Hey friends! It has been a while since I have given an update. Truth is, there isn't much of an update. I told myself that I wouldn't think about or talk about where Brad and I should go from here for a month. That gave me time to just be and to also let Brad process a little more. My mom, aunt, and cousin came to visit last week and their leaving marked a month from our second miscarriage. I was so sad when they left, one, because I love and miss them terribly and two, because that meant my month was up and I was back to having to think again. My hall pass ran up. It was a really hard weekend for me.
Anywho, I really just feel like I am treading water these days. I am enjoying being Brad's wife and doing the things I enjoy around our home and around town. I stay incredibly busy and have a significant amount of freedom to fill my calendar with the things I love to do. I am trying to soak up every second of that. However, I am still left wondering, "What's next?" when I let my mind wander off from my to do list.
I told God a few days ago that I was, "Throwing in the towel." Which He has probably been waiting for me to do since this whole thing started 2 years ago. I really have nothing to offer up. I can't research anything anymore hoping to come up with the perfect answer to "fixing" our infertility situation. I don't feel physically or emotionally ready to give our other two embryos a chance yet. I would LOVE to adopt, but I am still praying for God to align our hearts. There is nothing I can do. I have known this all along, but reality has set in.
This sounds silly, but I hear the way Brad talks and plays with the dog and I think..."He is going to be such a great dad and I can't wait to hear him do that with our children someday." I want to hear giggles coming from the other rooms in our house. I want to have a Saturday filled with baseball games and popsicles. The list could go on. I just desire to have a family. I feel very ready for that.
One of my least favorite holidays is lurking around the corner. If you think of it, please stop and pray for those who may not be experiencing the joy of Mother's Day. I think of the women who have lost their mothers, don't know their mothers, lost a child, have been led to childlessness through singleness, and all the women who deeply desire to be recognized on this day, but are left empty handed. I am very thankful for my mom and Brad's mom and celebrate them on this holiday, but will definitely be hiding out this year.
Thankfully, the The Players won't be stealing Brad away from me on this day this year.
Love and hugs to all of you. :)
3 comments:
Sharlie, thanks for sharing. My heart aches with you. In my time of waiting to be a mom, God laid adoption on my heart, too. Only, I had to wait 4 extra years from that point for God to place it on Derek's heart. Trusting and waiting. You are right; it's hard. The path was hard, but it is one I would never trade--now. God's timing was/is right. He led us through Derek when He was ready to begin our family.
Waiting with you. Praying for you. Hurting along with you. Loving you. Julie
Yeah, I've got three friends dedicating babies on Mother's day. Double - no, quadruple whammie!
Luckily, it's also my sister's birthday, so after church the focus will be on her instead of being (or not being) a mom. PTL.
Thank you for the reminder to be sensitive to those who desire to be moms but are not yet.
I hope you had a nice staycation. :)
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