An Attempt to Digest the No...

Sorry it has taken me so long to get on here and give you all an update.  As you may have heard or guessed, we didn’t get the answer we had prayed for this time around.  Hearing that our embryo didn’t make it again knocked me flat on my butt.  I didn’t have the emotional energy to try and put any sort of anything into words and I am pretty sure I would regret a lot of the things I would have said two weeks ago.

I took this miscarriage a lot harder than the last.  I think I knew last time we would try again if it didn’t work.  This time, I knew I would be sent spiraling back into the pit of waiting.  “No,” seemed so open ended and hopeless to me.  Do we move on to adoption and allow God to grow our family that way?  Although, I know my heart gets excited about that idea (not that I have or ever will let go of the dream of carrying my own child), I have no idea if and when God will allow that for our family.  I KNOW I need a huge break from all this IVF stuff.  I am flat emotionally and physically wiped! So here we are again back to this place I hoped not to return to again.

I have spent a lot of time swimming in anger over the last few weeks.  Let’s just say I don’t understand a few things.   I have a friend facing infertility that after reading Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward,”  asked where she had gone wrong to not receive the reward. This was my response, “Hey there. These aren't unfamiliar thoughts to me. I must have done something wrong since I am not receiving the reward. A few women in my life have helped me check this thought... Instead of, "Why me?" ask, "Why not me?" I don't say that easily and most days I cant even utter those words... But what is God DOING? How is He using you to bring glory to His name? He has chosen me for this path, and it wasn't an oopsie daisy, He is well aware of your testimony. I had a dear friend (who is 20 years into the journey) say that she sees it as a calling. God knew she had the strength to love children that were not from her womb. He chose her to love the fatherless. That really spoke to me. It's all in how we look at it... Is He witholding or is He holding out His hand with an incredible treasure that He has picked out for only you and your husband? 

Trust me, I have your same questions, but in order to carry on I have to Put On truth and hope. I have to hope that God has an incredible thing up His sleeve. All the women I know who are further along in their journeys would tell us that He does have a great reward for us too... But it just might not look like the reward we were expecting. 

I hope this brings you hope. Not down playing your feelings. I carry those in the corner of my heart too. I just can't let Satan take any opportunity to turn God's story into his story.”  Ha, that is what is so HARD about this journey.  One day it is easy to say all these things and then you are forced to live in it.

I had to ask that same question.  Where did I go wrong, Lord?  Why do all these people I know get to sleep around, live a life that is not honoring to you and still receive your reward.  I know there are several lies and issues in this thought, and I will get to that, but it is extremely hard to not ask that question.  Why do the women who could care less about carrying a child, complain the whole pregnancy or are too high to even feel the baby kick, get to have the incredible experience of carrying a child??  Why do they deserve that experience?  Why do all the people who don't really care about children have the opportunity to have a whole van full?

I realize there are several lies weaved through all of these thoughts. If God were a God of reward and handed out deserved punishment, I would be going to hell.  Blunt, I know, but true.  I wouldn’t deserve a single blessing from Him. I know that I am saved by the GRACE of God, not by anything I did or didn’t do.  It is a free gift. I could never be “good” enough for a Holy and Perfect God.  “For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast,” Ephesians 28-9.  “But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace,” Romans 11:6.   I know that His grace should be sufficient for me (2 Corn. 12:9).  That should be enough for me. I don’t deserve anything more than what He has already given me in and through salvation. I clearly see that I have a false understanding of self to think I am better than the women I deem unfit to be mothers. I also know that God isn’t withholding in the way that we define withholding. I have to trust that He isn’t refraining from answering our prayers out of punishment, but but because His answer is different and better than mine.  I have been encouraged this week that He has a greater reward for us and He isn’t withholding a child because he doesn’t think we are good enough.  I also know from scripture that the women God made “wait” had huge rewards through whom their children became and the role they play in the Lord’s great novel.  Sarah with Isaac, Rebekah with Jacob and Esau, Rachel with Joseph and Benjamin, Hannah with Samuel, Elisabeth with John the Baptist... just to name a few examples. I am not naming myself as the bearer of the next promise child, trust me!  But I have to trust that the Lord is not wasting my pain in barrenness. 

I know those are a few of the lies that I have to battle daily, amongst others. 

Currently, we are taking a break from fertility treatments.  We need time to regroup, refocus, rejuvenate…and so on.  I am re-grieving the possibility that we may not have biological children.  Not giving up hope, but realizing again that God may have something else for us.  I am ready to mother and have a family, so I am having to let go of my ideas all over again and let the Lord lead us in what He has for our family.  I’d started to believe again that we may get a little Brad and Sharlie through IVF.  I am not saying He still can’t choose to do that, but I also feel like we need to be realistic and seek out other options while seeking a biological children also. 

Thank you for the prayers over the youth retreat last weekend.  While I wasn’t 100% myself, I did feel sustained and thoroughly enjoyed my time with my girls.  They make me laugh and allow me to escape into another world.  Some of you may be asking why the world of a teenager would qualify as an escape, haha.  But it is a much more simple place.   Interestingly enough the lessons for the students that weekend were exactly what I needed to hear. We spent the weekend studying the UNSHAKABLE faith of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Their faith was the same and they knew who their God was no matter their circumstances.  In short, when they (the Jews) were exiled in Babylon, they were required to worship the Gods of King Nebuchadnezzar. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were reported for not worshipping the king’s golden images.  The king ordered for them to burned in a fiery furnace.  They answered, “If this be so, the God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if no, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold image you have set up,” Daniel 3:17-18.  They knew their God had the power and ability to deliver them from the fire, but they also knew He could choose not to and if he didn’t they still vowed to remain true to who their God was and their faith.  This really hit home with me.   They were being thrown into a FIREY pit and were offered the chance to escape, but Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego chose to still remain faithful and trust God, EVEN if His answer was no.   Faithful, even if He chose to leave them to burn for choosing to worship Him in opposition.  Am I going to remain faithful even when God responds with no?  If He responds with no, will I still bow down and worship Him?  I was really challenged by their faithfulness and encouraged to press on.  Challenged to trust that He can deliver us from infertility, but if not, to continue in faithfulness and refuse to worship another. 

As you may know, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were rescued from the fire. “Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared, ‘Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here.’ Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And the satraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them,” Daniel 3:26-27.  AND because of what the Lord did, the king responded, “ ‘Therefore I make a decree: Any people, nation, or language that speaks anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego shall be torn limb from limb, and their houses laid in ruins, for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way.’ Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the province of Babylon,” Daniel 3: 29-30. Here is hoping that our story brings God glory in the same way that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did.  Of course that requires being faithful no matter what our circumstances.

I love that I went to the retreat last weekend with the intentions to serve and God used it to serve and encourage ME!  Thank you again for your prayers over the retreat weekend.

So where do we go from here?  That is the question we are asking right now.  We are not sure what’s next for our family.  Just taking it day by day, attempting to refocus on why we are really here.  Brad and I are here to live lives that bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ and to share His free gift with others.  We are prayerfully seeking what He has for us in that area and in our family's future.

If you could join us in praying for our next steps, we would greatly appreciate it.  Specifically, I am starting to feel the weight of our friends heading into round two of babies.  I feel like I am sinking even deeper into the pit of childlessness as everyone else’s family continues to expand.  Pray that I would be able to enjoy these miracles as well.  And the baby boom of 2010 has created a boom of 1st birthday parties.  I really don't want to miss those moments in their lives, but I also know how hard it is on my heart. And I never want to be the stealer of joy...I think I need wisdom on knowing when to attend and when to step back.  Please pray that we wouldn’t let satan get a foot hold in our marriage or in our relationships with the Lord using his crafty little lies.  I pray that I would be sustained and filled with joy and hope for what He DOES have for us.  

Love and thanks to you all.  Your support and prayers have been felt.