Pushing it Back

Somehow I have managed to become even busier than I was when I was working full time. I have no idea how I did everything before. We did get to take a few vacations and I am very thankful for that time, but I feel overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 years worth of projects. Checking it off, one thing at a time!

I never dreamed I would say this, but I think Brad and I are going to push back treatments a month or so. Brad almost fell out of the booth at Chili’s when I told him that August was too soon. All along, the opportunity to attempt pregnancy couldn’t come soon enough. I really felt the Lord saying, just wait a bit. I have to trust that His timing is better than ours. Often that is easy to say and more difficult to put into practice, but I feel at peace with our decision. I feared telling Brad that I was feeling that way, because I knew when I told him that I was then making a commitment to wait. But obviously I am glad I did. The process is so intimidating. And I think we both feel like we really haven’t had the time we need to get emotionally prepared.

The hardest part is taking the first step in faith to begin the process. I think when pregnancy happens naturally, you are forced to take the journey as it comes. You don’t have a choice. I think Brad and I feel like we are signing up for a roller coaster ride and it is hard to take the first step. With IVF, you are signing up for much more than heartburn, nausea, swollen feet, and stretch marks…and the daunting task of become a parent. It’s more like big shots, crazy hormones, possible ovary over stimulation, anesthesia, procedures, more shots, miscarriages… “Ooooo, pick me, pick me!” It is a lot to sign up for with a WHOLE heck of a lot of unknowns. I think we are going to just enjoy the summer and look more towards Sept/October.

Thank you for the encouraging emails, texts, and messages.

Much love,

Loving on other people's children...

I read in one of my many books that some people instead of pursuing adoption or medical intervention just spend their time pouring into other people's children. Well the Valiquette clan blessed me tremendously on my birthday!! I loved spending time with their 4 treasures! How can you not love them?!?!

Addison and Bryce wanted to help Brad get ready for work. His shoes are bigger than they are!!

It's a Lonely Ride

I debated on whether or not I should get on here and share where my heart is this week or not. I didn't want to have an online pity party. :) And I didn't want to hurt anyone who may be sharing in the joy of pregnancy right now. But then I remembered the reason I started this blog in the first place. It was to relate to people who are struggling with the same things as I am, and to be a beacon in this dark and lonely world. So here I am…

I was riding on a high from our last doctor's appointment for the remaining part of June. And then my cycle was 7 days late and you guessed it...a little voice in my head starting whispering, "This could be your miracle!" And the battle began. And as you also probably guessed, it was just a tease. And to top it off, it was a really rough round this month and I just wept on the bathroom floor writhing in pain (we have carpet, don't worry...it wasn't too weird for me to be laying on the bathroom floor. The fact that we have carpet in the bathroom, okay, now that is weird). It felt like a cruel joke and I started to become angry that I have to endure the pains and not so fun parts of being female, yet there is no guarantee that I will get to experience the blessings of being female. I was extremely frustrated. It’s a constant reminder of what might not be. Your body does all that it is supposed to do, yet nothing comes of it. It's like a revolving door that smacks you on your face month after month.

I learned of a few more pregnancies this week as well. I am extremely thankful for those lives and so excited for the parents to be, please hear me on that. I am celebrating those precious gifts, but the other half of my heart was left feeling very alone. I am not discounting the good news, I just wanted to hone in on the feeling that the news left me to deal with. I kept saying to Brad,"Everyone has moved on and they have been blessed with the gift of life and I am just left here alone." It is very lonely here. I am beginning to feel more and more trapped in my little bubble every time I hear of another pregnancy. The doctors told me that 1 in 6 women will be infertile. Really? Interesting, I think I am running on 1 in 30 in my circle. I feel very far from 1 in 6. Every time another announcement is made I feel myself sinking lower. I become even more unrelateable. I don't know what kind of diapers explode and which ones don't. I don't have anything to say about nap schedules. I don't have anything to say about the first time my child did this or that...unless of course it is about LT. I have absolutely no opinion about whether or not you should let your child cry it out or not. I would give anything to even be able to say that I didn't sleep much last night because my child was out of his/her routine. I feel like I don't have anything to offer to the people who are in my life stage right now. And I really don't have much to bring to the conversation. I feel the dynamics of some of my friendships changing and its because they are moving into a different chapter and those pages haven't turned for me yet, nor am I promised that those pages will turn. I feel like I have less and less in common with our friends with every day that passes. I know this can apply to lots of people, even those not experiencing infertility, but those who long to be married or long to even be in a relationship that even allows them to hope for children. It just can be very lonely and that is the emotion that I am trying to come to grips with at the moment. Not that I don't have lots of friends and family, or people who are invested in our journey...but it is lonely in the sense that no one understands your world or exactly how your heart feels. At the end of the day, when I lay my head down it is just me, the Lord, my heart, and my mind and no one can really understand or relate to me. That is where it gets lonely.

Poor ladies at the mall today had no clue that they stirred something in me as they passed by with their cute little bellies and that glow that all pregnant women have. Yes, I can hope in the process we plan to begin in the fall, but if there is something this journey has taught me, it is that nothing goes as planned! So I don't want to store up too much hope in IVF. It may not be the answer and I can't put my whole heart in the petri dish. Just because we have been given the opportunity to pursue IVF, doesn't mean it is going to work or that it is God's answer to our desire for children. We aren't guaranteed anything.

I am sorry I don't have much encouragement today. I know this is just a passing feeling, but I know it is not the last time it will rear its ugly head either. If you can relate to what I am describing, know that you are not alone! J

Even though I don’t have much encouragement to offer, Sarah’s Laughter pulled through once again. If you are not subscribed to this e-newsletter and are experiencing infertility, I highly suggest that you do subscribe. http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

“Hebrews 4:15-16 says

For we do not have a high priest who cannot

sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

We have a marvelous high priest in Jesus Christ, who understands the hurts and frustrations of our lives. He invites us to come into the throne roomof God to find the help we need.

I love to learn the literal translations of Scripture, and this verse has to be one of the reasons why! Look at the part of this verse that says “draw near with confidence”. The literal meaning of these words is “come recklessly unannounced”! God is telling you to come recklessly unannounced to Him to receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to make an appointment! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to ask if it’s okay, or wonder if you are harassing God! Come recklessly unannounced! Cry out to Him when your period starts again. Call on His Name and ask for His guidance when you are faced with another decision or another friend gets pregnant and you don’t. You don’t have to worry that God is going to get tired of your repeated requests for a baby, or that He’ll send a holy messenger to you to tell you to stop calling Him! He says to you today, come recklessly unannounced! You’ll find mercy and grace to help you in this time of your need.”

On a fun note, we were able to spend the week at Kingsley Lake last week with our family. We had a great time eating, tubing, sleeping, eating, eating, swimming, and sleeping. And LT had more fun than anyone else. Our family patiently threw his tennis ball repeatedly into the lake for him to fetch, just for him to come back and shake all over them. He went boating, tubing, and jet skiing. It was a blast!

Retirement and Two Thumbs Up!

June 10 marked my last day at Children's Miracle Network. It was bittersweet to leave, but Brad and I felt like that was the best thing for our family right now. We thought it would be wise for me take the summer to take care of myself, wrap up projects around the house, and to start getting things in order to embark on a new chapter. I will miss my co-workers tons and my precious miracle families. It was an incredible ride and I am thankful for my experiences there.

The long awaited High Risk appointment finally came! Our biggest prayer was that we would be set up with a doctor who understood our concern and didn't treat us like we were wasting his or her time. I don't have much luck with doctors. I think they forget sometimes that we are paying THEM. Anyway, that's another soap box. I just didn't want to wait 1.5 months to have someone say, "You are fine. Get over it. We'll just pump you up with drugs and you will be just fine." Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for us and our visit. We had a wonderful experience at the R.O.C. (Regional Obstetric Consultants) at Baptist Downtown.

When we arrived the waiting room was packed and there was only one doc on duty. Brad was like a fish out of water...it was us and a room full of pregnant people. Well, women rather. He leaned over and asked, "Is everyone in Jacksonville high risk?" Haha. I told him, "If you are over 35, have gestational diabetes, had a previous child with complications, are pregnant with multiples or sneezed once while you were pregnant I guess the send you here." We were in the waiting room for 1.5 hours before a nurse called us back for a pre-consultation before speaking to the doc. I immediately thought, "Great, they are going to try and have the nurse answer our questions and we won't even see the doctor. Listen, lady, I waited far too long to have a nurse consult." I was wrong, Brandy was awesome! She more or less just wanted to make sure Brad and I didn't have anything too crazy in our family tree that would set us up for even more complications. We think we passed most of the questions. Our families are kind of crazy, but they said we should be fine, haha. Brandy and I had the brilliant idea of doing a sonogram while we were there so the doc could see exactly how big of a half uterus we are working with here. The doc thought it was a great idea too. Sooo...we were sent back to the waiting room.

After doing some more amazing people watching in the waiting room, we got called back to do the sonogram. They were very thorough and even tried to hunt down my other ovary. No luck there. However, we did discover that my one ovary is making some good looking "follicles" otherwise known as eggs. The sonographer was very complimentary of my eggs and I did a little fist pump and claimed very excitedly, "Yay, at least I have one thing going for me." Brad followed with, "They are probably organic." Haha, the comedic relief was well needed. The sonographer was not feeling our jokes. Guess she doesn't understand that we haven't had much luck with these sort of appointments and humor is our saving grace. Shortly after the doc shuffled in...as soon as he opened his mouth all the tension escaped my body and the room. Dr. Francisco Guierre is the man! He sat down next to me, mind you, I am still laid out on the table, and said, " So, you have half a uterus, I have a stint in my heart, and he, pointing to Brad, has something wrong with him too, but we will get to that later." Haha. We died laughing. He was so encouraging and went out of his way to make sure I knew that I wasn't a freak of nature.

He went through all the risks that I would be predisposed to during pregnancy and explained that even though they are risks, every woman's body and every single pregnancy is different. I basically will face things that people with multiples are predisposed to experience during pregnancy. The two biggest factors being, the potential to breach and the potential to have an incompetent cervix. Breach, because the baby doesn't have that much room to flip around and get head down. And the cervix can wear down and give out because it can't hand the weight or pressure. He said technically we can all have those complications, I am just at increased risk. The other being early term labor. He encouraged us by saying that they body is an incredible thing and we will be shocked by what it can handle. He said there wasn't a single thing in him that would encourage us not to try to get pregnant. He said that I am actually lucky that I know so that they can keep a close eye on me and track me the whole pregnancy. He said that often women have malformed uteruses and don't know until the baby is breached and they have to preform a c-section. When they get in there they often discover that they too have a unicornuate uterus. He made it clear that I wasn't alone and threw in a chipper, "Welcome to the club!" I told him how it feels extremely lonely and that all my friends get pregnant just by looking at their husbands. He laughed and said, "They have something wrong with them too, they just don't know it yet." Haha. He was so incredibly in tune with the emotional side of everything. He knew just where we needed to be encouraged. Almost as if God used him as a megaphone for the things we needed to hear. Brad and I had lots of questions and he was so patient with us and understood our concerns. He told us he would be honored to be our doctor and that he would love to take care of us. I have never had such a great experience at a doctor's office. I told Brad I wished he could be my doctor for everything in life. We weren't a nuisance to him and that was so refreshing.

When we left, Brad grabbed my shoulders and said, "Well, you aren't such a freak after all." HAHAHA! Thanks, Brad. I knew that meant, "I love you so much and praise God for good news, FINALLY!" We left on cloud nine.

Everyone asks, so what's next? Well, we decided that we are going to take the summer to just enjoy each other and have fun. I think we need this breather of just being and enjoying where the Lord has us. Then we will face the huge monster that is IVF and ICSI come Fall. It's sooo unbelievably intimidating. I will save that can of worms for the next entry.

Thank you to everyone who remembered our big day yesterday. We were encouraged by the texts, emails, and phone calls. We are especially thankful for all the prayers. We felt like we did indeed have a divine appointment and couldn't have asked for a better doctor to meet with yesterday. Even if we would have gotten all the same answers from a different doc, we are confident that we may not have left so encouraged and sure that the Lord was giving us two thumbs up!

The Dance...

The dance….

There has to be a way to find a balance between hope and guarding your heart from disappointment. I haven’t figured it out yet and I was frustrated this cycle because I wondered if I would ever figure it out…or would I fight this battle every month for the rest of my life?

The week before my cycle is always the most difficult. I get this glimmer of hope that maybe this month God will perform a miracle and that the three years of being off the pill with no success will suddenly come to a halt. Every month I think, “Maybe this is the month!” If I don’t let myself think that maybe this month is different, am I saying that I don’t think God is capable of performing a miracle? But if I do hope, then I am doomed to be heartbroken, month after month. I feel like if I choose to believe that nothing is going to happen without medical intervention then I am putting God in a box. So how do I protect myself from the vicious cycle of hope and heartache? I titled this entry, “The Dance…” because that is what it often feels like…I mentally and emotionally sway from side to side. Hope…convince myself not to hope…hope…despair… hope... talk myself through all the reason why it is NOT possible…hope…and it goes on.

One of our friends, Adam Alexander, pointed out to me that when Jesus performs miracles in the Bible, He always asks, “Do you think I can do it?” and when they believe He blesses them with a miracle because of their faith. That always comes to my mind as I am attempting to steady my heart on the balance scale…lingering somewhere in-between hope and despair. If I convince myself that this is not the month and ACCEPT my infertility in order to protect myself, am I saying that I don’t think God can open my womb? But if I hope that He will indeed miraculously create life in me this month, when it doesn’t happen my heart is shattered into a million pieces. At what point to you just accept it? I don’t know how long my heart can handle the tortures of this battle.

I told Brad this week that I just wish God would remove the desire. That would make it so much easier. I know all the responses to that comment… that life is not promised to be easy nor should it be. I am just being real.

Every month I am reminded. Every cycle is a reminder that we may not have a child that is a piece of both of us. Every cycle is a reminder that our family tree may stop with us. Every cycle reminds me that I am not like every other woman standing around me. It forces me to this place where I feel less female and less valuable. I know that I am not here to solely bear children, and that we have a greater purpose, but I can’t ignore the deeply imbedded desire and nature that God created in us as females to mother.

An encouraging tid-bit from an infertility newsletter I am subscribe to:

“So what do you do when the anger wells up inside of you so that you begin to fear the person you are becoming? How do you lay it down and walk out of the furnace? The answer is found in Colossians 3:15: ‘Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts’. There’s an amazing little nugget of truth for you here. The original meaning for the word “rule” here is awesome, especially for sports fans! It literally means ‘to act as an umpire’! With your permission, the peace of Christ will act as an umpire when anger and calm wage war within you!” ~ Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Although I do feel angry at times…or jealous, I would say hope and despair are my prevailing emotions. It is encouraging to know that God is umpiring amidst all the emotions that wage war within me. I have said from the beginning that I do not want to be ruled by my diagnosis or my situation. I found this statement highly encouraging. As long as I allow it, God’s peace will be the referee. If I can remain under the umpire’s hand, then maybe…just maybe… I can keep my situation from ruling my heart.

Hopefully the next entry will be a little lighter. Haha. I just have to get through this week. :) Sorry if this is all over the place. I was long over due for a post, so forgive me for any grammar mistakes or if it doesn't make any sense. I wanted to give you a quick update while I had a minute.

We are still waiting for our appointment on the 16th with High Risk peeps. Praying for a divine appointment with the right doctor who has experience with unicorns like me. :)

Mother's Day...What a Doozie!

Mother’s Day… I thought I saw you coming. I had prepared myself mentally that Mother’s Day would be rough, but I guess I didn’t prepare quite enough. I thought maybe if I thought about all of the next day’s events ahead of time, I would be able to swallow it all a little easier when I actually had to face them. I thought if I cried enough Saturday night, then maybe, just maybe there wouldn’t be any tears left on Sunday. Fail! Instead I just got two crying headaches, one headache for Saturday’s tears and one for Sunday’s. That plan was a bust.

All the books, blogs, and infertility e-couragement emails said Mother’s Day would be hard. But dang, it’s a doozie.

I originally had planned on skipping church since Brad was still working the TPC and I didn’t want to endure the Mother’s Day service alone. But several of our closest friends were having their babies dedicated during the service. I decided I wanted to be there for them and be there as the church prayed over their children. I wanted to be there to support them in their special day and be there as a part of the church body promising to minister to these children. I told our friend Adam that I would rather be there to support our friends and be sad, than be sad and miss out all together. And so I went…

I texted my mom and told her that I wouldn’t be able to call her until after lunch. I knew if I called her before church I would be in tears before I even got there (She lives out of state). She graciously understood. I made prior arrangements to sit with our dear friends, the Curry’s, and my mother-in-law, Cindy. I strategically sat at the end of a row, so I could escape if need be. Jeff Curry asked where I wanted to sit, and I replied, “Somewhere escapable.” Haha. As we sat waiting for the service to start, I could feel the tears finding their way up from my aching heart. Dang it! I thought I’d dried them all up. I really didn’t want to call attention to myself and didn’t want people looking at me, the less attention, the better. Then the music started and there was no holding back the tears. Our music minister, Matt, was incredibly gracious and sensitive to the fact that Mother’s Day might not be a celebration for some. Some might be mourning the death of a child, some might be mourning the fact that their children are no longer walking with the Lord, or some may be mourning a broken relationship with their child. I truly appreciated that. I opened the bulletin and was relieved to see that the sermon wasn’t about the biblical role of mother and wife … or anything remotely like that. Even though they are lies from satan, I know that sometimes we feel like because we can’t bear children (or have trouble doing so) that we don’t have a purpose. It is in our nature to nurture, and we are commanded to be, “…fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:22). To fall short of that, feels like a huge failure. So thank you, Doug (our pastor), for not twisting the dagger! I think I held myself together pretty well until I saw all of our friends line up on stage holding their precious gifts. It was very surreal. My heart was overwhelmed with gladness for them and thankful I came to be there as the church prayed over their children, but tears streamed down my face as my heart shattered into a million pieces. I wanted to be up there with them. I felt like I was on the shoreline and they were passing by on a great big ship making their passage into the next phase of life, and I was grasping for a rope asking the Lord to have the ship wait for us. “Why can’t we be standing up there?” “What did we do wrong?” “Were we not faithful enough?” “Why were they given the gift of life and we have been put on hold?”

But God was extremely gracious. I couldn’t have made it through what I did without the people who were standing next to me. I think the Curry’s and Cindy were literally holding me up. I felt so loved. I know that they were praying for me and catching my tears. It was extremely humbling. And again, very surreal. That is the body of Christ, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Corn. 12:26). We were rejoicing for our brothers and sisters in Christ, but also sharing in suffering all at the same time.

Immediately after the baby dedications, I ESCAPED! (I know some of you are thinking, “Ahh…you should have stayed. The sermon, The Hope of Comfort, would have been perfect for you!” Don’t worry, I plan to download it as soon as it is posted and listen to it in the privacy of my own car). We stepped into Cindy’s office for a minute and I am so glad we did. There were some very sweet friends who popped in to give me a hug and let me know that they were praying for me. Again, I felt so loved.

I ate lunch with Hugh’s family and it was a great distraction. I also got a couple goodies while I was there: two little basil plants, a few mint plants, and a cool little pot. Some might think that is not so cool…but I love plants and herbs for some reason and it made me so happy. It’s the little things. Thanks, Grandma for sharing your herb plants. J

When I arrived home, there were neon letters, a note, balloons, a cookie cake, and coupons to Yoga Berry (I LOVE frozen yogurt or ice cream in any form…and coupons for that matter). And the tears were back. My high school small group left me the most encouraging note. It was food to my soul. Again, I felt so loved. It was enough encouragement to get me through my next adventure.

I had to go to my favorite place, the grocery store, and get food for the week. Only to be shopping with ALL men! What the heck, man? Even the grocery store was a challenge. I was surrounded by a bunch of lost puppies and their kiddos walking around aimlessly attempting to buy the perfect ingredients for the special dinners they were making for their wives and mothers. Yes, there were women in the store, but I was obviously extra sensitive to all the men and their children. The Deli line was a ghost town; mothers must have taken the day off. Goodness, slightly ridiculous, I know, but still that was my Mother’s Day grocery store experience and I thought someone would appreciate hearing about it. J

Around 11 pm, I was already nestled in bed after a great dinner with Cindy’s parents when Brad finally arrived home from his 9 day TPC “ecology” venture, aka ‘trash duty.” I opened the bedroom door to find him standing there sweaty, sunburned, covered in trash and holding a garbage bag of random flowers that he found at the TPC. It was a sweet moment for me. I wish I could have taken a picture. I guess the picture is burned in my mind in the form of a memory. He stood there and grinned, like he hoped these flowers would suffice. I did some trimming and arranged the flowers in a vase. Brad was even impressed that the half wilted hodge podge had turned into a beautiful bouquet. I couldn’t have picked prettier flowers. I am so thankful for him and I am so glad to have him back! Brad, thank you for remembering my longing to be a mother after your incredibly long and tiring week. I don’t know where you found those flowers, but they were perfect. I love you.

I couldn’t have made it through the day with out the body of Christ, family, and friends. Thank you for all the ways that you all reached out to me…every hug, gesture, text message, and email helped me put one foot in front of the other.

On a less selfish note… Happy Mother’s Day to both of our moms! We both were blessed with such incredible moms and we are so thankful for them. They mean the world to us and I can only hope that I have the opportunity to be half the mother they both have been to us. Love you both!!

Dusting off John Piper

It has been a while since I have read any books or sermons by John Piper. Ryan Cunningham sent me some links today to some recent sermons by John Piper and I found them incredibly refreshing and encouraging, specifically, "Battling the Unbelief of Impatience." I hope it encourages you as well.

"Impatience is a form of unbelief. It's what we begin to feel when we start to doubt the wisdom of God's timing or the goodness of his guidance. It springs up in our hearts when the road to success gets muddy or strewn with boulders or blocked by some fallen tree. The battle with impatience can be a little skirmish over a long wait in a checkout lane. Or it can be a major combat over a handicap or disease or circumstance that knocks out half your dreams.
The opposite of impatience is not a glib, superficial denial of frustration. The opposite of impatience is a deepening, ripening, peaceful willingness either to wait for God where you are in the place of obedience, or to persevere at the pace he allows on the road of obedience—to wait in his place, or to go at his pace."

Click the link below to read the full article:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/BySeries/15/659_Battling_the_Unbelief_of_Impatience/

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,And in his word I hope." Psalm 130:5

"'Waiting for the Lord' is an Old Testament way of describing the opposite of impatience. Waiting for the Lord is the opposite of running ahead of the Lord and it's the opposite of bailing out on the Lord. It's staying at your appointed place while he says stay, or it's going at his appointed pace while he says go. It's not impetuous and it's not despairing."

Love you!