Groanings Too Deep for Words...

“Likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

Often times we miss the verse that precedes the most commonly quoted verse, Romans 8:28. While we know in our minds that the Lord is working all things for good, for those who love Him, it doesn’t mean that what is good in His eyes always feels good in our hearts. I think it is interesting that He reminds us before this verse that we have the Holy Spirit in us interceding for us when our hearts are too broken to even come up with words to pray. This verse has comforted me tremendously. I am at the point where I don’t even know what to pray for us. My heart just hurts and I can’t figure out what to think or pray.

Sometimes I feel like I am living out someone else’s story and I am going to wake up from all of this very soon.

Thank you Lord for all the friends and family that are supporting us through this.

HSG Results and Email to Friends and Family

HI friends:

Thank you all very much for praying for me this week. As some of you have heard, Brad and I got some not so fun news yesterday.

As soon as I saw the image on the screen during the HSG, I just knew. I knew it didn't look right. And I knew as soon as I heard what the doctor called it, that it was not good. I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus. I could feel my heart just crumble into a million pieces. I actually have a friend that has a heart shaped uterus and one time out of curiosity I Googled an image of that and a chart of uterus malformalities came up. I remember seeing the unicorn one and thinking, YIKES, I feel bad for anyone who has that. Never did I dream that would be ME. Basically, I have half of a uterus and one fallopian tube. And they still believe I have a mild case of PCOS which effects ovulation and all that as well. They believe as long as Brad is good, that I should be able to conceive with some help...I am just highly at risk for miscarriage and preterm labor. My uterus won't be able to stretch far enough to go full term. I am pretty much heart broken. I feel like my heart is literally breaking into a million pieces. And well the tears just won't stop. I think I truly understand the word weep now.

For all of you who know me, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Always. I am Momma Shar. That has always been my nick name.

It is just in me. And I have always had an obscure obsession with the miracle/process of pregnancy. In fact, I gave up being an OB/GYN to be a mom. I guess you could say that I am mourning the possibility that I may never experience the very thing that has intrigued me the most in life. I want to experience a baby kicking in my belly. I want to breast feed. I dreamed of being able to look at my child and say, oh he has my eyes and brad's toes. I wanted to do everything that moms get to experience. And the reality is I may not get to experience that...and if I do it is pretty much a given that it would either miscarry or be a preemie.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it. It hurts so deeply. I can't even explain it. All I can do is cry.

I think what makes it really difficult is the miracle kids I am close to that were born really early, have mental and physical issues. So if God chooses to bless us with a pregnancy, there is an extremely high chance for that to be true for us. Basically, we just know that no matter what road we take now, it is going to be extremely difficult. If we proceed with adoption, that is a hard road.

Financially, emotionally....etc. And I will still mourn not having my own biological children. And if we choose to pursue fertility treatments, we also know that is going to be a very hard road.

I just want to be normal. I wish I could rewind the HSG and not see that tiny little half uterus on the screen. It is so hard to not ask why. Why do the moms I see at work get to do drugs and have 8 kids and can't even put food on the table? I don't understand. I know it is not a question that I will ever get answered, but the questions still run through my mind.

I know that God is the God of the impossible and I know that He could put a child in my half uterus and allow my uterus to stretch to full term, because I know He can do things that science can't explain. I know He is writing an amazing story and if I do get pregnant and carry it long enough...we will all be witnessing one of His greatest miracles. I know that God has plans that are good for me and that He plans to prosper us and our family. The refining fire is just plain painful. And I am waiting for my heart to catch up with what my mind knows.

Please pray for Brad and I as we go through this together. Pray that it would strengthen our marriage. Pray that I would believe in what

God CAN do and not what science says He can't do. Pray that my heart would heal. Pray that I wouldn't allow this to pull me into depression or to hide. We have a youth retreat this weekend and i am really nervous about that. I KNOW I am going to cry and I know the students will be interested in knowing what the deal is with me. I don't want the weekend to be about me and I don't want to draw attention to our situation. But my tears and heart have a mind of their own right now. :) They also like to ask when Brad and I are having kids, bc it seems to be in the water at church, and they just don't understand why that might not be a good question to ask me. I might just fall to pieces if one of them asks. My personality wants to put my big girl panties on and get it together...but as Brad's mom put it...my big girl panties don't fit so good right now. And that is okay. Well...I am trying to be okay with that.

I don't know if anything I said makes sense, but I wanted to send an update since I haven't been able to return phone calls. I am not very good at formulating words right now. :) And pretty hard to understand through the muffles. Thank you for being my friend.

Love you all.

Hi my lovely family and friends:

Hope you are having a great week! The weekend is almost here. :)

I have an update/prayer request for you. I feel incredibly blessed that I have such great friends that I can email like this and ask to pray for me. I know there are lots of things in this world to be praying for, so thank you for allowing me to ask you ...for me to be one of them. Sometimes I feel guilty asking for prayer because I often feel someone else might need it more than I do. BUT I do know the power of prayer and I covet yours. I appreciate all of you so much.

I unfortunately started my cycle Sunday, but fortunately because I did start I was able to schedule the HSG test that has been canceled twice. I will be having the test done in Daytona on Wednesday at 12 pm. This is the test wear they will insert dye to see what shape uterus I have and if I have the "right" equipment. I know it is the weirdest prayer request ever, but please pray that my kidney malformation is the only malformation. :) I did have an internal sonogram a few weeks ago and it showed that I did NOT have cysts on my ovaries and that I DID have eggs. :) What does that mean? I am not sure. They don't want to eliminate PCOS yet, but have also have not been able to pin point anything else. Hopefully the HSG will give us some more information. I am praying we stay on this wave of good news.

I have had an incredibly good week, coming off of a really hard week.

:) As you can imagine, the week before starting my cycle is always extremely difficult because I enter the battle of trying to balance hope and guarding my heart from disappointment. And then you add raging hormones on top of that and well ... you get a hard week. But this week, I have been so filled with joy and have felt such a peace.

I feel like I am finally, really truly broken and all I can do is cling to the Lord. Which I am sure is where He was trying to get me. I can't fix this, I can't fix me. Only God open and closes wombs.

While I get it TODAY, I will probably have to reprocess this a million times over and be reminded again and again, because sometimes my heart has a disconnect with what my mind understands. It is a process...a refining process.

Thank you again for being my friends. It has been extremely healing for me to write and send these emails. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

Prayer Email #4...Blood Work for PCOS

Hi friends!

So... my blood work came back finally. My blood is not showing that I have PCOS. However, through a ton of reading and thoughts from the doctor, that doesn't mean I don't have it. It could be a very mild form of it and didn't show because of the day in my cycle that my blood was tested. I am having a sonogram done Friday to see if I do have cysts on my ovaries. That would mean that I do have PCOS, it just isn't showing in the blood or didn't show in that particular test. If it is not PCOS then it is a pituitary problem. The pituitary is not making the hormones needed to release an egg. The insurance company is thinking about covering the HSG which would let us know more about the shape of the uterus. Brad is also being tested Friday. So things are still in the works. I feel like at least we are making some headway on a diagnosis. Patience is key!

I do ask that you would pray against the doubts that have been creeping into my mind. The last few days were really hard for me. I learned of some more pregnancies that hit close to home. It just opened some wounds that made me start questioning why some people are blessed with babies and others are not. I have worked through that, and as a sweet friend reminded me, it won't be the last time I work through those feelings. I can feel them, I just can't stay there. I have to go through the process of reminding myself of all the things I know to be true about God. And I also have to find my place all over again, broken and humbled. I got to a place where I can finally just say, God, I don't understand this. And that is okay. I don't have to find out why God is doing this in our lives, what physical problem is causing it, why some people are blessed with biological children and some aren't. I can just be okay with not understanding. That is what makes Him God and not me after all. :) Pray that I would desire

Christ more than I desire motherhood. Pray that I would abandon myself to His will. Although I mentally understand His will is better than mine, sometimes my heart likes to hold onto what I think is best for me. Can you relate, haha? I know His plan for me is far greater than I could ever imagine.

Thank you for letting me share this with you. Thank you for your partnership in prayer. My heart was really heavy the last few days, but I feel that the Lord has brought me from underneath that and I can celebrate all that He is doing in my life to show me that He is the

God of the impossible!

He is not finished with me yet,

Prayer Email 3...Humana Stinks.

So... I guess the Lord wanted to hear from us for a little while longer. When I was at my appointment today, Humana called to tell me they would not be covering any diagnostic tests. They won't cover anything for infertility. The doctor's office is fighting it...they are still trying to even diagnose me. So they are putting of the HSG until next month. I was mostly just disappointed bc I was excited to get an answer of some form. But God is holding me to trusting Him, I suppose. I have to trust Him even if it is postponed for a whole month. He must know how much I like waiting. haha. Thank you again for thinking and praying for me today. We should know what all the blood work says sometime next week.

Love you!

Test Rescheduled, Prayer email #2

Hi dear friends...

I got a call from the doctor's office today. Humana was giving them a hard time about covering my test for tomorrow so they had to cancel it and postpone it until Tuesday (11 am). I am bummed...now I have to take off work to go and felt prepared for tomorrow. But I am trusting that the Lord's timing is much better than mine. Of course. He put a hold on the insurance, I am sure of it. :) It throws my cycle to go 4 days later and we can't try this month due to the dye being inserted later than 10 days in...but anywho...for some reason God wanted that and we will take it. Just attempting to abide and stay there. Thank you for your prayers. You can send some up tomorrow still haha...I am having the blood work done for the PCOS at 8:15 am.

LOVE all of you. Have a great weekend. I will let you know if I hear anything from the blood work. Thank you for praying and thank you all for your encouraging words. I cherished each and every one of them.

First Prayer email to friends...

My Dearest Prayer Warriors!

So...I have an update for all of you who have been journeying with me through what the docs call "infertility"...I don't like that word.

Sounds way to final and I know God is so much bigger than the big "I" word. Brad and I are so thankful for all of you and the ways you have encouraged us in our journey. We are also thankful for how the Lord is using this in our marriage and in our walks with Him.

In God's amazing goodness, we were able to get an apt with an incredible fertility doctor in Jacksonville. He is a good family friend of the Harby's and he has gone above and beyond to make sure we are taken care of. We had an apt with him last week and learned that I possibly have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I will be having blood work done on February 5th to confirm this. I am not really sure what this entails completely, but we have been reassured that there are lots of things that can be done to help us achieve pregnancy in light of this diagnosis. I am still researching and learning... and of course have lots of questions for the doctor when I see him next, haha. I know it has something to do with androgens (an excess of male hormones) and insulin problems. Both somehow play a part in me not ovulating and when I don't ovulate, the follicles build up into little cysts in my ovaries. Post trying to achieve pregnancy, I will have to heavily focus on my diet to make sure that I don't allow the insulin problem to turn into diabetes.

The other part of the equation is my solo kidney. The doctor says there is a link between women born with one kidney and uterine abnormalities. On the 5th I will also be having and HSG something or other (dye inserted inside) to see if I have an abnormal shaped uterus. The shape of the uterus can have huge implications on fertility. I know my uterus is already the shape it is going to be and there is nothing I can do about that, but I wanted to ask you all to partner with us in praying that my uterus is a shape that is able to carry babies and that I would be ready to hear whatever the doctor finds. I have also heard that this test is quite uncomfortable and I am a little nervous about that. But mostly I covet your prayers regarding the shape issue as well as my response to the diagnosis.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We will know lots more Friday the 5th!

Love you all dearly.

Welcome to our story...

On Wednesday, March 10, 2010, after a year of “trying” and two and a half years of being off the birth control pill, my husband and I learned that I have a unicornuate uterus. This means I only have about half of my uterus and one communicating ovary. I was born with one kidney, which led my doctors to run an HSG test in the first place. I never dreamed I would find out that there were malformations in my uterus as well. I knew it could happen since the kidneys and uterus form together in the womb, but I just never thought it would be true for me. I didn’t skip periods or anything, so in my mind, I had to have all the working parts. The doctors are telling us now that getting pregnant should not be a problem, but because of the size of my uterus, they can’t tell me how far it will be able to stretch to hold a fetus. Preterm labor and miscarriages are almost a given. What the doctors don’t know is that I am a daughter of the Most High King and that He is the God of the impossible. I believe that God can stretch my uterus as far as He wants to if it is in His will for us to have biological children. We know that we serve a God that can do far more abundantly than we could ever imagine (Eph 3:20).

While I realize that this is a very personal journey, I feel that blogging is a practical way for me to use our experience to bring glory to God and encourage others to see Him in the midst of our trials. The weekend after learning this new information was extremely difficult, to say the least. I finally learned what it really meant to weep. However after a few days, I permitted myself to do the forbidden and Googled “unicornuate uteruses”. I stumbled upon a blog of another girl with the same thing as me and it really encouraged me as I read about her journey. If I can encourage one person by sharing my story, then logging it publicly is well worth it. It also helps me to get my thoughts on paper (which is hysterical because if you know me, you know I am passionate about science and math; writing is not my gift nor something I enjoy). So the fact that I feel inspired to write is quite entertaining. That makes it even more convincing that the idea comes from above and not me. Haha. I think it will also be good for me to have a log of my journey so I can look back and see what the Lord has done. I know when we are going through tough circumstances, we often forget what He has already accomplished, and I know I will need to be reminded time and time again that God is at work through those little nuggets of hope!

Thank you for journeying with me. I can never express enough thanks for all the prayers. Brad and I can certainly feel them. Above all else, I ask that you would pray for Brad and me to cling to one another and to the good Lord throughout this process. Also pray that our marriage would be strengthened. We cannot let satan use this as an opportunity to tear down our marriage. We covet your prayers in this matter.

We are certainly thankful for our parents, family, church and friends who love us deeply. We could not be enduring this without you.

Much love and hope, the Harby's.