Jumping Right In...

Well after processing and moving through the, “Not Yet,”  Brad and I decided not to leave our 3 little embryos waiting.  We are jumping right into a frozen round of IVF with one of our little treasures.  They ARE our children and I just can’t stand the thought of leaving them there.  I know you are thinking, “Wow, are you ready for all that?”  Or maybe you ‘re not. But to answer the question anyway, Brad and I felt like we were already so enveloped in the process that we thought, "Why stop now?"  Nothing really changed for us after we got the “Yes.”  We were still doing shots and carrying on…so why not just keep going?   The doctor said there is no medical reason to wait, but if I needed an emotional break than we should hold off.  I think if it doesn’t work this time, I will need an emotional break and my poor little body will need a break from all these hormones!

The frozen cycle is much easier and less involved than the process of retrieving all the eggs, etc.  I am so thankful for the 3 frozen embryos and thankful we didn’t have to make a decision about whether to go through another full round or not.  For now, anyway.  After losing the first one I started estrogen patches to help my body prepare for the embryo transfer.  Right now it is looking like March 7 for our transfer date.  From there we just do the progesterone shots.  Easy peasy in comparison to the last round.

I went through a period of just being numb.   I didn’t know what I thought and I found myself not wanting to talk about it.  And when I had those feelings, I was left wondering, “Who am I?”  I have never been at a loss for words when it comes to our story, but my heart was just plain numb.  That is the only way to describe it.  After the numbness I was able to process and let go of our first little treasure.  For some reason God did not want him or her to make it into our world.   I can only cling to the truth that I know about our God, it was for our good and I don’t want anything outside of that. “And we know for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.  

In His perfect goodness and timing, coming out of round one we were studying idols in Isaiah and how God feels about them.  Let’s just say He isn’t a big fan.  His word makes it VERY clear that idols are futile and foolish folly.  God speaking to idols: “Tell us what is to come hereafter, that we may know that you are gods; do good or do harm, that we may be dismayed or terrified. Behold, you are nothing, and your work is less than nothing; an abomination is he who chooses you…Behold they are ALL a delusion; their works are nothing; their metal images are empty wind.” Isaiah 23-29.   An idol is any devotion of the heart before Him.   Am I making a child, a family an idol before my maker, my Lord?  At the same time, at our Common Thread meeting this month, Kristi Russell shared her story of God leading her to the verse in 1 Samuel about Hannah (Read 1 Samuel 1 for more on Hannah's story of infertility) where her husband asks her, “Hannah, why do you weep?  And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?  Am I not more to you than ten sons?”  That really struck a chord with me.  She shared with us that the Lord used that verse to rescue her marriage.   By no means have I been perfect in this area, but I knew from day one that I did not want the desire for children to steal our marriage.  This verse is a significant reminder of that.  For me, I thought, “Maybe, God is saying that to me.  Am I not more important to you than ten toes and ten fingers?”  I had begun to believe that my world would never be complete without being given the opportunity to love one of His children.  But I think this verse is a huge reminder that God is to complete my world.  I was created to tell people about Him and who He is, a child would just be the cherry on top.  Have I also been saying to Brad, without speaking a word, “You are not enough for me?”  That makes my heart fall to pieces.  I would never want him to think that, but have I unintentionally made him feel that way?  Think how much more the Lord must desire for me to see Him as number one, as the completer of my world. ‘You shall have no other God before me.' Exodus 20:3.  I think the Lord has been sending out warning shots for me over the last few weeks as I mourned what didn’t come to be. “I know the desires of your heart, but DO NOT put them before me.”  I hear ya, loud and clear!  Maybe I should flag this post because I have a feeling I might need a few reminders along the way.

That same night, at the Common Thread meeting, God used the beautiful stories He had written in the other women’s lives to peel back my little fingers (and I have come to learn through those around me that they are little. ;) )  one by one and loosen my grip on the dreams I have for my family.  None of these women would have drawn the same family portrait 20 years ago that they have now, but they wouldn’t trade the vibrant portrait that God painted of their family for anything in the world.  I heard the beautiful stories and I am beginning to realize that the story I have written will NEVER compare to the one He has for us.  “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  Ecc. 3:11.  While I was walking LT today, I just prayed that God would allow me to fully release MY story and to let Him write HIS story.   I imagine He has a pretty good one up His sleeve somewhere.  I'm reaching pretty far up that sleeve.  I know its gotta be up there somewhere. :)

Every time I post, Brad says, “Dang, this is so long!”  Wait until he gets a load of this one. Haha.  Maybe if I posted more frequently they wouldn’t be so long.  I will see what I can do about that.  Thanks for sticking with me and trudging through the musings of my heart over the last few weeks.