Suffering

A friend shared the book, The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules, and I have absolutely loved every second of it.  I have read it very slowly because there is so much to soak up on each page.  I wanted to share a little excerpt that has been encouraging to me.  I tried posting a PDF of it, because I didn't feel like typing the whole thing out, ahh but no luck.

"God harnesses the sufferings of his children and compels the bad things that happen to us to serve his good purposes for us and for our mission in this world. This doesn't fit with how we normally look at things, but author Eugene Peterson confirms that once again we've gotten things backwards, for this is how God has always worked with his own:

          We live in a time when everyone's goal is to be perpetually healthy and constantly happy...
          If any one of us fails to live up to the standards that are advertised as normative, we are labeled as
          a problem to be solved, and a host of well-intentioned people rush to try out various cures on
          us...The gospel offers a different view of suffering: in suffering we enter the depths; we are at
          the heart of things; we are near to where Christ was on the cross.

        I have to ask myself how I can possibly expect to know Jesus as he would want to be known if my life remains unscathed by trouble and grief.  How can I hope to grasp anything of God's heart for this broken planet never weep because its brokenness touches me and breaks my heart?  How can I reflect his image if I never share in his sufferings?  And how will any of us ever learn to treasure his hesed and grace if we never experience phases where these blessings seem absent? I wish I could learn these lessons vicariously, but I'm afraid that isn't the norm for any of us.  Without knowing suffering and confusion firsthand, we're suck in the superficial and we cannot, much less express, the heart of Christ for others.
        Does Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) see all of this?  I don't think so.  In the midst of the struggle (of losing her husband and two sons), she is no different than us.  She only feels the pain of loss and the misery of believing God has turned his back her.   But she will learn things about God in this dark place that she never would have noticed in the light.  And through this painfully honest journey, God is building a history with his daughter that will fortify her confidence in him and maker her wise for the task ahead.  Rick Warren could have been thinking of Naomi when he wrote that, 'your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.'"

      I love this statement from Carolyn Custis James too.  It is so true, when things are all good and gravy, God's daily gifts often skirt by unnoticed. "Prosperity tends to dull our senses to the presence of God's hesed (grace) in our lives.  But, when trouble strikes and you're sitting in the darkness with a heart that aches for him, the slightest sign of his presence is monumental."  Thanking Him daily for His minute by minute presence and comfort as I go throughout my day!


   

I'm Sorry It's Not Good News

“I’m sorry, it’s not good news.”  Those are the words we have heard on the last four pregnancy result days.  Brad took the call this time, so at least I can only replay the old fateful calls in my head.  This time, Brad softened the blow for me. I only had to see the weight of disappointment as the lines in his face fell to know the answer, before I made my way down the hallway to our bedroom where I have spent far too many days crying out to God asking, “Why? How much longer will I have to endure this heartache?”
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long?  Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions.  “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord.  He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)

It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance.  “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2.  Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you,  for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.

Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock.  It still didn’t seem real.  I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots.  But my womb was still empty.  I just dropped my head in my hands and wept.  These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it.  I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer.  I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again.  This can’t be happening again.  “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke.   I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me.  My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all.  It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.  
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day.  Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone.  How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying.  The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming.  I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again.   And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that.  For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up.  My heart physically hurt.   I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.”  Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again.  Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life.  Back to tutoring.  Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon.  Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.  
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!”  Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever.  My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth.  I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17.  He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it.  I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it.  “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.”  Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life.  Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort.  He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story.  He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth.  He is righteous in all His ways.  I have to keep repeating that to myself.  
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.   

Transfer Successful

I wanted to take a quick moment to note and praise God for our last transfer.   Going into the procedure, my body and my heart were calm.  Fearful of reentering this part of our life, yes, where I have great potential to grieve a loss, but calm.  I was perfectly content not having any emotional turmoil in my life.  Brad and I were in a really good place...and happy leaving the dust settled. :)  I think the calm spirit was three fold.   For one,  I think I have grown quite accustomed to the sterile, white walls, the big over head lights, the hospital bed that tilts to a 45 degree angle, the robe that I tie in a million knots for my last attempt to maintain any modesty, and my lovely hair cap.  I was so excited about the new eggplant purple blankets they have in the transfer room.  They are such a beautiful contrast to the white walls.  When I pointed out the new blankets to my nurse she just looked at me and said, " Okay, I think you are here a little too much."  You are telling me.    Secondly,  I think God has done such a work in my heart and has loosened my grip on my desire to have a family.  I can expound on that in a later post.  And lastly,  there were lots of people praying for me...I know it and I felt it.


You may know already know this, I certainly didn't before a few yers ago, but the uterus hangs out behind the bladder.   Along, with my other unusual organ structures, I have been blessed with an extra large bladder.  I thought growing up that I was just highly trained by my military father to not stop for bathroom breaks on road trips.  Little did I know I just had extra storage. Haha.  When transferring an embryo, they have you drink 16-20 ounces of water to make the uterus lie down horizontally.  I had to drink 68 ounces before my bladder was full enough to force my uterus to level out.  My doctor was able to easily and quickly transfer one precious little embryo.    I couldn't believe it.  The dilatation surgery helped significanlty, okay and maybe the valium did too.   I am still in awe of how smoothly the the whole procedure went for me.  As, you all know, that is not my usual experience with transfers.  After it was all said and done, I held 68 ounces of water for 2.5 hours.  Like a champ. Let's just say I was glad to get up this time, instead of wanting to lie down for as long as possible, thinking,  "The longer I am horizontal the more likely the embryo is to stick."  I was ready!

Prepping my shot and drinking my first 20 ounces.  Multitasking at its best!

I am just so thankful for the Lord's presence that day and  in recent days.  We lost one embryo during the thaw. Heaven has one more angel.  I can't wait to meet and hold him or her someday in heaven.  

We sang this in church today and my eyes welled up with tears. "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes.'


 Matt Redman
"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"


[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name


The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes


[Chorus]


You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

Third Time is a Charm

My surgery went well today. I am so thankful for the doctor God has given me. I have the ultimate healer on my side and an earthly doctor that is very good at what he does. I was so nervous to be put asleep again... I have lost count of how many times I have had to do that over the last few years. It can't be healthy! Ha. Putting the IV in seemed to be the hardest part... Either my veins weren't cooperating or the nurse was having an off day. Other than that, everything went great. I'm dilated and should be for several months. And praise the Lord, no scar tissue. Maybe one day this will lead to being dilated because I'm actually having a baby. Haha. Thanks for the prayers, texts, calls and treats. We are loved so well.

As Sure as Salvation

I believe and trust that God will save me and am confident in my entrance into eternity.  I believe in the promises made regarding my salvation.  That is a HUGE thing to trust and to believe in.  There is so much faith involved in what we believe God will do when He takes us from this earth.  I believe the following without a shadow of a doubt because I believe God’s word is true and has been fulfilled time and time again.  What makes me so quick to distrust the other promises He makes to me (to all of us) in His word?  If I can trust Him with the biggest part of life, where I will spend eternity, why can’t I fully, daily trust Him with the details of my daily life here on earth?

This is what I believe to be true:
1) We were created to be in relationship with God. Man’s sin broke that.  Eve ate the dang apple and sin entered.

2)Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life.
Sinful:
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). ALL have sinned. Not some, all.
Separated:
"The wages of sin is death" [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
 
God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf separates the two. Man is continually trying to reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.

3) Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for man's sin. Only through Him can we know and experience God's love and plans for us.

He Died in Our Place"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).   "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).
He Rose From the Dead
"Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures...He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).

He Is the Only Way to God
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me'" (John 14:6).

God has bridged the gulf which separates us from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins.

4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives.

“…Because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved’” Romans 10:9-13.

We Must Receive Christ
"As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name" (John 1:12)

We Receive Christ Through Faith
"By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9).  How many good things would ever make me good enough?  My good works would never be enough.  It has to be by faith.

When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8)

We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him" (Revelation 3:20).

Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
-----

I believe it intellectually, yes, because of historical facts, fulfilled prophecy, and proven truth, but more over in my heart I believe it because I have experienced God’s faithfulness in a personal way.  I have experienced “perfect peace,” after fully trusting Him with the circumstances He has placed before me (Isaiah 26:3).   I have experienced His healing power when I thought my heart couldn’t possibly be put back together again.  “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth, you will bring me up again” Psalm 71:20.  I have experienced God’s strength when I had nothing left in me.  “Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel--he is the one who gives POWER and STRENGTH to his people.  Blessed be God” Psalm 68:35.  I experienced His answers to prayer.  And yet, even though time and time again He has displayed His faithfulness to me, I still struggle to fully trust.  One day I can trust with my heart fully abandoned to His will and then the next day satan can slip his little hands in and steal that perfect trust from me.

I can see with each trial and each phase of our journey how my trust “roots” begin to run deeper and hold on tighter to the faithfulness God has established with me.  Our faith is being refined.  Maybe someday, satan won’t stand a chance against my faith.  Maybe, just maybe. “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith ---more precious than gold that perishes though it is test by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:6-7.
My sweet friend Melissa always reminds me, “Where there is fear and distrust, your faith is lacking.”  The genuineness of my faith is being tested and refined...and I can only hope that it will result in God being glorified.

“Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we CHOOSE to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us” You Can Trust God, Jerry Bridges. Part of starting blog is tracking His faithfulness in the details.  That is one way I can actively remember how God has been faithful.  I have to actively be in the word so that I know what His promises are and furthermore, be aware of the ones He has already fulfilled.  When I sit back and “trust” without taking action on my part to establish my trust, the storms hit harder.

I loved this quote from a good friend of ours:

“Reminded once again today that if God were to give us the desires of our hearts, before he changes our hearts, it would ruin us. Thankful for what He gives, what He withholds, and what He takes away. It's this trust that can give me joy in the midst of the storm. He loves me, and He is good, and that is enough”- Dylan Grace.

The long time quoted verse, especially in the infertility world is, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.  It took me a long time to learn that the, …”desires of my heart,” doesn’t mean getting what I want. Dylan was spot on when he said that God must first change our hearts...to be aligned with HIS.  I previously missed the verses that precede and follow the one I mentioned above.  The surrounding verses say, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness,” and “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will do this.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his own way, over the man who carries out evil devices” Psalm 37:3-5, 7.  After I trust in the Lord, befriend faithfulness, delight myself in Him, commit my ways to Him, be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him I think my “desires” might look a little different.  What do you think?  I’d say maybe this what active trust looks like. :)

As I continue to, “ Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...” I will praise Him for all the good things He is doing in our lives.  Going on four years of waiting is hard.  Focusing on the things He is doing helps me wait patiently...

-Thank you for the compassion you have poured in my heart for those who are also experiencing varying types pain and loss.  

-Thank you, Lord, for showing me there is more to life than the white picket fence and the All-American family. So much more.

-Thank you for showing me that the world doesn’t revolve around me and the happenings in my life.

-Praise you for continuing to put me in hard situations to sift out the yuck and sin in my own heart.

-Thank you for giving me opportunities to love others above myself.

-Thank you for the friendships you have placed in my life to encourage, love, and challenge me.

-I am so grateful for the group of women that I wouldn’t be blessed to know unless I had walked this road, the Common Thread ladies.  I have so many role models and big hearts in front of me.  Thank you for showing that you care and affirming your love for me by sending these women.

-I can’t say enough about the good you are doing in our marriage.

-And thank you, Lord, for the amazing things you are doing in Brad.  I can’t tell you how much fun it is to watch you mold and shape him into a strong leader.  I love him so much more today, than yesterday. Thank you for your faithfulness in that.

A Few of My Favorite Things About Summer...

Yesterday I got to experience some of my favorite things... and all of them are the sweet taste of the beginning of summer.  I turned my Pandora station to Jason Aldean, right after I wrapped up a tutoring session and got to work on cutting one of the sweetest, most yummy watermelons yet.  AND I only paid $2.75 for it, so that's a bonus (a treasure from my new favorite produce "stand").  Yum!

                         #1 Now, can't you just taste summer when you look at this watermelon?

#2 Fresh cut hydrangeas from the back yard. They pretty much make my heart smile. 

#3 Home grown heirloom maters. Divine!

#4 Homemade guac using things grown in the back yard. If you plant a jalepeno

plant, you are forced to make guac at least 2 times a week.  I highly recommend it.

#5 Catching Blue Claw Crabs off the dock.

#6 Having friends to catch and eat the crabs with at 10 pm. :)

I do realize that four of the six items are food...I swear they are all linked back to an actual hobby of mine or Brad's. :)  Watermelon...finding fun, local places to shop.  Hydrangeas...plants and yard stuff. Maters...gardening. Guac...more gardening. Crabs...fishing.  Friends...well they are also a hobby of mine. I like people, just a little. :)

Just a fun, light-hearted post.  Maybe some deep thinking will occur as I am stuffing my face with all this summer yumminess.  Now if only my basil and parsley would kick it into gear so I can make pesto and tabouleh!

Hamster Wheel

Well I am back from my unannounced blog sabbatical.   I took a break for some personal reasons, but have felt the Lord encouraging me to get back on here the last few months. I want to make sure I keep a record of all the little things God is doing so I don't lose sight of Him being at work in our lives. And I also want to someday be able to share this journey with our children so they will know just how badly we wanted them. So here I am.  I'll try and give you a quick past 10 months as best as I can.  I'll spare you too many boring details, which might be easy considering I have blocked a lot of it out.

After our summer break, we were refreshed and ready to attempt another embryo transfer. We completed the first half of the medications for a frozen cycle and had a transfer scheduled for September 12, 2011.  Much to our great disappointment the transfer was unsuccessful because something had grown in my cervix.   Our doctor could not get into my uterus to transfer the embryo.  They scheduled me for an MRI and discovered I had some scar tissue that had moved in and grown in my cervix (we believe from previous procedures and added hormone drugs).  I was then scheduled for a Hysto-something-something-scope to remove the scar tissue.  On September 29, 2011, I had successful surgery and they were able to remove the scar tissue.  We started the meds to do a frozen transfer in October, but due to the anesthesia from surgery, my body did not cooperate.  We were later able to have a successful embryo transfer in December.  I was sure I was pregnant this time.  I was nauseated and so excited for every bit of nausea. I wanted sooo badly to be greener than green! However, two days after Christmas we learned that the embryo did not take.  We were once again devastated.

I was so thankful for God’s grace in allowing my family to be here during that time.  My cousins made me laugh tons, like they always do. It was comforting to have my parents here and to top it off I had one of the best weeks ever with my brother.  The timing of their trip made me feel the Lord’s presence.  It was no for now, but He cared enough to send the people I love to get us through the hardest part.  

The beginning of this month we started another “fresh” IVF cycle where I was stimulated to grow more eggs so that we could give one last go at another batch of embryos.  I was given less medicine this time and the Lord graciously provided 11 embryos.  We had one embryo put in on April 16th.  The doctor barely got him in because the scar tissue made a reappearance.  The transfer almost did not happen, but he was very patient and tried several times until he did get in. Everyone in the room said a great big, "Alleluia!"

Meet "Speck" as my mom called him. The little plus sign is right next to our lil' embryo.

It is so hard not to get attached to each and every embryo.  A life, that is a piece of both of us, put inside of me...how can I not hope that we will get to meet that little babe on this side of heaven?  So when we don’t get that chance, it hurts. It hurts deeply.   I had big hopes that we would get to meet this one. I wondered what he or she would look like. I dreamt about what his or her personality would be like. I have to believe each time that the Lord could bring our baby to full term or what would be the point of doing this in the first place?  If I don’t believe He could, what would be the point in pursuing IVF?  But each time, even though we want what the Lord wants and would never want something outside of His will, the disappointment still cuts deep.

We found out on April 26th that the embryo did not take.  Again my hopes were dashed.

I am overwhelmed with grief.

We have heard time and time again, “Oh well, at least you can keep trying your other embryos.”  While it can be encouraging, there is so much that goes into trying each embryo physically, let alone emotionally. I wanted to document what we are left with at the end of each round. (Picture above, I could not get it to shift down) We are left with a whole lot of empty medicine bottles, syringes, and injection welts. I am not sharing this photo for an ounce of pity, but to help people understand why each attempt is so daunting, scary, physically challenging, and emotionally exhausting. Each prick takes a huge toll on my body.  My general practice doctor says I take in enough hormones to get one woman through 5 years of menopause.  So needless to say, yes we are thankful that we do have the opportunity that we have, however, it is extremely physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding. Each attempt is not taken lightly and we have to pray our way through making sure it is the Lord’s timing … and that I am emotionally and physically ready to give it another go. Right now I am not sure when that will be. I feel like an empty, worn out rag doll and am need of some major restoration before that is an option. What I wouldn't give just be intimate with my husband and find myself pregnant. I know I would too if I had not walked this road, but so many take this for granted.  

I also want my future children to see just how much they were desired.  Even if we do not have biological children, each syringe is one step closer to the family God has already picked out for us. :)

Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other and having to work hard at fighting off satan’s lies.  This is the verse I am choosing to focus on right now:

Romans 8:28
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

We have all heard it a million times, but I can't let this scripture be watered down.  It's all we have to cling to for hope.  All of this is for our good...whether it appears that way now or not, it is.  And it is for His purpose, not ours.   I am exhausted from the hamster wheel of hope and grief.  Hope then more grief.  I know that God will be faithful to restore my joy and to help me see that He is at work.  I will continue to hope in Him and am thankful that while my circumstances are changing, He never will.   “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31.

Here is what I am praying for myself and lots of others in my life:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10  Praying that He would restore and strengthen this little heart of mine.