Common Thread

Welp...our ministry has a name! Common Thread.  (Created by Mrs. Ashley Lee Crawford)

The most prominent thing that came out of our brainstorming meeting was that all of our stories were SO different and none of the outcomes were the same. God had given us each a very unique infertility story.   Some had a few children and were experiencing secondary infertility, some had no children at all, some had lost several babies,  some had adopted children, others were undergoing infertility treatments, and others were waiting.  But the bottom line was the same... we all had that unique aching and longing to be a mother.  A pain that can never be understood unless you have felt it.  There is a common thread that wove all our hearts and stories together.   

I am really excited about this name and where the ministry is headed.  The main focus will be mentorship and connection.  Just knowing who the other women are facing the same battles is deeply encouraging in itself.  It makes the journey not so lonely.  More to come, I hope!

I called the fertility clinic today and let them know our intentions.  They are reevaluating our files since we haven't been in their office since April.   I told them, I was pretty sure half my uterus was still missing and that not much had changed. haha.  They will be calling soon to give us a game plan.  I am starting to let myself get a little excited and I am weary about that.  I am starting to think biological children may actually be a reality for us, but I know I am treading on dangerous waters the second I begin to think something will go according to plan.  :/  I know the Lord likes 

to remind me that He is in charge and I am not, so I better get these emotions in check real fast. 

More to come on Common Thread. Tah Tah for now.

Partnership & Prayer

There are exciting things on the horizon.  I am so excited about the little seed of an idea than God is watering and allowing to sprout.

The Lord has been working and shaping the idea of an infertility ministry at CFC (our church) in the hearts of several women.  There is one event (among many) that stands out in my mind that prompted me to pursue getting a ministry in place.  A few months ago, I walked  up to church and was so overwelmed by the brigade of mommies and babies everywhere.  Our close friends were all mingled in that bunch and I remember struggling to find things to say to them.  And I was extremely aware of how much I did not fit in that day.  My sensitivity to this type of situation might be higher or lower depending on the time of month.  :)   I remember fighting back the wall of tears and seeing a dear friend in the distance.  A woman who understood what it was like to walk up to church Sunday after Sunday to all the other mommies empty handed.  A woman who understood what it felt like to not measure up to what God calls us to as women.  A woman who understood what it feels like to be isolated.  I remember seeing her and having an immediate peace, just knowing that there was another person who was understanding my pain without sharing a word.  We exchanged a good hug and it encouraged me so much.  

So I thought...we don't have to do this alone! I know there are several other women who have been down this road or who are walking down it now...why don't we connect instead of carrying the burden all by ourselves.  Even just to know who the other women ARE is encouraging in itself.  I was connected to a sweet friend, Tiffany, who has felt the Lord calling her to share her journey with other women and to walk along side them as well.  One coffee date led to another, and next week Tiffany and I will be hosting a brainstorming/idea sharing dessert with other women who have walked this road or are currently walking it now.   The Lord has given us both lots of ideas, but we wanted to see what the needs are/were for other women in our boat as well.  We are both so excited.  I know there is a good handful of women excited about partnering with us in this ministry too.  It has been really neat to see God work in different hearts and bring them together to glorify Him in the midst of very unique pain.

I don't feel prepared or equipped to be a part of this.  I am young. I am still going through the waters of infertility.  I don't have much experience. But I am praying and trusting God to fill in the blanks if I am obedient in saying, "Here I am, Lord!"  I was encouraged by Isaiah and his obedient response to God's calling.  

Isaiah 6: 8-13

 ⁸And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." ⁹And he said, "Go, and say to this people:

    "'Keep on hearing, but do not understand;keep on seeing, but do not perceive.' ¹⁰ Make the heart of this people dull,
   and their ears heavy,
   and blind their eyes,lest they see with their eyes,
   and hear with their ears,
and understand with their hearts,
   and turn and be healed."¹¹Then I said, "How long, O Lord?"And he said:"Until cities lie waste
   without inhabitant,
and houses without people,
   and the land is a desolate waste,¹²and the LORD removes people far away,
   and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.¹³ And though a tenth remain in it,
   it will be burned again,
like a terebinth or an oak,
   whose stump remains
   when it is felled."The holy seed is its stump.

God said, "Who will go?" and Isaiah didn't ask any questions or get any more information before responding, "Here I am."  He got more details regarding what God wanted him to do after he chose to be obedient.  He didn't get the details and then decide whether or not he would present himself to be used.  This encouraged me to just say, "Here I am!"  without knowing what the heck I am signing up for... As I said to our good friend, Jeff Curry, "Here I am and here goes nothing..."

As for Brad and I, we are still shooting for January.  I have been enjoying where God has us and enjoying this time with Brad.  I actually need to start thinking about things and get a few things in order for that adventure.   Just been too busy enjoying not thinking about "it," ha.  

I'm in love with Dr. Barnes....

Growing up as a military brat meant not really getting to pick and choose what doctor you wanted to see. And it always seemed as though they were actually practicing on you and you weren't actually a patient, but a lab rat rather. My navy hospital experiences really put a bad taste in my mouth for the average MD. And after getting out of the military hospital system I always got stuck with those doctors who made you feel like your questions were stupid or they didn't have time for you to even ask them questions. Anywho, I wanted to find a new OB/GYN that delivered at Baptist Downtown so that I could have the fertility clinic, high risk docs, OB/GYN, and NICU all in one place. I figure if something goes south, all four observing clinics will be in one location! I'm looking for a one stop shop, if you know what I mean. I had a few recommendations to claim Dr. Barnes as my primary care giver post fertility treatment. Today, with extremely high standards and expectations I got to meet Dr. Barnes.

He was fabulous and blew all my expectations out of the water. Annual exams don't top the list as one of my favorite things to do in the first place, and now I feel like I am so complex that if he would have just shooed me out the door, I would have been one disgruntled lady. First off, he skipped the whole awkward scene where you are wearing the dreaded paper gown for your first meeting. I got to stay in my regular attire and he came in and just talked to me for about 20-30 minutes. He wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere and had the calmest most encouraging spirit about him. He asked ME questions and got to know my history from head to toe and I really appreciated that. Then he opened the floor for my questions and not a single one was time wasted or stupid. He actually seemed interested in just having a conversation with me. Imagine that! He was so genuinely interested in our situation. And he warned me that he is like a mother hen with his babies and that he takes them very seriously! Well that works out since I was looking for a doctor who cared anyway, haha. Bring on the mother hen!

I am so excited to have him as our doctor. He was so encouraging and said that he didn't have any hesitations with my future pregnancies and that Dr. Winslow (fertility doc) could impregnate a 2 x 4, so he was confident that he would be taking care of a pregnant me in the near future. I appreciated his confidence!

I walked out of his office and to my car saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" To myself, obviously. I am praising the Lord for paving the way to Dr. Barnes. I feel like if I do get the opportunity to conceive, I will be in great hands!

Goodnight!

It is well with my soul...

Hi Friends and Family. I have been a slacker lately, I know. But this whole not working thing and filling my calendar with lots of other stuff has really gotten the best of me. It has been glorious catching up on my 2 year old to-do list.

Here is a snip it of what B and I have been up to...

Bathroom Remodel

Yup, we were right...there was a slight moisture problem.

The cement shower pan is outta here!

Remodeling projects and lots of other things have occupied my lil unemployed self.

I am a tad nervous to put this out there and we have friends that want to kill us (out of love of course), but we are actually thinking of pushing treatments back until January.

What?

I know, right!

We both agreed we had just way too much going on this fall to make it happen. And when things slow down for me, B will just be getting into his busy season at work. So with lots of prayer and thought, we think January will be a time when we can focus and clear our calendars to make our first attempt at IVF. Shockingly, I am totally fine with it. I thought it wouldn't sit well with me, but I must say I fully trust Brad's leadership in this decision and I am finding great peace in doing that. Funny, how when you listen to what God's word says about leadership and submission that abounding peace follows. :) I found myself humming today, among other things (Hide yo wife, hide yo kids...), "It is well with my soul."

Yesterday, I got to meet with a dear friend who has gone through IVF once before. It was a huge blessing to have the opportunity to hear her story. As you can imagine, the legal documents, ordering a few grande worth of hormone shots from online pharmacies, shots themselves, CRAZY lady hormones, and everything that comes with the procedures can be quite overwhelming. It is so great to have her as a resource. Meeting with her soothed my anxieties a great deal. Both her and her husband survived!! Surely Brad and I can make it through! Like I shared before, this journey can be extremely lonely...it was so refreshing to talk to someone who understood every angle of this roller coaster.

Brad and I will be celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss next week. Can you believe it? I can't. But I am assuming that is a good thing! I was thinking last week as our sister took her wedding vows with her husband, John, that we never dreamed standing on that altar that we would someday be walking this road together. Without a shadow of a doubt, we thought all those wedding toasts about a brood full of Harby's would come true for us. Everyone gets married, has kids, and lives happily ever after! You never dream this will happen to you. But I can tell you this, it has made us stronger. Marriages and relationships that go through challenges like the one we have been given to face will have roots that run deeper and longer than the average relationship. For that I can be thankful. And I can be thankful to be walking this road with my best friend. Thank you for 4 amazing years! The road ahead may be bumpy, but the Lord will never give us more than we can handle.

Tah tah for now. Thank you for the continued prayers, I know the Lord will answer them in due time and in His own sovereign way.

It is well with my soul.

Pushing it Back

Somehow I have managed to become even busier than I was when I was working full time. I have no idea how I did everything before. We did get to take a few vacations and I am very thankful for that time, but I feel overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 years worth of projects. Checking it off, one thing at a time!

I never dreamed I would say this, but I think Brad and I are going to push back treatments a month or so. Brad almost fell out of the booth at Chili’s when I told him that August was too soon. All along, the opportunity to attempt pregnancy couldn’t come soon enough. I really felt the Lord saying, just wait a bit. I have to trust that His timing is better than ours. Often that is easy to say and more difficult to put into practice, but I feel at peace with our decision. I feared telling Brad that I was feeling that way, because I knew when I told him that I was then making a commitment to wait. But obviously I am glad I did. The process is so intimidating. And I think we both feel like we really haven’t had the time we need to get emotionally prepared.

The hardest part is taking the first step in faith to begin the process. I think when pregnancy happens naturally, you are forced to take the journey as it comes. You don’t have a choice. I think Brad and I feel like we are signing up for a roller coaster ride and it is hard to take the first step. With IVF, you are signing up for much more than heartburn, nausea, swollen feet, and stretch marks…and the daunting task of become a parent. It’s more like big shots, crazy hormones, possible ovary over stimulation, anesthesia, procedures, more shots, miscarriages… “Ooooo, pick me, pick me!” It is a lot to sign up for with a WHOLE heck of a lot of unknowns. I think we are going to just enjoy the summer and look more towards Sept/October.

Thank you for the encouraging emails, texts, and messages.

Much love,

Loving on other people's children...

I read in one of my many books that some people instead of pursuing adoption or medical intervention just spend their time pouring into other people's children. Well the Valiquette clan blessed me tremendously on my birthday!! I loved spending time with their 4 treasures! How can you not love them?!?!

Addison and Bryce wanted to help Brad get ready for work. His shoes are bigger than they are!!

It's a Lonely Ride

I debated on whether or not I should get on here and share where my heart is this week or not. I didn't want to have an online pity party. :) And I didn't want to hurt anyone who may be sharing in the joy of pregnancy right now. But then I remembered the reason I started this blog in the first place. It was to relate to people who are struggling with the same things as I am, and to be a beacon in this dark and lonely world. So here I am…

I was riding on a high from our last doctor's appointment for the remaining part of June. And then my cycle was 7 days late and you guessed it...a little voice in my head starting whispering, "This could be your miracle!" And the battle began. And as you also probably guessed, it was just a tease. And to top it off, it was a really rough round this month and I just wept on the bathroom floor writhing in pain (we have carpet, don't worry...it wasn't too weird for me to be laying on the bathroom floor. The fact that we have carpet in the bathroom, okay, now that is weird). It felt like a cruel joke and I started to become angry that I have to endure the pains and not so fun parts of being female, yet there is no guarantee that I will get to experience the blessings of being female. I was extremely frustrated. It’s a constant reminder of what might not be. Your body does all that it is supposed to do, yet nothing comes of it. It's like a revolving door that smacks you on your face month after month.

I learned of a few more pregnancies this week as well. I am extremely thankful for those lives and so excited for the parents to be, please hear me on that. I am celebrating those precious gifts, but the other half of my heart was left feeling very alone. I am not discounting the good news, I just wanted to hone in on the feeling that the news left me to deal with. I kept saying to Brad,"Everyone has moved on and they have been blessed with the gift of life and I am just left here alone." It is very lonely here. I am beginning to feel more and more trapped in my little bubble every time I hear of another pregnancy. The doctors told me that 1 in 6 women will be infertile. Really? Interesting, I think I am running on 1 in 30 in my circle. I feel very far from 1 in 6. Every time another announcement is made I feel myself sinking lower. I become even more unrelateable. I don't know what kind of diapers explode and which ones don't. I don't have anything to say about nap schedules. I don't have anything to say about the first time my child did this or that...unless of course it is about LT. I have absolutely no opinion about whether or not you should let your child cry it out or not. I would give anything to even be able to say that I didn't sleep much last night because my child was out of his/her routine. I feel like I don't have anything to offer to the people who are in my life stage right now. And I really don't have much to bring to the conversation. I feel the dynamics of some of my friendships changing and its because they are moving into a different chapter and those pages haven't turned for me yet, nor am I promised that those pages will turn. I feel like I have less and less in common with our friends with every day that passes. I know this can apply to lots of people, even those not experiencing infertility, but those who long to be married or long to even be in a relationship that even allows them to hope for children. It just can be very lonely and that is the emotion that I am trying to come to grips with at the moment. Not that I don't have lots of friends and family, or people who are invested in our journey...but it is lonely in the sense that no one understands your world or exactly how your heart feels. At the end of the day, when I lay my head down it is just me, the Lord, my heart, and my mind and no one can really understand or relate to me. That is where it gets lonely.

Poor ladies at the mall today had no clue that they stirred something in me as they passed by with their cute little bellies and that glow that all pregnant women have. Yes, I can hope in the process we plan to begin in the fall, but if there is something this journey has taught me, it is that nothing goes as planned! So I don't want to store up too much hope in IVF. It may not be the answer and I can't put my whole heart in the petri dish. Just because we have been given the opportunity to pursue IVF, doesn't mean it is going to work or that it is God's answer to our desire for children. We aren't guaranteed anything.

I am sorry I don't have much encouragement today. I know this is just a passing feeling, but I know it is not the last time it will rear its ugly head either. If you can relate to what I am describing, know that you are not alone! J

Even though I don’t have much encouragement to offer, Sarah’s Laughter pulled through once again. If you are not subscribed to this e-newsletter and are experiencing infertility, I highly suggest that you do subscribe. http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

“Hebrews 4:15-16 says

For we do not have a high priest who cannot

sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

We have a marvelous high priest in Jesus Christ, who understands the hurts and frustrations of our lives. He invites us to come into the throne roomof God to find the help we need.

I love to learn the literal translations of Scripture, and this verse has to be one of the reasons why! Look at the part of this verse that says “draw near with confidence”. The literal meaning of these words is “come recklessly unannounced”! God is telling you to come recklessly unannounced to Him to receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to make an appointment! Come recklessly unannounced! You don’t have to ask if it’s okay, or wonder if you are harassing God! Come recklessly unannounced! Cry out to Him when your period starts again. Call on His Name and ask for His guidance when you are faced with another decision or another friend gets pregnant and you don’t. You don’t have to worry that God is going to get tired of your repeated requests for a baby, or that He’ll send a holy messenger to you to tell you to stop calling Him! He says to you today, come recklessly unannounced! You’ll find mercy and grace to help you in this time of your need.”

On a fun note, we were able to spend the week at Kingsley Lake last week with our family. We had a great time eating, tubing, sleeping, eating, eating, swimming, and sleeping. And LT had more fun than anyone else. Our family patiently threw his tennis ball repeatedly into the lake for him to fetch, just for him to come back and shake all over them. He went boating, tubing, and jet skiing. It was a blast!