Hamster Wheel

Well I am back from my unannounced blog sabbatical.   I took a break for some personal reasons, but have felt the Lord encouraging me to get back on here the last few months. I want to make sure I keep a record of all the little things God is doing so I don't lose sight of Him being at work in our lives. And I also want to someday be able to share this journey with our children so they will know just how badly we wanted them. So here I am.  I'll try and give you a quick past 10 months as best as I can.  I'll spare you too many boring details, which might be easy considering I have blocked a lot of it out.

After our summer break, we were refreshed and ready to attempt another embryo transfer. We completed the first half of the medications for a frozen cycle and had a transfer scheduled for September 12, 2011.  Much to our great disappointment the transfer was unsuccessful because something had grown in my cervix.   Our doctor could not get into my uterus to transfer the embryo.  They scheduled me for an MRI and discovered I had some scar tissue that had moved in and grown in my cervix (we believe from previous procedures and added hormone drugs).  I was then scheduled for a Hysto-something-something-scope to remove the scar tissue.  On September 29, 2011, I had successful surgery and they were able to remove the scar tissue.  We started the meds to do a frozen transfer in October, but due to the anesthesia from surgery, my body did not cooperate.  We were later able to have a successful embryo transfer in December.  I was sure I was pregnant this time.  I was nauseated and so excited for every bit of nausea. I wanted sooo badly to be greener than green! However, two days after Christmas we learned that the embryo did not take.  We were once again devastated.

I was so thankful for God’s grace in allowing my family to be here during that time.  My cousins made me laugh tons, like they always do. It was comforting to have my parents here and to top it off I had one of the best weeks ever with my brother.  The timing of their trip made me feel the Lord’s presence.  It was no for now, but He cared enough to send the people I love to get us through the hardest part.  

The beginning of this month we started another “fresh” IVF cycle where I was stimulated to grow more eggs so that we could give one last go at another batch of embryos.  I was given less medicine this time and the Lord graciously provided 11 embryos.  We had one embryo put in on April 16th.  The doctor barely got him in because the scar tissue made a reappearance.  The transfer almost did not happen, but he was very patient and tried several times until he did get in. Everyone in the room said a great big, "Alleluia!"

Meet "Speck" as my mom called him. The little plus sign is right next to our lil' embryo.

It is so hard not to get attached to each and every embryo.  A life, that is a piece of both of us, put inside of me...how can I not hope that we will get to meet that little babe on this side of heaven?  So when we don’t get that chance, it hurts. It hurts deeply.   I had big hopes that we would get to meet this one. I wondered what he or she would look like. I dreamt about what his or her personality would be like. I have to believe each time that the Lord could bring our baby to full term or what would be the point of doing this in the first place?  If I don’t believe He could, what would be the point in pursuing IVF?  But each time, even though we want what the Lord wants and would never want something outside of His will, the disappointment still cuts deep.

We found out on April 26th that the embryo did not take.  Again my hopes were dashed.

I am overwhelmed with grief.

We have heard time and time again, “Oh well, at least you can keep trying your other embryos.”  While it can be encouraging, there is so much that goes into trying each embryo physically, let alone emotionally. I wanted to document what we are left with at the end of each round. (Picture above, I could not get it to shift down) We are left with a whole lot of empty medicine bottles, syringes, and injection welts. I am not sharing this photo for an ounce of pity, but to help people understand why each attempt is so daunting, scary, physically challenging, and emotionally exhausting. Each prick takes a huge toll on my body.  My general practice doctor says I take in enough hormones to get one woman through 5 years of menopause.  So needless to say, yes we are thankful that we do have the opportunity that we have, however, it is extremely physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding. Each attempt is not taken lightly and we have to pray our way through making sure it is the Lord’s timing … and that I am emotionally and physically ready to give it another go. Right now I am not sure when that will be. I feel like an empty, worn out rag doll and am need of some major restoration before that is an option. What I wouldn't give just be intimate with my husband and find myself pregnant. I know I would too if I had not walked this road, but so many take this for granted.  

I also want my future children to see just how much they were desired.  Even if we do not have biological children, each syringe is one step closer to the family God has already picked out for us. :)

Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other and having to work hard at fighting off satan’s lies.  This is the verse I am choosing to focus on right now:

Romans 8:28
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

We have all heard it a million times, but I can't let this scripture be watered down.  It's all we have to cling to for hope.  All of this is for our good...whether it appears that way now or not, it is.  And it is for His purpose, not ours.   I am exhausted from the hamster wheel of hope and grief.  Hope then more grief.  I know that God will be faithful to restore my joy and to help me see that He is at work.  I will continue to hope in Him and am thankful that while my circumstances are changing, He never will.   “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31.

Here is what I am praying for myself and lots of others in my life:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10  Praying that He would restore and strengthen this little heart of mine.