Didn't Pack the Tissues

I have been meaning to get on here and write since Father's Day, but I just haven't had the chance. I wanted to share something that totally caught me off guard (specifically, for my fellow infertile friends). Last Sunday, which as you know was Father's Day, I had an unexpected cry fest at church. We all know that I was so geared up to cry on Mother's Day that we didn't go to church at all. But honestly it didn't even cross my mind once that this day might be hard for me.

We sit down and they open the service after a few worship songs, then they proceed to have a gentleman from our church perform a song he had written about children growing up. And before I knew it, my face was flush and the tears were rolling on out. I was trying to find a way to hide behind Brad's shoulder, but it wasn't quite working out. The lyrics went something like this, "I look at all your childhood pictures and wonder where the time has gone." "You are all grown now and getting married..." Etc. you can fill in the words for the rest of the song. I lost it! We aren't watching anyone grow up. He sang about watching your child walk away the first day of kindergarten. I was sobbing because I want to be watching a child walk away to his or her first day of school. I thought everyone was assuming I had recently lost my dad or something, because I was that pitiful looking. Brad leaned over after the song was over and said, "Geesh, I thought Father's Day was going to be easy!" Well me too, darn it! I didn't pack any tissues.

The song reminded me of the quote someone recently shared through Common Thread from Laura Bush.  "The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" The song was hard not because I am experiencing the things he sang about, but because I was mourning their absence.

I think I was also sad for Brad. Although, I don't think he needed me to be sad for him, because I don't think he was sad. I know he will make an incredible father and I just hope he has the opportunity to experience the words of that song one day.  Sometimes I do feel ridiculous being so sad about something that doesn't even exist, but I guess that is exactly why I am sad...because I want that story for our lives. I want to experience all the words of that song. I want to shed tears when they leave for school and go off and get married.  But for now, I'll keep shedding tears over the empty rooms waiting to be filled with little feet to leave us with.  Thank you Laura Bush for putting it into words for me.

We had a lovely afternoon over lunch celebrating Brad's dad. I did get to talk to my dad on the phone, but I wish I could have been there with him to celebrate him too. It is tough living so far from family.  We were blessed with wonderful fathers and are very thankful for them.  Seriously, we are so blessed!

I have a new distraction these days.  I started a small tutoring business, Thrive Tutoring.  My subject focuses are math, science, and writing for various grade levels.  I LOVE it!  It has been a real joy to watch my first student "get" pre-algebra and actually like it, I think.   I am loving getting to know him and beginning to understand the way that he learns.  Brad says I secretly enjoy doing the math problems just for fun...and well, he's right.  I am a nerd.    I am looking for more clients.  If you know a student in need of a tutor, send me an email or leave a comment.  I would greatly appreciate it.  

The Lord totally dropped this tutoring thing in my lap and I am so grateful.  I guess He knew just how much I would love it...and that it was just what I needed. 

I hope you all are having a fantastic summer.  Overall Brad and I are doing great.  We have a busy summer ahead filled with weddings, the lake, and weekend trips.  

Love to you all!

Side note to CFC people:  I know the man who sang that song Sunday said a good-bye and praise the Lord, a welcome home that I hope to never experience.  I am sensitive to that. I know that having a child at war is something I would never understand unless I went through it.  Lord willing, I hope to never have to shed those tears.  But who knows what may come.  Knowing part of his story,  I just didn't want anyone to be offended that I longed to shed the tears of watching your children grow up over not having them at all.  I know that song means more to him than it could ever mean to any of us.