Roller Coaster Takes a Dive

Well, I’d hoped to be writing a very different follow up post to yesterday’s blog post.  This is what I feared the most.  The doctor called today to let us know that my HCG levels didn’t go up hardly at all. He said that this usually means that the embryo is missing something genetically and can’t move past where it is at now.  Or he said there is the rare chance that the lab made a mistake on the test.  I am not putting my hopes in the second possibility especially since my numbers were so low to begin with. 

I was at such peace today convinced that my numbers had gone up.  I “felt” that some of my symptoms had increased and I was about 75% sure that this embryo (that put such a strong foot forward from the beginning) would make it.  I was crushed. 

 My first emotion was anger.  I was mad.  I kept telling Brad that I just want to be normal.  Why can’t I pee on a stick, see two lines, get excited about decorating a nursery, buy all the things we have been buying for everyone else for so long…for us?  It was a great high with a HUGE let down. Then I was just plain heart broken.  I thought, "Can't we catch a break?" It’s hard having this little guy growing inside of me and then learning that it probably won’t make it.  I am grieving all the things I had allowed myself to start thinking about again and grieving the possibility of us having biological children all over again.  I did NOT want to go back to this place. 

I was told to continue my progesterone shots until Monday.  They will redo my blood work just to double check Monday morning. My dear friend Amy put it so well, “Isn’t that just the cherry on top of a disappointment cake.”  We have to keep making a pin-cushion out of my poor body even though it doesn’t appear that this baby is going to make it much further.  I think it is protocol in case the lab made a mistake or God decided to make a miracle happen over the weekend.  

It is hard to think about doing this again.  I know I will analyze each little thing and compare it to our experience this time around.  I will question every little cramp, twinge, headache…  ugh.  Even just waiting for the first reply will be torture all over again.

I don’t regret for a second celebrating the way we did Tuesday.  I have always dreamed of telling Brad in a special way that we were going to have a baby and I don’t think I will ever have that opportunity.  I loved the way that he told me it was a yes. It was our own special moment and the first time I felt somewhat like the rest of the world that gets to celebrate two lines on a stick.  It was very special and it is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. I know we will be so much more cautious in our celebrations for the tests to come, so I don’t regret taking one day to feel normal and to celebrate the life that God created.  I don’t know that we will experience elation like that again because our hearts will become even more guarded from here on out.

I must say that while I am heart broken and emotionally wiped, I am thankful for the ways that God has been gracious to us. I have my husband.  We have our health. We have a roof over our heads.  We have family and friends that love us dearly.  The news has a great way of reminding you of how much worse things could be. 

We have a long weekend ahead of us as we hang on until Monday.   Thanks for all the prayers.