“I’m sorry, it’s not good news.” Those are the words we have heard on the last four pregnancy result days. Brad took the call this time, so at least I can only replay the old fateful calls in my head. This time, Brad softened the blow for me. I only had to see the weight of disappointment as the lines in his face fell to know the answer, before I made my way down the hallway to our bedroom where I have spent far too many days crying out to God asking, “Why? How much longer will I have to endure this heartache?”
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
I am learning it’s okay to ask why and how long? Scripture, especially the Psalms are full of these two questions. “Asking how long can be done without accusing God of being late, “ Michele McKee, Waiting Well on the Lord. He knows the intentions of our hearts (Psalm 139).
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
(Psalm 13 ESV)
It is appropriate to cry out to God for deliverance. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold,” Psalm 18:2. Three times Paul asks God to remove the thorn from his flesh in 2 Corinthians 12, but God does not rebuke him for asking for deliverance, He simply replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakeness,” 2 Corin. 12:9.
Later that night, eyes swollen beyond recognition, I stood in the mirror before getting in the shower. I stood there in shock. It still didn’t seem real. I had estrogen sticker remnants all over my stomach and welted hips on both sides, with knots and needle marks from all of the progesterone shots. But my womb was still empty. I just dropped my head in my hands and wept. These drugs are so hard on my body and I still have nothing to show for it. I know God has done great things in my heart, but my poor body has been through the ringer. I just stood there and asked, “Why?” over and over again. This can’t be happening again. “How many times can I do this?” My body’s response to the hormone drugs seems like such a cruel joke. I have all the symptoms of someone who “may” be pregnant and to top it off I KNOW that a baby was put inside of me. My poor heart and mind swing on a continuous pendulum of hope and then reality that the symptoms are probably just drug related and not baby related at all. It seems so cruel that my body begins to take on its role, my heart wants to, and in the end there is no role for either to fulfill.
I teeter through the long waiting days after the transfer between imagining that I have an embryo developing inside of me and the hope of getting to meet him or her in person one day. Then I have to realize that the baby could already be gone. How can I sign up for more of this mental and physical torture?
The amount of hormone drugs involved is terrifying. The, “What do we do now? is quite overwhelming. I can’t even imagine putting myself through this again. And when I think of adoption, I am swallowed up with excitement, but also very, very overwhelmed about the whens and wheres, etc. of all of that. For two straight days my heart would literally squeeze tears out of my eyes, I couldn’t stop them from bubbling up. My heart physically hurt. I loved and was encouraged by something my friend Kacy said in response to a friend losing her husband (which I don’t take lightly and am not comparing to my situation at all), “Today, my mom, my boys, and David (lost husband) are gazing upon the face of their sweet Savior, singing praises, and dumping out the jars of tears that they will never again have to wear on their cheeks.” Yes one day, I will get to dump out all of the tears the Lord has been catching and never wear them on my face again. Amen. I am ready for that day, as are many of us.
It seems so strange to return back to normal life. Back to tutoring. Pulling weeds. Meeting with high schoolers. Cooking dinner for Brad and I, quickly shelving the dream for this month that 10 sticky, tomato encased fingers will be joining us for spaghetti dinner someday soon. Returning, but well aware that there is something missing that was there for a short time. And somehow God always provides the grace to move back into the groove and return to normal life.
He daily restores me with little nuggets of His hope through the Holy Spirit, His word, family, friends, worship, prayer, and my husband. My sweet friend Lil wrote to me, “Jesus welcomes your little tiny embryos into His arms--He knows each of them and their names-- you will know them one day and for ALL of ETERNITY, they will be your sons & daughters-- FOREVER AND EVER!” Man, do I long for my true home when I get to hold each of them in my arms AND hold them forever. My heart is encouraged deeply by her words and this truth. I cried different tears this time, tears of hope. God keeps reminding me of Psalm 145 :17. He gave me this verse in the beginning of this cycle and I have clung to it. I have always heard and studied that His plans are good for me, but have never read about His works being kind, or I just didn't take note of it. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” Kind has a different feeling to it and helps me to see His works differently as they play out in my life. Whatever happens, I have always known it was for my good, but to know it is His kindness too encourages my heart and gives me great comfort. He is being kind in allowing or not allowing. Someday I will understand when I reach heaven’s gates and see His kindness and goodness weaved throughout our story. He was being kind in not allowing this child to be ours to hold here on earth. He is righteous in all His ways. I have to keep repeating that to myself.
I can see His kindness all around us and am trusting that the future of our family will have the fingerprints of His loving kindness all over it.
3 comments:
Thankful for your beautiful heart!
Sweet sweet friend! I'm crying with you. Asking why with you. Thanking our amazing Jesus, with you. He IS kind, and always worthy of our praise. I sure do love you my precious friend! With my whole heart! :)
you go through extreme medical measures to have children. maybe to humbly accept that babies aren't in the plan for you and move on to other things? the goal of life isn't babies, i'm not sure why this is such a big deal for some girls.
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