Third Time is a Charm

My surgery went well today. I am so thankful for the doctor God has given me. I have the ultimate healer on my side and an earthly doctor that is very good at what he does. I was so nervous to be put asleep again... I have lost count of how many times I have had to do that over the last few years. It can't be healthy! Ha. Putting the IV in seemed to be the hardest part... Either my veins weren't cooperating or the nurse was having an off day. Other than that, everything went great. I'm dilated and should be for several months. And praise the Lord, no scar tissue. Maybe one day this will lead to being dilated because I'm actually having a baby. Haha. Thanks for the prayers, texts, calls and treats. We are loved so well.

As Sure as Salvation

I believe and trust that God will save me and am confident in my entrance into eternity.  I believe in the promises made regarding my salvation.  That is a HUGE thing to trust and to believe in.  There is so much faith involved in what we believe God will do when He takes us from this earth.  I believe the following without a shadow of a doubt because I believe God’s word is true and has been fulfilled time and time again.  What makes me so quick to distrust the other promises He makes to me (to all of us) in His word?  If I can trust Him with the biggest part of life, where I will spend eternity, why can’t I fully, daily trust Him with the details of my daily life here on earth?

This is what I believe to be true:
1) We were created to be in relationship with God. Man’s sin broke that.  Eve ate the dang apple and sin entered.

2)Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life.
Sinful:
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). ALL have sinned. Not some, all.
Separated:
"The wages of sin is death" [spiritual separation from God] (Romans 6:23).
 
God is holy and man is sinful. A great gulf separates the two. Man is continually trying to reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good life, philosophy, or religion - but he inevitably fails.

3) Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for man's sin. Only through Him can we know and experience God's love and plans for us.

He Died in Our Place"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).   "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).
He Rose From the Dead
"Christ died for our sins...He was buried...He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures...He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).

He Is the Only Way to God
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me'" (John 14:6).

God has bridged the gulf which separates us from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins.

4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God's love and plan for our lives.

“…Because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved’” Romans 10:9-13.

We Must Receive Christ
"As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name" (John 1:12)

We Receive Christ Through Faith
"By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9).  How many good things would ever make me good enough?  My good works would never be enough.  It has to be by faith.

When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
(Read John 3:1-8)

We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
[Christ speaking] "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him" (Revelation 3:20).

Receiving Christ involves turning to God from self (repentance) and trusting Christ to come into our lives to forgive our sins and to make us what He wants us to be. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. We receive Jesus Christ by faith, as an act of the will.
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I believe it intellectually, yes, because of historical facts, fulfilled prophecy, and proven truth, but more over in my heart I believe it because I have experienced God’s faithfulness in a personal way.  I have experienced “perfect peace,” after fully trusting Him with the circumstances He has placed before me (Isaiah 26:3).   I have experienced His healing power when I thought my heart couldn’t possibly be put back together again.  “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth, you will bring me up again” Psalm 71:20.  I have experienced God’s strength when I had nothing left in me.  “Awesome is God from his sanctuary; the God of Israel--he is the one who gives POWER and STRENGTH to his people.  Blessed be God” Psalm 68:35.  I experienced His answers to prayer.  And yet, even though time and time again He has displayed His faithfulness to me, I still struggle to fully trust.  One day I can trust with my heart fully abandoned to His will and then the next day satan can slip his little hands in and steal that perfect trust from me.

I can see with each trial and each phase of our journey how my trust “roots” begin to run deeper and hold on tighter to the faithfulness God has established with me.  Our faith is being refined.  Maybe someday, satan won’t stand a chance against my faith.  Maybe, just maybe. “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith ---more precious than gold that perishes though it is test by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:6-7.
My sweet friend Melissa always reminds me, “Where there is fear and distrust, your faith is lacking.”  The genuineness of my faith is being tested and refined...and I can only hope that it will result in God being glorified.

“Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we CHOOSE to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us” You Can Trust God, Jerry Bridges. Part of starting blog is tracking His faithfulness in the details.  That is one way I can actively remember how God has been faithful.  I have to actively be in the word so that I know what His promises are and furthermore, be aware of the ones He has already fulfilled.  When I sit back and “trust” without taking action on my part to establish my trust, the storms hit harder.

I loved this quote from a good friend of ours:

“Reminded once again today that if God were to give us the desires of our hearts, before he changes our hearts, it would ruin us. Thankful for what He gives, what He withholds, and what He takes away. It's this trust that can give me joy in the midst of the storm. He loves me, and He is good, and that is enough”- Dylan Grace.

The long time quoted verse, especially in the infertility world is, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.  It took me a long time to learn that the, …”desires of my heart,” doesn’t mean getting what I want. Dylan was spot on when he said that God must first change our hearts...to be aligned with HIS.  I previously missed the verses that precede and follow the one I mentioned above.  The surrounding verses say, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness,” and “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will do this.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his own way, over the man who carries out evil devices” Psalm 37:3-5, 7.  After I trust in the Lord, befriend faithfulness, delight myself in Him, commit my ways to Him, be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him I think my “desires” might look a little different.  What do you think?  I’d say maybe this what active trust looks like. :)

As I continue to, “ Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...” I will praise Him for all the good things He is doing in our lives.  Going on four years of waiting is hard.  Focusing on the things He is doing helps me wait patiently...

-Thank you for the compassion you have poured in my heart for those who are also experiencing varying types pain and loss.  

-Thank you, Lord, for showing me there is more to life than the white picket fence and the All-American family. So much more.

-Thank you for showing me that the world doesn’t revolve around me and the happenings in my life.

-Praise you for continuing to put me in hard situations to sift out the yuck and sin in my own heart.

-Thank you for giving me opportunities to love others above myself.

-Thank you for the friendships you have placed in my life to encourage, love, and challenge me.

-I am so grateful for the group of women that I wouldn’t be blessed to know unless I had walked this road, the Common Thread ladies.  I have so many role models and big hearts in front of me.  Thank you for showing that you care and affirming your love for me by sending these women.

-I can’t say enough about the good you are doing in our marriage.

-And thank you, Lord, for the amazing things you are doing in Brad.  I can’t tell you how much fun it is to watch you mold and shape him into a strong leader.  I love him so much more today, than yesterday. Thank you for your faithfulness in that.

A Few of My Favorite Things About Summer...

Yesterday I got to experience some of my favorite things... and all of them are the sweet taste of the beginning of summer.  I turned my Pandora station to Jason Aldean, right after I wrapped up a tutoring session and got to work on cutting one of the sweetest, most yummy watermelons yet.  AND I only paid $2.75 for it, so that's a bonus (a treasure from my new favorite produce "stand").  Yum!

                         #1 Now, can't you just taste summer when you look at this watermelon?

#2 Fresh cut hydrangeas from the back yard. They pretty much make my heart smile. 

#3 Home grown heirloom maters. Divine!

#4 Homemade guac using things grown in the back yard. If you plant a jalepeno

plant, you are forced to make guac at least 2 times a week.  I highly recommend it.

#5 Catching Blue Claw Crabs off the dock.

#6 Having friends to catch and eat the crabs with at 10 pm. :)

I do realize that four of the six items are food...I swear they are all linked back to an actual hobby of mine or Brad's. :)  Watermelon...finding fun, local places to shop.  Hydrangeas...plants and yard stuff. Maters...gardening. Guac...more gardening. Crabs...fishing.  Friends...well they are also a hobby of mine. I like people, just a little. :)

Just a fun, light-hearted post.  Maybe some deep thinking will occur as I am stuffing my face with all this summer yumminess.  Now if only my basil and parsley would kick it into gear so I can make pesto and tabouleh!

Hamster Wheel

Well I am back from my unannounced blog sabbatical.   I took a break for some personal reasons, but have felt the Lord encouraging me to get back on here the last few months. I want to make sure I keep a record of all the little things God is doing so I don't lose sight of Him being at work in our lives. And I also want to someday be able to share this journey with our children so they will know just how badly we wanted them. So here I am.  I'll try and give you a quick past 10 months as best as I can.  I'll spare you too many boring details, which might be easy considering I have blocked a lot of it out.

After our summer break, we were refreshed and ready to attempt another embryo transfer. We completed the first half of the medications for a frozen cycle and had a transfer scheduled for September 12, 2011.  Much to our great disappointment the transfer was unsuccessful because something had grown in my cervix.   Our doctor could not get into my uterus to transfer the embryo.  They scheduled me for an MRI and discovered I had some scar tissue that had moved in and grown in my cervix (we believe from previous procedures and added hormone drugs).  I was then scheduled for a Hysto-something-something-scope to remove the scar tissue.  On September 29, 2011, I had successful surgery and they were able to remove the scar tissue.  We started the meds to do a frozen transfer in October, but due to the anesthesia from surgery, my body did not cooperate.  We were later able to have a successful embryo transfer in December.  I was sure I was pregnant this time.  I was nauseated and so excited for every bit of nausea. I wanted sooo badly to be greener than green! However, two days after Christmas we learned that the embryo did not take.  We were once again devastated.

I was so thankful for God’s grace in allowing my family to be here during that time.  My cousins made me laugh tons, like they always do. It was comforting to have my parents here and to top it off I had one of the best weeks ever with my brother.  The timing of their trip made me feel the Lord’s presence.  It was no for now, but He cared enough to send the people I love to get us through the hardest part.  

The beginning of this month we started another “fresh” IVF cycle where I was stimulated to grow more eggs so that we could give one last go at another batch of embryos.  I was given less medicine this time and the Lord graciously provided 11 embryos.  We had one embryo put in on April 16th.  The doctor barely got him in because the scar tissue made a reappearance.  The transfer almost did not happen, but he was very patient and tried several times until he did get in. Everyone in the room said a great big, "Alleluia!"

Meet "Speck" as my mom called him. The little plus sign is right next to our lil' embryo.

It is so hard not to get attached to each and every embryo.  A life, that is a piece of both of us, put inside of me...how can I not hope that we will get to meet that little babe on this side of heaven?  So when we don’t get that chance, it hurts. It hurts deeply.   I had big hopes that we would get to meet this one. I wondered what he or she would look like. I dreamt about what his or her personality would be like. I have to believe each time that the Lord could bring our baby to full term or what would be the point of doing this in the first place?  If I don’t believe He could, what would be the point in pursuing IVF?  But each time, even though we want what the Lord wants and would never want something outside of His will, the disappointment still cuts deep.

We found out on April 26th that the embryo did not take.  Again my hopes were dashed.

I am overwhelmed with grief.

We have heard time and time again, “Oh well, at least you can keep trying your other embryos.”  While it can be encouraging, there is so much that goes into trying each embryo physically, let alone emotionally. I wanted to document what we are left with at the end of each round. (Picture above, I could not get it to shift down) We are left with a whole lot of empty medicine bottles, syringes, and injection welts. I am not sharing this photo for an ounce of pity, but to help people understand why each attempt is so daunting, scary, physically challenging, and emotionally exhausting. Each prick takes a huge toll on my body.  My general practice doctor says I take in enough hormones to get one woman through 5 years of menopause.  So needless to say, yes we are thankful that we do have the opportunity that we have, however, it is extremely physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding. Each attempt is not taken lightly and we have to pray our way through making sure it is the Lord’s timing … and that I am emotionally and physically ready to give it another go. Right now I am not sure when that will be. I feel like an empty, worn out rag doll and am need of some major restoration before that is an option. What I wouldn't give just be intimate with my husband and find myself pregnant. I know I would too if I had not walked this road, but so many take this for granted.  

I also want my future children to see just how much they were desired.  Even if we do not have biological children, each syringe is one step closer to the family God has already picked out for us. :)

Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other and having to work hard at fighting off satan’s lies.  This is the verse I am choosing to focus on right now:

Romans 8:28
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

We have all heard it a million times, but I can't let this scripture be watered down.  It's all we have to cling to for hope.  All of this is for our good...whether it appears that way now or not, it is.  And it is for His purpose, not ours.   I am exhausted from the hamster wheel of hope and grief.  Hope then more grief.  I know that God will be faithful to restore my joy and to help me see that He is at work.  I will continue to hope in Him and am thankful that while my circumstances are changing, He never will.   “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31.

Here is what I am praying for myself and lots of others in my life:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10  Praying that He would restore and strengthen this little heart of mine.

Didn't Pack the Tissues

I have been meaning to get on here and write since Father's Day, but I just haven't had the chance. I wanted to share something that totally caught me off guard (specifically, for my fellow infertile friends). Last Sunday, which as you know was Father's Day, I had an unexpected cry fest at church. We all know that I was so geared up to cry on Mother's Day that we didn't go to church at all. But honestly it didn't even cross my mind once that this day might be hard for me.

We sit down and they open the service after a few worship songs, then they proceed to have a gentleman from our church perform a song he had written about children growing up. And before I knew it, my face was flush and the tears were rolling on out. I was trying to find a way to hide behind Brad's shoulder, but it wasn't quite working out. The lyrics went something like this, "I look at all your childhood pictures and wonder where the time has gone." "You are all grown now and getting married..." Etc. you can fill in the words for the rest of the song. I lost it! We aren't watching anyone grow up. He sang about watching your child walk away the first day of kindergarten. I was sobbing because I want to be watching a child walk away to his or her first day of school. I thought everyone was assuming I had recently lost my dad or something, because I was that pitiful looking. Brad leaned over after the song was over and said, "Geesh, I thought Father's Day was going to be easy!" Well me too, darn it! I didn't pack any tissues.

The song reminded me of the quote someone recently shared through Common Thread from Laura Bush.  "The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" The song was hard not because I am experiencing the things he sang about, but because I was mourning their absence.

I think I was also sad for Brad. Although, I don't think he needed me to be sad for him, because I don't think he was sad. I know he will make an incredible father and I just hope he has the opportunity to experience the words of that song one day.  Sometimes I do feel ridiculous being so sad about something that doesn't even exist, but I guess that is exactly why I am sad...because I want that story for our lives. I want to experience all the words of that song. I want to shed tears when they leave for school and go off and get married.  But for now, I'll keep shedding tears over the empty rooms waiting to be filled with little feet to leave us with.  Thank you Laura Bush for putting it into words for me.

We had a lovely afternoon over lunch celebrating Brad's dad. I did get to talk to my dad on the phone, but I wish I could have been there with him to celebrate him too. It is tough living so far from family.  We were blessed with wonderful fathers and are very thankful for them.  Seriously, we are so blessed!

I have a new distraction these days.  I started a small tutoring business, Thrive Tutoring.  My subject focuses are math, science, and writing for various grade levels.  I LOVE it!  It has been a real joy to watch my first student "get" pre-algebra and actually like it, I think.   I am loving getting to know him and beginning to understand the way that he learns.  Brad says I secretly enjoy doing the math problems just for fun...and well, he's right.  I am a nerd.    I am looking for more clients.  If you know a student in need of a tutor, send me an email or leave a comment.  I would greatly appreciate it.  

The Lord totally dropped this tutoring thing in my lap and I am so grateful.  I guess He knew just how much I would love it...and that it was just what I needed. 

I hope you all are having a fantastic summer.  Overall Brad and I are doing great.  We have a busy summer ahead filled with weddings, the lake, and weekend trips.  

Love to you all!

Side note to CFC people:  I know the man who sang that song Sunday said a good-bye and praise the Lord, a welcome home that I hope to never experience.  I am sensitive to that. I know that having a child at war is something I would never understand unless I went through it.  Lord willing, I hope to never have to shed those tears.  But who knows what may come.  Knowing part of his story,  I just didn't want anyone to be offended that I longed to shed the tears of watching your children grow up over not having them at all.  I know that song means more to him than it could ever mean to any of us.  

Finally...My Verigated Ginger Bloomed

I have not once seen my ginger plants bloom in the three years that they have been planted out front.  I almost thought I had a different "version" of ginger than everyone else.  But the good Lord finally let my little ginger plants sprout the most unique looking flowers around.  And they smell yummy too.

You might be asking, "What does a ginger plant blooming have to do with infertility?"  I could find something super spiritual to say like, "Maybe this means the Lord will allow my womb to blossom after 3 years of waiting."  But really, there is only one correlation...I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made and I love plants. haha.  They make me very happy.  I know that not only makes me, "fearfully and wonderfully made," but sort of like an old lady trapped in my almost 27 year old body. Or at least that is what my friends tell me.  And this is where God has me, in the waiting ... enjoying some of my hobbies and I am making an attempt to make the most of it!

Too Many Goodbyes...

  

I had one too many goodbyes this week.  We were  blessed enough to see the Valiquette clan one last time before they leave for Italy.  We loved seeing them and hated saying goodbye as they begin their journey back to Italy.  Of course we say goodbye though with much excitement for how God is going to use them over there. We love you guys very much and are always in awe of how much comfort and security you are willing to sacrifice to serve our Lord.  You are an inspiration to both of us.  

 And then I also had to say goodbye to my high school small group girls.  I know they will still (most of them) be here this summer and I know I will see them again, but it was still so hard to watch them stand at the front of the room and receive their send off.  I have poured so much of myself into them.  And they have impacted me even more than I have impacted them.  They have taught me so much.  I’m just not ready for them to go!  They have become like children to me and dear friends as well.  I am so nervous and excited for them all in one bundled package of emotions.  I look at them and think, “I can’t believe my parents let me move to Orlando to go to UCF when I was their age.  They are so little!”  Haha.  I just wish I could keep them here with me forever.

I love you girls and am so proud of all of you.  I will miss seeing your beautiful smiles and goofy faces.  I cherish each and every one of you.  I love you!!  Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

“If you are not firm in faith you will not be firm at all.” Isaiah 7:9b