Not yet...

We got a confirmed “No” on the blood work yesterday. I knew that was the answer, but there was still that slight flicker of hope left in me.  I had mostly mourned it all on Thursday, but still had to move through the final “no” yesterday.  

Part of me wonders why we got the “yes” and then a “no.”  What a tease!  But there is another huge part of me that is thankful we were able to get pregnant and thankful for the opportunity to celebrate.  We may never have another moment like that.

I am sort of numb at the moment.  I think I have gotten really good at turning myself off emotionally when I need to.  I know that is not healthy, but sometimes I think that is the only way I can cope.  I think I will have to continue to do that in order to survive this process.  I wouldn’t say I have had peace with the situation over the last few days, but I haven’t been as upset as I thought I would be either.  I can only assume that it must be all the prayers that are keeping me from crossing over to the dark side and helping me to keep my eyes on Him.  There are moments when I can feel satan tugging me his way, wanting me to let this get the best of me, but then I can feel God pulling me in the other direction at the same time, reminding me of His goodness and sovereignty. It is no mistake that the Lord has had me studying Isaiah in this season so that I could learn of his promises, their fulfillment, and His control in all things since the beginning of time.  

I was encouraged by this tonight. Isaiah 42:16:

“And  I will lead the blind

in a way that they do not know,

in paths that they have not known

I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light,

The rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,

And I DO NOT FORSAKE them.”

Right now I do feel as though I am blind stumbling down a very unknown path. We are having to rely not on what we can see, but in the things unseen.  I am trusting in His promise to guide us and to smooth out the ground before us.  He will not forsake us.  I feel like I am walking with my eyes closed and hoping that he will turn our darkness into light.

Thank you for the ways you have encouraged us over the last few days.  God has definitely used all of you to remind us that we are loved.  We know we have been covered in prayer and can feel your prayers surrounding us. 

For His glory, not mine.