He will answer so that God will be glorified.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ASK the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another," John 15: 16-17. I believe in my finite understanding that Jesus is telling us to ask for His blessings to bear fruit and His power to love one another. He is telling us to ASK.
"So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ASK of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ASK, and you will receive, that your joy may be full," John 16: 22-24. Jesus is talking about when He goes away to be at the right hand of God. He says He wants us to ASK so that our joy may be full. How kind of our God? Ask so that I can give you power to do my works, power to love one another, and further so that your joy may be full!
He loves when we ask because it is a joy for Him to answer. If we don't ask for it, would we lose sight of just how big of a blessing His answer is? I think I often do. When I ask God to do something specifically and He answers, I want to pick up the phone and tell everyone. It is hard to miss when He answers if you asked for something specific. We become so unaware of His blessings when they are just there and we didn't ask for them.
I have also been noting all over the scriptures how much God notes our prayers being HEARD. "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years," and angel appeared to Zechariah while he was on duty serving as a priest and, "...the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid, Zecheriah, for YOUR PRAYER HAS BEEN HEARD, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John," Luke 1:5-7, 13. God to Rachel, who was also barren, "Then God remembered Rachel, and God LISTENED to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son (Joseph)..." Genesis 30:22. "And Isaac PRAYED to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived," Genesis 25:21. And also with Abraham, "Then Abraham PRAYED to God, and God healed Abimelech, and also healed his wife and female slaves so that they bore children. For the Lord had closed all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham's wife," Genesis 20: 17-18. God hears our prayers and loves both the prayers of His sons and daughters.
Genesis 30:6
Then Rachel said, “God has judged me, and has also heard my voice and given me a son.” Therefore she called his name Dan.
Exodus 2:24
And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.
Exodus 3:7
Then the LORD said, “I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings,
Deuteronomy 26:7-8.
Then we cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers, and the Lord heard our voice and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great deeds of terror, with signs and wonders.
Need I say more? I am loving this study of God hearing our prayers. I could have listed 70 more verses, but I know you wouldn't read them all ;). He wants to hear from us. Brad and I have grown weary in our prayers, because we again want what God wants and we know that God knows our hearts' desires. We feel like broken records sometimes. :) I am encouraged tonight to pray specifically and to ASK...then I am going to trust that He HEARS me. The answers might not come on our timing or look like we expected, but we will know if He does answer if we pray and ASK Him for specific blessings.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Suffering
A friend shared the book, The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules, and I have absolutely loved every second of it. I have read it very slowly because there is so much to soak up on each page. I wanted to share a little excerpt that has been encouraging to me. I tried posting a PDF of it, because I didn't feel like typing the whole thing out, ahh but no luck.
"God harnesses the sufferings of his children and compels the bad things that happen to us to serve his good purposes for us and for our mission in this world. This doesn't fit with how we normally look at things, but author Eugene Peterson confirms that once again we've gotten things backwards, for this is how God has always worked with his own:
We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy...
If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as
a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on
us...The gospel offers a different view of suffering: in suffering we enter the depths; we are at
the heart of things; we are near to where Christ was on the cross.
I have to ask myself how I can possibly expect to know Jesus as he would want to be known if my life remains unscathed by trouble and grief. How can I hope to grasp anything of God's heart for this broken planet never weep because its brokenness touches me and breaks my heart? How can I reflect his image if I never share in his sufferings? And how will any of us ever learn to treasure his hesed and grace if we never experience phases where these blessings seem absent? I wish I could learn these lessons vicariously, but I'm afraid that isn't the norm for any of us. Without knowing suffering and confusion firsthand, we're suck in the superficial and we cannot, much less express, the heart of Christ for others.
Does Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) see all of this? I don't think so. In the midst of the struggle (of losing her husband and two sons), she is no different than us. She only feels the pain of loss and the misery of believing God has turned his back her. But she will learn things about God in this dark place that she never would have noticed in the light. And through this painfully honest journey, God is building a history with his daughter that will fortify her confidence in him and maker her wise for the task ahead. Rick Warren could have been thinking of Naomi when he wrote that, 'your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.'"
I love this statement from Carolyn Custis James too. It is so true, when things are all good and gravy, God's daily gifts often skirt by unnoticed. "Prosperity tends to dull our senses to the presence of God's hesed (grace) in our lives. But, when trouble strikes and you're sitting in the darkness with a heart that aches for him, the slightest sign of his presence is monumental." Thanking Him daily for His minute by minute presence and comfort as I go throughout my day!
"God harnesses the sufferings of his children and compels the bad things that happen to us to serve his good purposes for us and for our mission in this world. This doesn't fit with how we normally look at things, but author Eugene Peterson confirms that once again we've gotten things backwards, for this is how God has always worked with his own:
We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy...
If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as
a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on
us...The gospel offers a different view of suffering: in suffering we enter the depths; we are at
the heart of things; we are near to where Christ was on the cross.
I have to ask myself how I can possibly expect to know Jesus as he would want to be known if my life remains unscathed by trouble and grief. How can I hope to grasp anything of God's heart for this broken planet never weep because its brokenness touches me and breaks my heart? How can I reflect his image if I never share in his sufferings? And how will any of us ever learn to treasure his hesed and grace if we never experience phases where these blessings seem absent? I wish I could learn these lessons vicariously, but I'm afraid that isn't the norm for any of us. Without knowing suffering and confusion firsthand, we're suck in the superficial and we cannot, much less express, the heart of Christ for others.
Does Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) see all of this? I don't think so. In the midst of the struggle (of losing her husband and two sons), she is no different than us. She only feels the pain of loss and the misery of believing God has turned his back her. But she will learn things about God in this dark place that she never would have noticed in the light. And through this painfully honest journey, God is building a history with his daughter that will fortify her confidence in him and maker her wise for the task ahead. Rick Warren could have been thinking of Naomi when he wrote that, 'your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.'"
I love this statement from Carolyn Custis James too. It is so true, when things are all good and gravy, God's daily gifts often skirt by unnoticed. "Prosperity tends to dull our senses to the presence of God's hesed (grace) in our lives. But, when trouble strikes and you're sitting in the darkness with a heart that aches for him, the slightest sign of his presence is monumental." Thanking Him daily for His minute by minute presence and comfort as I go throughout my day!
Friday, August 17, 2012
I'm Sorry It's Not Good News
“I’m sorry, it’s not good news.” Those are the words we have heard on the last four pregnancy result days. Brad took the call this time, so at least I can only replay the old fateful calls in my head. This time, Brad softened the blow for me. I only had to see the weight of disappointment as the lines in his face fell to know the answer, before I made my way down the hallway to our bedroom where I have spent far too many days crying out to God asking, “Why? How much longer will I have to endure this heartache?”
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Transfer Successful
I wanted to take a quick moment to note and praise God for our last transfer. Going into the procedure, my body and my heart were calm. Fearful of reentering this part of our life, yes, where I have great potential to grieve a loss, but calm. I was perfectly content not having any emotional turmoil in my life. Brad and I were in a really good place...and happy leaving the dust settled. :) I think the calm spirit was three fold. For one, I think I have grown quite accustomed to the sterile, white walls, the big over head lights, the hospital bed that tilts to a 45 degree angle, the robe that I tie in a million knots for my last attempt to maintain any modesty, and my lovely hair cap. I was so excited about the new eggplant purple blankets they have in the transfer room. They are such a beautiful contrast to the white walls. When I pointed out the new blankets to my nurse she just looked at me and said, " Okay, I think you are here a little too much." You are telling me. Secondly, I think God has done such a work in my heart and has loosened my grip on my desire to have a family. I can expound on that in a later post. And lastly, there were lots of people praying for me...I know it and I felt it.
You may know already know this, I certainly didn't before a few yers ago, but the uterus hangs out behind the bladder. Along, with my other unusual organ structures, I have been blessed with an extra large bladder. I thought growing up that I was just highly trained by my military father to not stop for bathroom breaks on road trips. Little did I know I just had extra storage. Haha. When transferring an embryo, they have you drink 16-20 ounces of water to make the uterus lie down horizontally. I had to drink 68 ounces before my bladder was full enough to force my uterus to level out. My doctor was able to easily and quickly transfer one precious little embryo. I couldn't believe it. The dilatation surgery helped significanlty, okay and maybe the valium did too. I am still in awe of how smoothly the the whole procedure went for me. As, you all know, that is not my usual experience with transfers. After it was all said and done, I held 68 ounces of water for 2.5 hours. Like a champ. Let's just say I was glad to get up this time, instead of wanting to lie down for as long as possible, thinking, "The longer I am horizontal the more likely the embryo is to stick." I was ready!
Prepping my shot and drinking my first 20 ounces. Multitasking at its best!
I am just so thankful for the Lord's presence that day and in recent days. We lost one embryo during the thaw. Heaven has one more angel. I can't wait to meet and hold him or her someday in heaven.
You may know already know this, I certainly didn't before a few yers ago, but the uterus hangs out behind the bladder. Along, with my other unusual organ structures, I have been blessed with an extra large bladder. I thought growing up that I was just highly trained by my military father to not stop for bathroom breaks on road trips. Little did I know I just had extra storage. Haha. When transferring an embryo, they have you drink 16-20 ounces of water to make the uterus lie down horizontally. I had to drink 68 ounces before my bladder was full enough to force my uterus to level out. My doctor was able to easily and quickly transfer one precious little embryo. I couldn't believe it. The dilatation surgery helped significanlty, okay and maybe the valium did too. I am still in awe of how smoothly the the whole procedure went for me. As, you all know, that is not my usual experience with transfers. After it was all said and done, I held 68 ounces of water for 2.5 hours. Like a champ. Let's just say I was glad to get up this time, instead of wanting to lie down for as long as possible, thinking, "The longer I am horizontal the more likely the embryo is to stick." I was ready!
I am just so thankful for the Lord's presence that day and in recent days. We lost one embryo during the thaw. Heaven has one more angel. I can't wait to meet and hold him or her someday in heaven.
We sang this in church today and my eyes welled up with tears. "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes.'
Matt Redman
"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus]
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2]
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name
Matt Redman
"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus]
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2]
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name
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